Return of the Hentai?


	[Cue SD versions of the two Bean Wars authors walking onto the
screen, His lordship Chaos dressed up like Xellos from Slayers, and
Greenbeans being dressed up like Ayanami Rei in a plugsuit.]

Greenbeans: [waving] "Ohayo, minna-san! And welcome to the final
installment of the Bean Wars."

His lordship Chaos: "Indeed, it's a most unique relationship when the
authors are such good friends and their avatar incarnations are such
rivals. But this chapter of the Bean Wars will prove to be the biggest
one yet, featuring...."

Greenbeans: "Featuring...what? Come on, spit it out."

His lordship Chaos: ^^ "Sore wa...himitsu desu!"

Greenbeans: [facevaulting] "I just knew I shouldn't have let you dress
up in that costume for the intro bit."

His lordship Chaos: "But it's true. I'm not about to expose the shocking
surprise ending we have in store for our readers."

Greenbeans: [sigh!] "Granted I don't think this feud will ever end...but
then again, whose fault is that?"

	[Greenbeans slowly turns to His lordship Chaos.]

His lordship Chaos: "What are you so sore about?"

Greenbeans: "The 'piano' incident comes to mind."

His lordship Chaos: "Aw, that just happened to Beans the avatar, not
Beans the author. Besides, I've been meaning to speak with you about
your work in co-writing the Bean Wars."

Greenbeans: "Oh, what? You had your fun with The Authors Must Be Crazy.
I'm merely returning the favour."

His lordship Chaos: "But the Bean Wars are completely, utterly, totally
and without a doubt the most evil, conniving and demented thing I've
read in a long time! Well, outside of the Fanboys anyways."

Greenbeans: [unimpressed] "And your point is?"

His lordship Chaos: [evil grin!] "And I like it! Did I ever tell you how
sexy you are when you set out to abuse and torture my fanfic characters,
Mame-chan? Ne!"

	[Cue an irate gang of SD fanboys suddenly pushing His lordship
Chaos offscreen!]

Chaos: "Okay, that's it! Intro's over!"

Carnage: "What the hell kinda author are you, getting turned on at *our*
expense?"

Pesti: "One of you authors abusing us is bad enough, but we're not going
to make it a conspiracy!"

His lordship Chaos: "What about all those fanficfics?"

Chaos & Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Ano...."

Dark Mayhem: "Well I for one don't mind the Bean Wars--so long as I
don't wind up getting lobbed through all those Animes."

Havoc: [sigh!] "I just don't understand why Beans couldn't have held
this grudge match in Planet Hentai's Jello wrestling pit. There's more
than enough room for her and all the Senshi to create a lesbian sex
pretzel with me."

Carnage: "Sex pretzel this, you freak: MEGA BRAND!!!!"

	[Cue the gratuitous Cream Lemon explosion that wipes everyone off
the obligatory intro. bit...except the authors!]

His lordship Chaos ^^  "Ah, the joys of being the immortal author."

Greenbeans: ^^ "And having an AT Field."

Anarchy: [in the corner with a bottle of Sake] "Preach it!"


	[Cue the Bean Wars!]




					a long time ago,
				in a fanfic far, far away...


	[Fanboy's Note: John Williams refused to appear for this part-
ranting some sort of nonsense about bathtubs crushing his timpanies, and
Anarchy getting the entire strings section pissed drunk--so here's
something else we threw together at the last minute instead.]

Aika girls: [singing] "Don't touch Doji-boy! Ecchi Ecchi Doji-boy! Panty
daiyo! Honto ni sukebe da!"

Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! They're perving our song, Pu-chan!"

Setsuna: "Not a chance, Havoc. Besides, I've already arranged an
alternate dance partner for you."

Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?"

	[Cue Minako!]

Minako: [flinging herself at Havoc with the Yggdrasil jacket] "You're
all mine tonight, Na-chan!"

Havoc: o.O "Well, when the groping gets tough, the tough get groping."

Carnage: [leaping onto the scene] "That doesn't make any sense at all,
you perverted twit!"

	[Abruptly Minako crashes into Carnage, the two colliding into a
dazed heap on the floor!]

Havoc: ^-^ "And who says I can't plan these things?"



				Lord Chaos presents

			  A Bean Goddess! production


				BEAN WARS 4-EVER!!!



Chaos: ^-^ "They want me! They really really want me!"

Pesti: "Chaos, they want you dead."

Chaos: "Quit clouding the issue. Give me my Bean Wars!"


	[Cue the obligatory scrolling story lead-in bit!]

The Bean Wars rages on, leaping from fanfic to Anime to game. Nothing
has been left untouched (or unmolested) by the warring avatars, each one
bent on keeping the lake god as their own personal mascot. Putting her
FANGATE to use, Beans has catapulted Chaos into a barrage of strange and
twisted worlds with the intent to break the little otaku permanently.

However Chaos has proven to be incredibly resilient, surviving
everything that quite literally gets thrown at him. Yes, once again as
Beans finally thinks she has idiot-proofed her lake god, Chaos becomes a
better IDIOT.

Yet now the battle has reached its epic climax. And in a single scene,
the question of who possesses the lake god will be decided once and for
all....

				*	*	*
	CLUB ANIPIKE
	The time: somewhere in this century...we think.


	The place was getting busy again as numerous avatars, Anime
characters and authors showed up for their breaks. Some fics had already
wrapped up filming for the night, with others comfortably reaching the
end point.
	Jotarou found himself serving drinks and smacking a select few
author avatar heads around in the midst of the midnight rush. However he
seemed to be mildly enjoying himself as he slid the filled glasses
across the counter. "The avatars are restless tonight," he stated to
Misato as she passed in behind him. "You might want to watch yourself."
	"Have no fear!" Vash the Stampede exclaimed, striking a macho
pose--and still managing to look like a complete idiot. "With me around,
you have nothing to worry about!"
	He took a bold step forward...and promptly tripped over Japoro.
The Shamanic Princess' guardian ferret wasn't very thrilled about the
entire situation.
	"I still can't believe you piloted the BeBop into the no-fly EVA
zone," Jet stated as he and Spike strolled through the front doors of
the Anipike. "We could have had our engines taken out by a flying
Volkswagen."
	Spike waved it aside. "What's to complain about? We got here in
one piece, didn't we?"
	"Admit it, Spike: you just wanted to see if you could actually fly
through that war zone." Jet couldn't help but give his patented lopsided
grin. "You'd better be careful. After all, curiosity killed the
catgirl."
	"The catgirl still has another eight lives to spend afterwards,"
Spike replied evenly.
	"You're no cat."
	"That doesn't mean I don't have nine lives."
	Jotarou already had their usual drinks ready, which the two bounty
hunters took over to the pool tables with the intent to sucker in
another poor schmuck to play a game. Luckily for them, Ataru Moroboshi
was present--not to mention already getting suckered into giving all his
money to the drool-worthy Faye Valentine.
	Misato nodded briefly to a table full of Sailor Earths, taking out
a small device and quickly scanning the fuku-clad ladies. "Okay, you all
check out," she announced, handing the group a set of menus. "Feel free
to chase down any of our roving waiters when you're ready to order--just
don't perform any attacks on them."
	"What's that?" the ruruoni Kenshin asked, motioning to the device.
	Abruptly Xellos popped up, grinning at the two of them. "Sore
wa...himitsu desu!"
	From her place upon one of the bar stools, a 16 year-old Ruri-chan
shook her head. "Baka."
	"Oh, this is a little something Gourry made for me," Misato said.
"It's a Senshidex."
	Kenshin sweatdropped. "Oro?"

Gourry-sensei: "A Senshidex."

Misato: [recoiling in surprise] "Where'd you come from?!"

	Gourry-sensei, garbed in his black teacher's uniform, proceeded to
give a quick multi-media lecture to the patrons in the club. "We all
know of the Pokedex," he explained. "that little compact info-tech pad
that gives you data on the different species of Pokemon you encounter.
And there are over 150 of those Beanie Battle Babies out there too."
	He held his pointer at one of the screens; it changed images to
reveal a large chart full of SD versions of countless Senshi. Fukus and
bows were all over the place. Many of the people in the club gave a
hushed "ooooh!" upon seeing it.
	Gourry continued: "Well, I suddenly realized that perhaps Club
Anipike should have a Senshidex. After all, how many new and different
Sailor Senshi incarnations have we seen? This little data unit tells you
their powers, weaknesses, avatar potential, North American or Japanese
backgrounds, and even the fanfics they're found in. It's now used by
Misato to keep track of all the Senshi who come in."
	Misato tossed the Senshidex to Gourry-sensei to allow for a
demonstration. Avoiding the already classified group of Sailor Earths,
Gourry headed over to a table where two other Senshi were seated.
	"Onion: the mock Sailor," the Senshidex stated as it performed a
scan. "Created by Greenbeans in a Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Orion parody,
only recently has the existence of this Senshi been accepted, and not
considered a hoax."
	Sailor Onion's eyebrow twitched as she heard a few muffled
chuckles from the surrounding people. "Laugh it up, why don't you?" she
growled.
	"Calm down," Sailor Artichoke said, placing a restraining hand on
her comrade's shoulder. "At least we got our fic."
	"Ooooh! Gene!" Clamp's Miyuki-chan called out, racing towards the
front door as the cast of Outlaw Star sauntered in. She leaped into
Gene's arms. "You're late, Gene-chan."
	"Couldn't be helped; trying to find a decent parking spot that
Gilliam would go for was hell," Gene Starwind replied, giving Miyuki-
chan a warm hug. "Damn, I've missed you!"
	Jim Hawkings merely gave a disapproving scowl. "Get your hand off
her ass, Gene."
	"Damn right," Sarcasm-hime stated emphatically, snagging Gene away
from Miyuki-chan. "His hand should be on *my* ass!"
	Jotarou shook his head. "Looks like we've got another run-amok
fangirl," he remarked dryly to Ruri-chan.
	"Daijobu," Ruri-chan said, taking a sip of her drink. "Sarcasm
only goes after sexy rebellious guys and cute bishounen. You don't have
anything to worry about."
	Jotarou stiffened, seemingly taking some offense at that. "Like I
want to be called 'cute'," he growled.
	Sarcasm-hime paused next to a mysterious figure seated in one of
the rear booths. "Give this to Beans when you see her," she said,
tossing an envelope the woman's way. "Anarchy wishes to have a word with
the mame before the whole 'Utena' scenario is played out."
	The woman nodded. "She'll get it."
	The two turned their heads as Lain (saucy bitch queen version)
gave a loud indignant shriek, immediately pummeling an overly amorous
Ryu and Ken into the jukebox. Suddenly who should come racing out of the
bathroom but the three Clamp Campus detectives. However, Noboru wasn't
really looking where he was going (having confused a woman's angered
battle cry for a woman's cry of distress), and collided with Sarcasm.
	The elfgirl found herself at the bottom of a heap of overly cute
and eternally smiling prepubescent boys. The sugar factor was too much
for her to handle.

Sarcasm: o.O "Too...damned...kawaii!"

	With a poof! of smoke, Sarcasm was reduced back to her miniature
form of Herself the Elf. "Hpmh!" the Elf sighed, adjusting the bow in
her long dark hair as she fluttered across the club. "Well, this just
spoiled the mood."
	"So tell me," Quistis Trepe asked, sliding her glasses back up her
nose with her middle finger. "What was it like being me for that Final
Fanboy VIII segment?"
	Dominatrix Michelle sighed as she reclined in her booth. A
contemplative look was taken at the ceiling before she spoke. "Unique,
to say the least. I'm glad to say that we share the same taste in whips,
though."
	That managed to catch Misato's attention as she passed by their
table. "You were involved with the Bean Wars?" she asked.
	Michelle nodded. "Beans called me in as Dominatrix Michiru to
replace Quistis here. Chaos wound up being Squall, and had to take the
fire cavern test."
	"How did it work out?"
	Dominatrix Michelle chuckled, "Chaos had to use an ice buel when
his pants caught fire."
	Everyone who was within earshot of that remark burst out laughing.
	"Sounds like Beans' revenge is going well," Quistis remarked,
unable to conceal her grin. "I'm almost sorry I wasn't there to see it."
	"Hush, you," Xu said, seated beside Quistis. "You're already a
major player in that FFVIII SeeDfic Greenbeans is doing." She turned to
Sean, who sat next to her. "The fact that she based this charming guy
off Gaffney the pervertedly-inclined author kind of frightens me,
though."
	Quistis shrugged, glancing over to a happily burbling aquarium
located behind the bar. "Regardless, I don't think Chaos will be trying
to steal her lake god anytime soon."
	"Don't be so sure to count the fanboy out," Gourry-sensei
cautioned, still fiddling with the Senshidex. "Chaos has proven himself
to be a highly resilient idiot in the past. If my estimates are right,
Beans has got one last chance to really break his brain before she runs
out of ideas."
	Youji, still casually dressed from another Wei(kreuz fanfic, shook
his head as he reclined between two beautiful women--namely the
Wonderland twins, Cho-Li and To-Li. "This is Chaos we're talking about,
the guy who wrote that dumb Mihoshi Tsukai Tai fic. How bad could he
be?" He looked to MSTier and avatar, Samantha Misamoto, for support.
"Ne, Samantha?"
	Samantha never said a word, her eyes slowly widening as her hand
started to shake. Seconds later she crushed the beer can in her grip.
"No comment," she said in a strangely distant voice, abruptly turning
away.
	Just then, Nightbreak walked in through the Studio Anipike
entrance, still dressed in his trenchcoat and shades from 'Quick & The
Dead Moon Circus'. He ordered his usual drink of Captain Morrigan's
Spiked Lime, and found a vacant stool for himself.
	"Have you heard them out there?" Nightbreak asked. "They're all
exchanging stories from the Bean Wars: the Senshi, Bean Bandit, ChaCha
and Riiya-kun, the Nekobus, Dr. Kadowaki...and even the Utena crew's
gotten in on the action! Mitsuru and Shinobu have set up another betting
pool too."
	He sighed wistfully as he stared at his glass o' Spiked Lime. "I
want a lake god," he pined. "Why can't I have a lake god like the one
Chaos and Beans fight over?"
	Jotarou snorted. "Why would you want that? It's brought both of
those avatars nothing but trouble."
	"But it's such a cool idea to have a deity for a pet," Nightbreak
said. "It's immortalized Beans, and Chaos is infamous for his failed
attempts to get it for himself."
	He got off his stool, standing tall as the kana for "Ike! Ike!"
scrolled in behind him. However, Ryoga wasn't looking where he was
going, and promptly got smacked in the face by the roving words.
	"That's it, I'm no longer going to deny myself this. I'm going to
get myself my own deity for a mascot!" Nightbreak proclaimed.
	"What about Suzaku?" Card Captor Sakura offered, modeling her
latest costume change to the Clamp Campus detectives.
	Washu shook her head. "Nope. Protected under the endangered
species act. It's illegal to own any of the four gods from Fushigi
Yugi."
	"Hmmm," Nightbreak mused, puzzling it over. "There's not that many
other Anime deities out there I can easily control. The question remains
where to find one."
	Just then, the infamous Dark Day For Anime walked through the club
with a glowing vendor's container strapped around him. "Lake gods! Get
yer lake gods here!" he called out. "Comes in every flavor and religious
persuasion. Lake gods! Lake gods! You want 'em, we got 'em!"

Everyone: [sweatdrop!] "......"

				*	*	*
	In an elevator, silhouetted against a blue sky, a voice spoke: "If
the egg's shell does not break, the chick will die without being born."
	The outline of Juri appeared, leaned up against the wall. "We are
the chick; the egg is Chaos."
	The outline of Miki appeared opposite of Juri. "If Chaos does not
break, we will die without being born."
	The outline of Touga appeared between them. "Break Chaos!" Touga
proclaimed.
	"For the sake of revolutionizing the fanfic!" Juri and Touga
announced with resolve together.


	REVOLUTIONARY FANBOY CHAOS


	"Wakaba, get offa me!" Chaos exclaimed. "This is not the time nor
the place for--(o.O) Hello cold hands!"
	He recoiled in surprise, quickly inspecting his female uniform to
ensure he hadn't been groped in any other rather precarious places. That
served only as a very brief interlude, Wakaba pouncing on top of him yet
again.
	"Utena-samaaaa!" she said. "
	Chaos frantically shook Wakaba off himself. "Look, I like a cute
girl with no waist just as much as the next otaku," he said. "But the
last thing I need right now is an overly amorous lesbian."
	He turned and stared majestically out across the campus, the kana
for 'I am the very model of a modern major otaku' scrolling in behind
him...and taking out a stunned Wakaba in the process.
	"You see," he said dramatically. "I know Beans is out there
somewhere. And if I am to properly revolutionize the Bean Wars, I can do
only thing. Ano...two things actually, but I don't think I'd be allowed
to get pissed drunk on school grounds."
	However, unbeknownst to Chaos, Wakaba was having troubles of her
own in trying to fight off the scrolling kana as it steadily pushed her
down the hallway.
	"So then," the unwitting fanboy continued. "I must find Beans here
on the school grounds, and challenge her to one epic smiting duel that
will forever prove who the true champion of the Bean Wars is. And I
shall not give up, no matter what that mame might do! It's my mission in
life, and I am destined to fulfil it by stealing the lake god once and
for all. This must devote my total focus, so Rule 3 will just have to
wait until later. You understand, ne, Wakaba? Wakaba?"
	Chaos turned around, only to see a deserted hallway.
	Somewhere down the corridor, a lone tumbleweed rolled by.
	"They always leave right when I get to the good part too," Chaos
lamented, smacking aside his ensuing sweatdrop.

Randomly chosen student: "Look out! Runaway bull!"

Chaos: ^^ "Hm?"

	[Cue the rampaging bull charging down the hallway!]

Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAA!! TASUKETEEEE!!!"

	And so to protect himself from the brutish horned bovine, Chaos
valiantly flung himself out the window...which happened to be located on
the third floor of the school.
	"Stupid bull," he muttered, shakily climbing out from the Chaos-
shaped hole in the sidewalk. "That thing's supposed to chase after
Nanami, not me. This must be *her* doing."
	He leapt to his feet, waving his fist at the skies above. "Curse
you, Beans! You shall rue the day you caused unsightly wrinkles on my
skirt!"
	Suddenly he was pulled into an alcove. The hand that grabbed him
released him as soon as they were both well secluded in the shadows.
Chaos' eyes narrowed as he saw who had snagged him. "Beans! What are you
doing here?"
	His arch-nemesis gave an evil smirk. "I'm here to revolutionize
the fanfic," she replied.
	"What are you babbling on about?" Chaos grumbled, a sweatdrop
appearing next to his head. "Talk about your delusions of grandeur,
Beans. You can't handle the lake god, which is why *I* shall
revolutionize the Bean Wars!"
	"Look out!" a student's voice shouted from across the quad. "Run
away boxing kangaroo!"
	With an innocent smile on his face, Chaos curiously turned around
to see what all the commotion was...and promptly got an uppercut to the
face. Beans stepped back as the boxing kangaroo hopped all around Chaos,
delivering a series of knock-out blows.
	Yet compared to what usually happened to him in any given fic,
this only invoked Chaos' ire. "Oh yeah? Oh yeah?!" he exclaimed angrily.
"Well if you've got silver boxing gloves, then I've got shining
fingers!!" Chaos's triumphant expression fizzled. "I just used a line
from G Gundam, didn't I?"
	Beans winced and nodded.
	"Oh, I feel so violated now," Chaos lamented. "I have to go take a
shower."
	The boxing kangaroo decided to help Chaos out by smacking him with
its tail, sending the frantic otaku crashing into a nearby fountain.
	"That was uncalled for!" an irate SD Chaos snapped, splashing
around in the water. He pouted and crossed his arms. "Well I hope you're
happy now; you've ruined my mascara."
	Beans motioned for the kangaroo to depart, and then closed the gap
between the two avatars. "You think it's merely coincidence that I
showed up here? I have chosen an Anime in which I can finally defeat
you. Would you like to know how?"

Chaos: [with kawaii kitty ears] "Could you give me a second? I have to
wring out my tail."

	Beans grabbed him by the collar and hoisted him up. She then
pointed down to the water. "Look," she instructed.
	When Chaos looked at his reflection in the water, pink hair and
wide blue eyes greeted him. He gawked. "Masaka!" he said. "You turned
this fountain into a Jusenkyo Spring of Drowned Girl! Now I'm stuck in
female form even if I use the henshin...though either way, my breasts
are still more ample than yours."
	Rolling her eyes in exasperation, Beans unceremoniously dropped
Chaos back into the water. "Baka. You're not just any ordinary girl
here, Chaos. You're Utena!"
	"Oh yeah, forgot about that," Chaos remarked, spitting out some
water. "That certainly explains why Wakaba was clinging to me like a
cheongsam on Yohko's body."
	Beans smirked again and held up the Remote Control of the gods. A
black attachment on the back was being held on by electrical tape. "You
insert yourself as an actual Anime character with the remote, so can I."
	"I must say I'm a rather attractive duelist," Chaos said with a
smile, posing to see his reflection. "Oh course, this begs the question
what I'd look like if I turned into Sailor Haley while I was Utena."
	"Oh, it gets even better than that," Beans added. She pulled him
over to the water again to see her own reflection. A head of large
orange curls came into view. "I've taken over the role of Juri. We can
see each other as we truly are--but everyone else sees you as the
supposed heroine of this series, and me as one of the Student Council
members."
	Chaos warily took a step away from Beans. "You are aware of whose
picture is in your pendant, right?" He paused in consideration.
"Probably Haruka's picture...or maybe Quistis' instead."
	"Hush!" Beans clipped him on the back of the head. "This is early
in the Utena continuity. Juri and Utena's duel is tomorrow, so you have
that long to kiss your fanboy hide goodbye. Ja ne!"
	She left chuckling to herself.
	"Who's she kidding?" Chaos remarked, trying to dry off his soaked
boy's uniform and girl's skirt combination. "I may not have taken a
fencing lesson before in my life, but I can handle something as amateur
as the Utena universe."

Randomly chosen student: "Look out! Runaway Akio car!"

Chaos: [to himself] "Runaway Akio car? I don't recall that ever showing
up this early in the series. And I thought Carnage stomped on that thing
a long time ago too."

	[Cue the berserk Akio car, clearing the hedges and swerving right
for Chaos!]

Akio Car: *HONK!*

Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

				*	*	*
	But what of Chaos' friends?
	Surely the other fanboys must have noticed by now that something
was awry and were at this very minute orchestrating a daring yet
ingenious rescue operation! Yes, everyone was most certainly putting
aside their differences and rallying together to save a friend and
fellow otaku!

	[Cue the SD Pesti-chans playing poker in kawaii frilly aprons.]

SD Pesti #6: "You got any...(--;;) Goldeens?"

SD Pesti #1: [sigh!] "Go fish."

	[SD Pesti #6 reaches into a pile of Pokeballs and draws one out.]

Hysteria: "Ooooh! It's Hysteria's kawaii little turn-chan now! Ano...
does Pesti-poppa #4 have any kawaii little Lapis-chans?"

SD Pesti #4: o.O [frantic] "What? What?! What's going on?"

SD Pesti #5: [looking at #4's cards] "No, he doesn't. Go fish."

Hysteria: [suspicious] "You're bluffing-chan!"

SD Pesti #6: "You can't bluff in a game of Go Pokefish! Just how the
[beep!] did we get stuck playing with her anyways?"

	[SD Pesti #6 slowly turns to SD Pesti #3]

SD Pesti #6: "And would you stop playing with those panties instead of
the cards?!"

SD Pest #3: "Why? This is more fun."

SD Pesti #2: [playing chess with Dark Mayhem] "Kids."

Dark Mayhem: "Checkmate."

SD Pesti #2: --;; "Bastard."

Dark Mayhem: ^^ "Damn right! Ami-chan, to the jacuzzi!"


	Ooooor, maybe they weren't.

				*	*	*
	Beans scurried across the quad, uncertain about who was wanting to
meet her. The letter in her hands bore the signature of Nanami Kiryuu,
but as far as she could recall Nanami wasn't a part of the Juri vs.
Utena story arc. Even more puzzling was the fact that this had been sent
via courier from Sarcasm-hime.
	The importance of such a notice was evident. This was more than
merely revolutionizing the world; the entire Bean Wars was at stake.
Medium rare, to be exact. But we're not going to get into cooking sauces
right now.
	Heading into the elevator that led up to the student council
chambers, Beans wondered how Ophelia was faring. This seemed fair
compensation for her fellow author copping out on the Greenwood part.
	With a slight shudder the elevator came to a stop.
	Beans got out, only to find the student council room deserted.
There was a grand view of the entire campus grounds from this vantage
point, but it was a little disconcerting to be the only one around. She
took a few hesitant steps into the room.
	"Moshi moshi?" she called out. "Anyone here?"
	Then she saw a large armchair facing the scenery of Ohtori
Academy. Not to mention stacks of empty Sake bottles piled up on one
side of the wall. And an absolutely sloshed Tasuki snoring away on a
table, loosely gripping his halissen in one hand.
	"Anarchy?" Beans ventured, approaching the armchair.
	A hand extended from where it laid on the armrest, motioning for
Beans to come closer. Upon standing next to the chair and its occupant,
Beans found herself at a near loss for words. Anarchy was dressed up in
the student council member's uniform that Nanami would eventually take
up (this event to happen once Touga's brain turned to soggy ramen
noodles after he lost a duel to Utena.)
	Beans could hardly contain her surprise--or the chill that went
down her spine. "You're Nanami?" she asked.
	Anarchy smirked, reclining back in her armchair. "You were
expecting me to play the part of that Mitsuru Tsuwabuki lackey? For
shame, Beans. I feel a certain bond with this Nanami character; kindred
spirits if you will. She's evil, ruthless, and an all-around conniving
demoness. I rather like this girl; she reminds me of me--minus the
ditzy, comic relief side."
	Beans nervously nodded her head in agreement.
	The mere thought of someone like Anarchy finding a kindred spirit
was rather disturbing.
	Anarchy motioned to a vacant armchair next to hers. "Please, sit."
	Once Beans sat down, the two female avatars got down to business.
	"I can imagine you feel a little like Miyuki-chan, tumbling down
the skateboarding bunny-girl's hole," Anarchy said. "Let me tell you why
you're here, Beans. You're here because you know something, something
which has been plaguing you. You're haunted by this day and night in
College Life; it's always there, like an ill-conceived plotline lurking
in the back of your mind, driving you mad. Do you know what I am talking
about?"
	"Chaos," Beans replied sourly.
	Anarchy nodded. "It is this paranoia about him that originally
brought you to me." She pulled out the hard copies of Bean Wars 2&3.
"I've been tracking your progress in the Bean Wars. You've shown
adaptation and improvisation with each scene that has unfolded thus far,
which is commendable.
	"But your problem does not lie in your technique. Your underlying
weakness is that while you have trapped Chaos within the rules of other
Animes...you still apply those rules to yourself. A true author avatar
would not do that; they bend if not break whatever rules they please."
	A sweatdrop appeared next to Beans' head. "I'm not being evil
enough?"
	"Sadly, this is what I'm seeing," Anarchy replied. "Chaos' brain
is a black hole for stupidity. A mere tapping on his shoulder won't clue
him in; you have club him rather viciously with the nearest 1000t mallet
you can find."
	Beans sulked. "Don't I know it. How that twit ever managed to
survive the FFVIII segment is beyond me."
	That remark caused Anarchy to grin. She pulled out two bottles
filled to the brim with Sake, one bottle colored blue and the other
colored red. Beans gave Anarchy a questioning look.
	"Now then," Anarchy stated. "What I'm offering you is a choice:
drink the Sake in the blue bottle, and this all goes away. You go back
to your happy world in College Life...until Chaos returns once more. You
drink the Sake in the red bottle, and I show you how far down the bunny-
girl's hole goes. Only then will you realize your true Dark side of the
Fic potential. Perhaps even to the point of letting you slip into Red
Queen mode."
	"How about we just skip that last part," Beans suggested, her face
getting a little flustered at the thought of herself appearing in tight
revealing leather, fishnet stockings, and a tickle whip.

	[Cue the official Bean Wars authors' note exchange!]

Greenbeans: *Why did you even have to bring up that image of Red Queen
Beans?!*

His lordship Chaos: ^^ *Because I thought it'd be fun*

Greenbeans --;; *Sukebe*

His lordship Chaos: *Comes from hanging out with Havoc; after a while,
hentai just becomes an instinctive reflex*

Hentenno-sama: ^-^ *Hotcha!*

Greenbeans: O.o *I sense a draft...HAVOC!!*

	Anyhoo....
	Anarchy remained solemn as she spoke, which was an impressive feat
given how flushed her cheeks were from having polished off all those
other bottles of Sake. "This is your last chance to get him with my
help, Beans. After this, you're on your own."
	Hesitantly, Beans started to reach for one of the two bottles.
	"Remember," Anarchy added. "All I'm offering you is the chance to
smite Chaos permanently. Nothing more."
	Beans took a long, hard look at the two bottles of Sake placed
before her. Then with great resolve she grabbed the red bottle and took
a hard swig of its contents. Her face made a really interesting
expression, eyebrows twitching from the taste.
	"Damn!" she exclaimed. "That stuff's got a real kick to it."
	"Doesn't it though?" Anarchy said with an evil smile. "I'm glad
you chose that one. Follow me."
	She led Beans back to the elevator, and from there towards one of
the training dojos scattered around the campus grounds.
	"The bottles of Sake held the personalities of two different Utena
characters," the fangirl explained. "If you had drank from the blue
bottle, you would have taken on Miki's rather pathetic fighting skills
and wussy personality. However, in drinking from the red bottle, you
have now acquired Juri's fencing powers--and a wonderfully bitchy
personality too, I might add."
	Beans sweatdropped. "Um, Touga's the redhead. Juri's hair is more
of an orange."
	Anarchy rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Do you want to kick
Chaos' ass or what?"
	"Point taken."

				*	*	*
	PLANET HENTAI
	4:15pm
	All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy
	All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy
	All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy
	All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy
	All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy
	All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy
	All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy
	All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy
	All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy


	Havoc-kun, Charon and Havoc-chan were leisurely sitting back in
one of Planet Hentai's booths. Not much was happening in the club at the
moment; given a few hours, the lemon factor would prick--er, pick up.

Dark Mayhem: "It appears our author's Freudian slip is showing again."

Carnage: --;; "I wonder what Greenbeans had to say about that double
entendre when she saw it."

Dark Mayhem: "Odds are she just denied ever seeing it, and holds our
author personally responsible for any negative backlash."

	"Quiet day today, ne?" Havoc-kun remarked idly.
	Charon and Havoc-chan nodded. "Hai."
	"Very relaxing," Havoc-kun added.
	Charon and Havoc-chan nodded. "Hai."
	Suddenly a loud whoosh! of air was heard. Charon and Havoc-kun
glanced over to their left, just in time to see Minako's arms reach over
the booth and yank Havoc-chan away.
	The Hentenno and his Ecchi-chan protege returned to staring
leisurely at Planet Hentai's dance floor. "Quiet day today, ne?" Havoc-
kun remarked idly.
	Charon nodded. "Hai."
	"Very relaxing," Havoc-kun added.
	Charon nodded. "Hai."

				*	*	*
	The school day was coming to an end, and Chaos was finding himself
absolutely lost. First off, he couldn't find the East Hall where Utena
was supposed to be residing. The fact that 'Utena' had been challenged
by the high school boy's basketball team (yet again) didn't help much
either.
	He had put on a fine performance, wowing the student audience by
managing to somehow slam dunk his butt right into the hoop. It had taken
a good half hour before the janitor could get him out. And then there
had been the hordes of adoring young ladies clamoring for his
affections. Naturally Chaos was not about to rob himself of getting his
ego stroked, and happily welcomed them with open arms...right until, in
their overly-amorous frenzy, the girls got into a vicious tug of war
over him.
	Now with his arms and legs at least five inches longer than they
were at the start of this fic, Chaos walked across the quad. He
scratched his head, and looked back to Desolation for help. "One of your
maps would be rather handy right about now," he said.
	Absently strolling along down the path, and subsequently walking
right into a hedge, Desolation fished through his pan-dimensional
backpak. "Hang on; I just hope they didn't all get burned up during that
battle between Shogo and Karen Kasumi."
	Desolation reverted into an SD sulking mode. "It never fails; the
*one* bullet train I decide to take winds up getting commandeered and
then blown up by end-of-the-world harbingers!"
	The lost fanboy managed to locate something and happily pulled it
out. He consulted his map...which consisted of a very large red X, and
the words "You are not here" written on it.

Desolation: [sweatdrop!] "......"

Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "Just where the hell do you get your maps from
anyways?"

	"Gomen nasai," Desolation sighed. "It's hard to get good maps when
you're being blown away every two minutes."
	Chaos pondered that. "Getting blown away, as in by the wind, or as
in vicious bodily smitings?"
	"Both."
	"Well, there's no need to worry!" Chaos stated. "With me around,
what harm could possibly befall you?"

Yet another randomly chosen student: "Look out! Runaway horse!"

Chaos: "Ne, Desolation, could you just stand over there for a moment?"

Desolation: ^^ "Sure! Why?"

	[Cue the runaway horse that starts charging towards Chaos--and
then pauses before stampeding after Desolation!]

Desolation: [groan!] "Again with the runaway horses! Can't they be a
little more creative?"

	[Cue the oversized Babbit which falls from the sky and crushes
Desolation!]

Desolation: [from beneath the uber-Babbit] "Ah...much better."

	And with the danger out of the way, Chaos jaunted down one of the
pathways, hoping to at last find the dorm residence where he could crash
for the night. However, he found someone waiting beside one of the
school buildings.
	"Komban wa, Chaos," Anarchy remarked.
	Chaos paled, especially when he noticed the uniform she was
wearing. "Anarchy?! You...you're Nanami?"
	Anarchy grinned. "Appropriate, don't you think?"
	"It's like a Cosplay from hell," Chaos said, sweatdropping. He
then broke into a wide grin. "Hey, wait a minute! All the bad things
happen to Nanami! You're supposed to get chased by runaway animals--and
then there's that big mindfuck episode with the pink ninja elephants!"
	"My poor, deluded sibling," Anarchy sighed, shaking her head.
"Have you forgotten who's the 100-pure avatar here? I can alter *any*
Anime series I so desire."

Chaos: o.O;;

	[Cue the pink ninja elephants flanking Anarchy!]

Anarchy: [giggling & pointing to Chaos] "Tee hee! Destroy him."

	And so as the sun slowly set on Ohtori Academy, the distant
silhouette of a terrified SD Chaos could be seen racing across the quad,
followed closely by the surprisingly nimble silhouettes of the pink
ninja elephants. Moments later Chaos' silhouette could be seen getting
booted right across the campus.
	Fortunately, the old senile bat of a truant officer nicely broke
the Chaos' fall.

Chaos: [dusting himself off] "Arigato! You actually serve a purpose
other than mild comic relief after all."

Truant woman: x_x  "I think I'm up to three unfiltered packs a day,
thanks to this student."

				*	*	*
	[Cue the Shadow playgirls intermission!]

Shadow Play girl A-ko: [she's the one with a hair ribbon] "Did you hear?
Did you hear?"

Shadow Play girl B-ko: [excitedly jumping up & down] "Someone got an
invitation! Someone got an invitation!"

Shadow Play girl A-ko: [putting a hand to her forehead] "Oh, what is a
woman like me supposed to do?"

Shadow Play girl B-ko: [shrugging] "You could always decline."

Shadow Play girl A-ko: [aghast] "But then I wouldn't have the chance to
play dress-up and wear lipstick!"

Shadow Play girl B-ko: "Then how about you try going as something else?"

Shadow Play girl A-ko: [lament!] "But what else is there for me to go
as?"

Shadow Play girl B-ko: "You could always go as me!"

	[Cue the shadow puppet of Havoc!]

Shadow Perv Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! Now these are what I call shadow
boxers!"

Shadow Play girl B-ko: [sensing a draft] "Hey, those are my woolen
panties! Give them back--all three pairs of them!"

Shadow Play girl A-ko: [indignant] "That's the second time this
afternoon he's done that."

Shadow Play girl C-ko: ^-^ [bounding onto the scene] "Oooh, A-ko! Let's
go out and have a picnic lunch! I made it myself, and this time I'm sure
I got the recipe right!"

Shadow Play girl A-ko: [erk!] "A-Ano...."

Shadow Play girl B-ko: [ripping off her shadow dress to reveal a shadow
hardsuit] "How dare you monopolize *my* cute Shadow C-ko! Akigayama
Missiles!!"

					*	*	*
	Chaos put his ear against the door of the room Utena and Anthy
shared, carefully listening for any suspicious sounds. He wasn't sure
those psychotic ninja elephants were still after him.
	At least Anthy was something to look forward to...so long as she
didn't cook that killer curry dish. With any luck, she'd be extra kind
to him tonight before he engaged in avatar-fu with Beans tomorrow.
	Taking a deep breath and then opening the door, Chaos stood tall
in the frame. "Have no fear!" he boldly stated. "Chaos is here!"

	[Silence....]

Scrolling wind kana: *hwoooooooo*

Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "......"

	The first thing he noticed upon entering was that it wasn't Chu-
Chu sitting on the table eating. Instead, it was an all too familiar
stony face.

Christabel: "Evenin'."

Chaos: --;; "You again?"

	"I could get used to this role," Christabel said, stuffing another
cookie into her mouth.
	"I don't believe this," Chaos groaned, massaging his temples.
"First you show up as a less than impressive Ifrit, and now this? I have
seriously got to talk to Beans about her casting skills."
	Yet what Chaos didn't notice was Ophelia walking up behind him and
tapping him on the shoulder. And this being Chaos, he naturally freaked
and suavely leapt into the air with a shriek.
	"Sorry, but you were blocking the door," Ophelia said, smiling
kindly as she watched him cling to the chandelier. She then scooted into
the room, taking a seat next to Christabel.
	Chaos' kawaii kitty ears popped up as he reverted into a teary SD
mode. "Wait a minute! You're Anthy?! Now I'll never get any fanservice."
	"Damn straight," Ophelia shot back. "Besides, our roles were the
only thing that worked out well for Christabel and myself. As you can
see, my gargoyle's a natural for the part!"
	She sighed long-sufferingly at the gluttonous gargoyle. "Now, if I
could only convince her that Chu-Chu doesn't do sarcasm...."
	Christabel chuckled evilly.
	Ophelia sighed again. "I never get any good breaks."
	"The only break I got in this fic was when those pink ninja
elephants chased me into a china shop," Chaos said darkly. "Now I'm
stuck with porcelain shards down my skirt and an eighty thousand yen
damages bill."
	He released his talon-like grip on the chandelier, and neatly
plummeted headfirst onto the table.
	There was an awkward silence in the dorm room over the course of
the evening, punctured more often than not by Christabel's incessant
snacking. Ophelia tried to get some reading done, while Chaos furiously
typed away on his laptop.

Ophelia: "What are you working on?"

Chaos: ^-^ "My newest Chaosfic: Trigundam Wing!"

	Ophelia promptly clobbered him.
	"Hey!" the fanboy exclaimed, rubbing the oversized bump sticking
out from his hair. "What was that for?!"
	"Nothing," Ophelia replied evenly. "Just getting an early start
before the angry mob shows up."
	Chaos crossed his arms over his chest. "You're just jealous
because I created that Variable Geobreeders idea before you did. I
happen to think the idea of big-bosomed AI programs who take the form of
wrestling, nekojin waitresses holds a lot of merit!"
	And Ophelia would have surely driven the Nekobus repeatedly over
him had there not been a knock at the door.
	Ophelia headed over to the door, wondering who would even bother
showing up here. Beans was probably psyching herself up for tomorrow's
fanboy demolition derby, and barely anyone else knew they were here.
	No one was in the hallway, but there was a large and fancy package
addressed to Chaos. Not exactly taking into consideration who in Ohtori
Academy actually knew he was playing Utena, Chaos happily opened the
package and pulled out the gift in question...which happened to be a
large, inverted, tulip-shaped cowbell. It came complete with sky blue
tint, gold trim, and clattering bell.

Chaos: [teary Bambi eyes!] "It's a fancy necklace! This'll go great with
my black evening gown."

Ophelia: [sweatdrop!] "Um, Chaos? That's not a necklace."

Christabel: "Either way, he'll still be the talk of Tokyo at the end of
the evening."

	Chaos beamed, putting the ornament around his neck. "And it's got
a Sebastian Dior label too, the most elite designer brand in the Utena
universe--and purveyor to the British royal family too."
	"You don't say," Christabel remarked, oh so impressed.
	"I'm probably the last person who should be telling you this,"
Ophelia said hesitantly. "But that's a Koushi-chan Dior label, not a
Sebastian Dior label."
	Chaos turned his head, the cowbell clanging noisily from the
movement. "What are you saying?"

Ophelia: "Chaos, koushi means 'calf'. That's the Cowbell of Happiness
you're wearing."

Chaos: o.O [blink blink!]

	"Aha haaaaaaa...I knew that," he replied amidst nervous laughter.
"This must be decoration for the cows I use in my smites. Daijobu,
Ophelia, I shall simply remove this, and...and...."
	His voice trailed off as he tried to remove the cowbell. This
proved to be a rather futile effort however, even when he used the
acetylene torch.
	The gargoyle yanked the cowbell in for a closer inspection,
clothes-lining Chaos in the process. "Looks like someone superglued the
collar."

Chaos: o.O "WHAT?!"

	"She's not kidding," Ophelia agreed. "That thing's sealed around
your neck."
	"Shimatta!" Chaos exclaimed, wrestling with the cowbell. "If I
keep wearing this, I'll eventually turn into a cow like Nanami did! What
twisted fiend would send me something like this?"
	"Hey, there's a note here," Christabel piped up, removing a slip
of paper from the box the cowbell had come in. "'To my dearest Utena,
from Juri'."
	A sweatdrop appeared next to Ophelia's face. "I had no idea she
could be this vicious."
	"Damn you, Beans--moo!" Chaos shouted out the dorm room window.
"Damn you!"

	[Cue a super-deformed...Sarcasm-hime popping up and taking over
the Bean Wars?]

SD Sarcasm-chan: ^^ "Ohayo! Today we're here to talk about
Sarcasm-hime's techniques for seducing anime men!"

SD Chaos-chan: [racing onto the rant] "What is this? We were supposed to
explain the how's and why's of the Cowbell of Happiness. What happened
to 'Ask Mister Uber Exploder Wizard'?!"

SD Sarcasm-chan: "I told Darshu to take a break with Arshes Nei. He
didn't object much."

SD Chaos-chan: --;; "Stupid demon sorcerers...think they can do whatever
they want just because they can blow up a countryside."

SD Dark Schnieder-chan: [off in the distance] "I heard that.
MEGADETH!!!"

SD Chaos-chan: o.O "KYAAAAAAAA!!!"

	[Chaos is abruptly scorched by a fireball!]

SD Sarcasm-chan: "As we have seen many a time, anime men often run away
from the girls who love them the most, while going after sweet,
brainless ninnies or sexpots. Examples: Carrot Glaces, Hotohori,
Maze-kun, Ryo Saeba, Akito Tenkawa...."

SD Chaos-chan: [sweatdrop!] "That's a pretty extensive list."

SD Sarcasm-chan: "Studying Anime guys is my hobby."

SD Chaos-chan: "Sarcasm, you don't have a job in this fic! You're a
fangirl!"

SD Sarcasm-chan: "Excuse me, but I said studying them was my hobby. My
job is what happens afterwards in the bedroom, where I--"

SD Chaos-chan: >.<  "I don't wanna hear about it!"

SD Sarcasm-chan: "As I was saying, since a number of these guys are
total pervs who are--totally against type--running AWAY from potential
nookie, we can only assume this is because they'd rather chase than be
chased. So how to get around this problem?  Simple! It may be somewhat
unpalatable for the more independent and bossy of us, but it can
sometimes be necessary in order to get the bishounen of your dreams
without having to resort to lassoing and hog-tying him...unless, of
course, that's what you're into (^_~)."

SD Chaos-chan: [blush!] "......"

SD Sarcasm-chan: "What's with you?"

SD Chaos-chan: "A-Ano...."

SD Sarcasm-chan: "Hotaru handcuffed you to the toilet again last night,
didn't she?"

SD Chaos-chan: [with his kawaii kitty ears] "*Sniffle!* Well, at least
she used the fuzzy handcuffs this time. They don't leave as much of a
mark."

SD Sarcasm-chan: "See? This is what I'm talking about to all you
potential fangirls out there! Whipping them into submission can be fun,
but ya gotta admit that sometimes it just spoils the mood. So what to do
with those old-fashioned guys that just can't handle an assertive woman?
Ok, an assertive yaoi too...I'm an equal opportunity hentai."

SD Chaos-chan: --;; [groan!] "I don't believe this."

SD Havoc-chan: "Now do you see what I have to work with every Thursday
night at the Planet Hentai! Not a nekkid babe in sight; it's all
bishounen! Where's the Rule 3, I ask you?!"

SD Chaos-chan: [punting Havoc] "I do not need you of all otaku agreeing
with me, Havoc!!"

SD Sarcasm-chan: [clobbering Chaos with a Zanba spatula] "Finished yet?"

SD Chaos-chan: @_@ "Hai...."

SD Sarcasm-chan: "Where was I? Oh yes: how to deal with those cute Anime
guys who just can't handle an assertive woman. I call it the Miaka
solution. Play the shy, sweet and cute little debutante and flatter
their big manly protective ego, letting them think they're the one doing
the seducing...at least until you get them into bed. Then break out the
handcuffs and whipped cream! Woohoo!"

SD Hotohori-chan: O.o "Waitasec! I thought you were the *good* Miaka!"

SD Sarcasm-chan: ^^ "Think again, Hoto-kun! That was just a clever ploy-
-I threw the REAL Miaka down a well! And now I'm gonna rock your world!"

	[Sarcasm-hime pounces on Hotohori!]

SD Chaos-chan: [argh!] "I'm surrounded by perverts."

SD Havoc-chan: ^^ "You rang my bell?"

SD Chaos-chan: [irate oversized head mode!] "YOU STAY OUTTA THIS!!"

	[End of the Sarcasm ranting segment.]

					*	*	*
	Back at the apartment of the fanboys, things were surprisingly
quiet. Yes indeed, the absence of Chaos allowed the rest of the cast to
do their own things in peace and quiet. Namely, watch Anime.
	From where they sat on the couch, Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan
glanced over their shoulders as a loud explosion shook the apartment. A
short time later, Carnage wordlessly emerged from his room, hair burnt
and standing in all directions, his clothes torched and neatly
smoldering. He walked over to a chalkboard set up in the kitchen.
On it was the equation: Omega Drive + internal Tulip Boson Jump
	Carnage promptly crossed it off the board.
	"Escafanboy still giving you trouble?" Dark Mayhem asked.
	"More than I'd like to admit," Carnage sighed, flopping down on
one of the armchairs. "Blowing shit up is one thing; finding the right
mecha to do it with is the problem."
	"Words to smite by," Pesti-chan glibly remarked. Just then the
doorbell rang. "I'll get it," he volunteered. "But if it's another one
of those SPCAM guys, I'm letting Hysteria answer it instead."
	"Do you see either of us trying to stop you?" Carnage replied
evenly.
	Pesti-chan walked over to the front entry, and then froze upon
opening the door and seeing who was in the hallway.

Chibiusa: ^^ "Hi!"

Pesti: o.O;;

The front door: *SLAM!*

	Pesti-chan put his back to the door in the hopes of temporarily
barricading it. "Carnage, it's for you!" he called out.
	A few moments later, the front door opened for Chibiusa again.

Chibiusa: ^^ "Oha...yo?"

Carnage: >)  [with Buster Bomb] "Pink sugar this, Yamhead."

	Two minutes and twelve hundred megatons of thermonuclear mass
destruction later found the trio of fanboys happily relaxing once more
on the couch as they watched the latest Anime acquisition. Abruptly
their big-screen TV flickered, the image lost in static and snow.
	"What the hell?" Dark Mayhem muttered, getting up and smacking the
side of the television set.
	Then the entire apartment rippled as if going out of focus, lines
of static appearing in random streaks. The fanboys recoiled in super-
deformed surprise. As abrupt as the anomaly had occurred, the apartment
returned to its normal state.
	"Ooookaaaaay," Pesti-chan said slowly as he reassembled himselves.
"That was kinda creepy."
	Suddenly half the apartment completely vanished, a large nullified
sliver left, letting the fanboys gaze right across the street.
	Carnage leaped back from the edge, hissing his extreme
displeasure. "What the hell is this?!"
	"Maybe it's a residual effect from the Yamhead's presence in our
series," Dark Mayhem suggested, carefully heading towards the computer.
"The fic is purging itself from all that she tainted."
	"Our author coulda warned us first," Carnage said.
	Abruptly the apartment was whole again.
	Pesti-chan leaned over the side where half their living room had
vanished, tapping the floor to ensure it was still there.
"It's...solid," he said, unsure what to make of this development. "Think
that fic glitch is over?"
	"Hardly," Dark Mayhem countered, staring out the window. "You guys
had better take a look at this."
	The three fanboys stepped out onto the balcony, eyes widening as
they saw an enormous lightening storm overtake the distant Tokyo
cityscape. Districts were flickering in and out of existence. A roving
Valkyrie was blown apart by a random bolt of energy that exploded from
the skies above.

Dark Mayhem: [venturing a guess] "'Oh, the humanity', Carnage?"

Carnage: "Ha! You wish; that was that weenie Rick's Valkyrie."

	"Shimatta," Pesti-chan said quietly. He turned to Carnage.
"Carnage, what the hell did you do with that Omega Drive?"
	Carnage scowled. "Excuse me, but I take credit when I level a
continent; this isn't my work. Could this be a Yggdrasil bug
singularity?"
	Pesti-chan shook his head. "The singularity in F5! was never this
bad. This is something else."
	Dark Mayhem headed for the computer, quickly accessing their
series' database system. A few seconds later he found the problem. "Some
kind of paradox is taking hold within the fanfic. The Magi, Navi, BEAST
and Washu's personal scientific homepage are all registering some sort
of shockwave heading this way."
	The uber exploder otaku's fingers were a blur on the keyboard.
"According to the data, this thing originates from...the Utena
universe?"
	"What the hell did we ever do there?" Carnage said. He scowled.
"Don't tell me Havoc's trying to revolutionize the Planet Hentai again."
	Dark Mayhem shook his head. "No, this is something different. The
Utena continuity's being destroyed, and it's taking out the Sailor Moon
world in the process." One of his eyebrows lifted up as an explanation
was given on the screen. "It's the Bean Wars," he stated. "Beans is
decked out as Juri, and Chaos got stuck as Utena. She intends to destroy
Chaos in their next duel."
	"But...Utena never lost a match against Juri," Pesti-chan said.
	Dark Mayhem scowled. "That's where the continuity's being
threatened. The writers of Utena are the same writers of the S season of
Sailor Moon; if Beans destroys the Utena series, it'll backwash into
Sailor Moon. Any fanfic based in or after the S season will inevitably
be destroyed--including ours. It's a domino effect: one goes down, and
it soon takes everything else with it."
	Pesti-chan groaned. "And all this because Chaos couldn't keep his
hands off Beans' lake god."
	"Hai hai," Dark Mayhem agreed, typing away. "Funny how I always
thought that the world would end with Chaos doing something right for a
change." He scanned the screen again. "Looks like we've got maybe six
hours before our fic is annihilated."
	"Then what are we waiting for?" Carnage said, pulling out his
Zanba sword. "Let's go stop the Bean Wars--and then kick Chaos' ass for
nearly blowing us up!"

Hysteria: [excited li'l fangirl!] "Oooh! Can kawaii little Hysteria-chan
come to?"

Carnage & Pesti: "NO!"

Hysteria: [throwing a kawaii li'l hissy fit-chan] "Waaaah! Everyone's so
mean to poor kawaii little Hysteria-chan!"

	"Hang on, Carnage," Dark Mayhem said quietly, taking the mecha
otaku aside. "I think we should bring her."
	"Been victim of one too many kawaii tea parties, have we?" Pesti-
chan inquired dryly.
	Dark Mayhem glanced over at the uberkawaii fangirl. "Look, if
Beans really does have it in for Chaos, that place will be locked up
tighter than Marlemeiya's underground fortress in the Endless Waltz
OVAs."
	Carnage looked at Hysteria. "A distraction?"
	Dark Mayhem nodded. "She does make the perfect decoy: dangerous,
stupid and expendable."

Carnage: "Okay, Hysteria, you can come."

Hysteria: ^^ "Hai, Carnage-poppa!"

Carnage: [twitch!] "And stop calling me your poppa!"

Pesti: [eye roll] "Twit."

Hysteria: ^^ "Hai, Pesti-poppa!"

Pesti: --;; "Are we absolutely certain she has to come along?"

Dark Mayhem: "We have no idea what kind of security Beans has placed
around her Utena arc. And I'd prefer not to come back here with even
more repair bills charged to our account...courtesy of you, Carnage."

Carnage: [sincere smile!] "Daijobu. I'm an expert when it comes to
making a subtle entrance."

				*	*	*
	Ophelia shook her head as she watched Chaos graze on the roses in
the garden--and give a high-pitched shriek when he chomped down on a
thorn.

Chaos: o.O "Itaaaaaai, moo!"

	"That has to be one of the strangest things I've ever seen,"
Ophelia remarked. "It's as if Chaos bonded a little too closely with his
smite weapons."
	She looked over to a Beans, who was busy stretching out a very
stiff and sore body. "Nanami--I mean, Anarchy put you through more
training again?"
	Beans nodded. "I've been learning a lot on how to break
conventional Anime and fanfiction rules...but is it really a good thing
when your opponent decides to fence using the Laguna Blade?"
	The Mame leaned back on the lawn, stretching out her sore arms.
	"One thing's for certain," she said contentedly. "This afternoon's
duel is going to finally see an end to Chaos."
	Abruptly Ophelia cleared her throat. "*Ahem!* Ne, Beans, your
fanclub awaits."
	Beans glowered at the horde of romantically-sighing girls watching
her from one of the alcoves. "They haven't let up at all since I left my
dorm room this morning. I think I got Juri's popularity with the females
in the process."
	Ophelia chuckled, "I bet I know what you're thinking: why oh why
didn't I take the blue Sake?"

				*	*	*
	Chaos grimaced as he stood before the entrance to the arena.  He
placed his hand for the Rose Signet to open the way. Water started
pouring everywhere, creating a fine mist. As the mist cleared, it
revealed a now very damp and thoroughly unimpressed fanboy hiding
beneath his umbrella.
	"They should have *moo!* rain slickers for this place," he
muttered.
	However there was more for him to worry about than the fresh
tunafish that had somehow found its way into his shirt and was flapping
away like mad to escape. The gates with the white rose emblem over them
had opened up. Ready to embrace his destiny (so long as destiny was
willing to embrace him with a fish tail sticking out from his collar),
Chaos began his march to the dueling arena.
	The stairs proved to be the first daunting obstacle to his meeting
with fate.

Chaos: [exhaustedly crawling up the stairs] "Why *gasp!* hadn't anyone
thought...to install an elevator...*wheeze!* if this was to be a
central...*pant!* location in the story?

	What Chaos didn't expect was the typical "duel ascension" music to
start up as he made his way up the stairs:

	Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku
	Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku
	Shussei Touroku Senrei Meibo Shibou Touroku
	Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku
	Zettai Unmei Mokushi--

	Finally Chaos could take it no longer. With a half-maddened battle
cry he started firing cows in every direction, hoping to take out the
singing choir. A sudden crash, followed by half a dozen shrieks and the
breaking of glass later found Chaos enjoying his heart attack-inducing
climb in silence.
	Huffing and gasping for air, he finally made it to the top. There
was nothing but scenic blue skies and clouds far below, and that funky
upside-down palace overhead. Ophelia was in a beautiful red gown,
waiting for him. Beans was likewise waiting for him at the other side of
the platform. Who he didn't expect to see was Havoc standing not far
from Ophelia.
	"What the hell are you doing here?" Chaos managed to hack out as
he tried to use an asthma inhaler.
	Havoc turned his Chichiri grin to the fellow fanboy. "To play the
role of the playboy, of course. You can't have a proper fanfic full of
cute, nubile young ladies without the Hentenno."

Chaos: [turning to the authors] "Why can't I have contractual
obligations like that, moo?"

	Chaos walked slowly over to Ophelia. One of his eyebrows raised up
while appraising her attire. "You actually volunteered for this?"
	"Apparently so. I like the dress...but Beans should have reminded
me about the bit with the sword!" Ophelia said the last statement loud
enough for her friend to hear her across the way.
	Beans waved off the protest. "Your own fault for not thinking of
that sooner." She turned to Chaos. "Shall we begin?"
	Chaos tossed his puffer aside. "Bring it on. But we both know who
really wears the skirt in the Bean Wars!"
	Not sure if he was insulting her or insulting himself, Beans
continued with her issue of challenge. "I will have the power of the
Rose Bride. I will revolutionize this fanfic!"
	Beans took off her school blazer.
	Ophelia raised an eyebrow questioningly.
	"I won't have any restrictive clothing keeping me from defeating
him!" the Mame proclaimed, now wearing a loose undershirt.

Havoc: ^-^ [boing!] "I'll help you remove *all* your restrictive--!"

	Beans threw the blazer into Havoc's face before he could finish
the sentence. "Not a chance, Havoc. I agreed to let you be Touga, so
don't press your luck."
	She pulled a sword out of pocket space. It was kept in a plain
sheath and had a golden hilt. Beans smiled broadly as she drew the blade
out--and then abruptly sweatdropped. "What's with the Holstein designer
outfit?" she asked Chaos.
	"You should know, moo!" Chaos shot back. "This dumb cowbell you
gave me's possessed!"
	"Well, it was Anarchy's idea. Who am I to argue with her?"
	Chaos glared at Beans, a li'l raincloud appearing over his head.
"Okay, that's it, moo! You can only push this fanboy so far before he
goes over the edge." He turned to Ophelia. "Get your cleavage over here!
I need my sword to show this impertinent Mame who's the *real* author
avatar!"
	Ophelia sighed resignedly as she headed to the centre of the
arena. "I can't believe I agreed be a human sheath. What was I
thinking?"

				*	*	*
	The front gates to the Ohtori Academy were surprisingly heavily
guarded. In order to ensure that there were no unexpected disruptions to
Bean's ass-kicking session with Chaos, an entire garrison of Boomers had
been put in place around the academy's perimeter.
	This time there would be no escape for the fanboy.
	The front lobby for the school found itself in the presence of
numerous Boomers, all of them concealed beneath a seemingly frail and
human disguise. Not much was happening since Chaos was trapped on the
dueling arena with Beans. Most were just milling around. One was
absently reading a newspaper.
	And then a trio of young male avatars strolled in through the
front doors. Each one was dressed in a long black trenchcoat and wearing
very trendy sunglasses. The leader, a very inconspicuous Zanba sword
slung over his shoulder, was the first to walk through the metal
detector.
	The red buzzer went off.
	"Could you please remove any metallic items you're carrying," the
nearest Boomer instructed, standing between the fanboy and the exit into
the academy grounds. "Keys, loose change--"
	Carnage opened up his overcoat, only to reveal a vast assortment
of ridiculously huge mecha guns strapped to his jacket and body.

Boomer: o.O "Na ni?!"

	Carnage immediately pulled out a Castor gun, the #1 type shell
going off at point-blank range. There was very little to see of the
Boomer getting shredded. However, once Carnage actually finished firing
off the single walloping shot, a pair of severed and smoking robotic
feet could be seen firmly planted on the floor.
	A moment later, Dark Mayhem strolled through the metal  detector
and held out his arms. The sparking head of the Boomer abruptly dropped
into his awaiting hands. "You missed a spot," he remarked.
	"In a minuuuuute!" Carnage sang as he whirled, dropping the used
Castor gun and then pulling out a pair of twin Vulcan cannons from the
Heavyarms Custom. Exorbitantly large amounts of ammo got pumped into the
frantic Boomers moments later. Robotic parts were sent flying in every
direction.
	"Unit 23X-O49 calling for back-up," the last surviving Boomer
stated over his communications array. "Send back--"
	His message was abruptly terminated as Pesti-chan walked through
the metal detector and sent a Rumblequake that blew its head off. Pesti-
chan removed his sunglasses, taking a brief appraisal of the front
lobby.

Pesti: "Subtle."

Carnage: "Thank you."

	Still walking through the lobby, Carnage tossed aside his now
empty Vulcan cannons and then pulled out a Beam Rifle for each hand.
Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan were a step behind him.
	"I'm impressed you actually left walls intact this time," Dark
Mayhem said.
	Carnage shrugged. "The scene's still young."

	[Cue the swarm of Hyper Boomers!]

	The trio of fanboys paused as the Hyper Boomers stormed the lobby,
taking defensive positions behind the rows of pillars. The human bodies
were shredded to pieces as the Boomer endoskeletons expanded to their
full "quarterback on steroids" size. They all opened their mouths,
letting the large cannons extend from the back of their throats.
	"Place weapons upon the ground and surrender," a mechanical voice
warbled from one of the Hyper Boomers.
	Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan glanced at Carnage, and then dove for
cover. Not to hide from the Boomers, however. The maniacal glimmer in
Carnage's eye tends to send one panicking a little more than being
confronted by a platoon of killer robots.
	Carnage immediately raised the Beam Rifles and let loose another
volley of ammo that promptly shredded into fine little pieces anything
it could find: Boomers, pillars, the wall. Hyper-Boomers thrashed around
before being ripped apart by the continual autofire as Carnage dashed
behind one of the pillars.
	The handful of Boomers that were actually still in relatively one
piece opened fire, pelting the hapless front lobby. Bits of the
artistically designed walls were sent flying in a hailstorm of debris
and dust around everyone's heads.
	Dark Mayhem bent down to pick up the remains of the paper one of
the Boomers had been reading, oblivious to the spray of bullets that
tore apart the wall behind him.
	"Hm, Farneli Insurance is on the rise now that Meryl and Milly
have actually found Vash the Stampede," he remarked. "Maybe I should
consider buying stocks in that firm after all."
	Pesti-chan spun around as a stray Boomer leapt towards him from
above. Completely taken by surprise, the overlord panicked and shattered
into his multi-SD mode. This of course didn't help very much, as all the
SD Pesti-chans wound up getting tangled in the now oversized trenchcoat.

Hyper-Boomer: "Shin'ne!!"

SD Pesti's: o.O "KYAAAAAA!!"

	Unfortunately for the Boomer, the first SD Pesti-chan it happened
to pound was Pesti #3. At the risk of stating the obvious, the Cream
Lemon detonation resulted in there being a new and really cute Boomer-
shaped hole in the ceiling.
	Happily humming a tune to himself of "White Reflection", Carnage
tossed the now empty Beam Rifles aside, and then pulled out a portable
transpositional cannon. He spun back out into the open, unleashing a
Gravity Blast that turned the once well-secured lobby into a very open
atrium.
	There was a moment of dead silence as the dust settled.
	Pesti-chan and Dark Mayhem strolled out from behind large piles of
fallen ceiling to stand alongside a pleasantly-grinning Carnage. "Yare
yare," Pesti-chan said, looking around. "The interior decorator's going
to be pissed when he sees this."
	"See what?" Dark Mayhem countered. "I don't even think there's
enough here to classify this as a building's skeleton."
	A teary-eyed Carnage gave a wistful sigh. "That was just so damned
cool." He turned to the other fanboys. "Tea, anyone?"
	Pesti-chan and Dark Mayhem rolled their eyes.
	"We'll need to block the entrance in case more Boomers stupidly
decide to go after us," Pesti-chan stated, heading into the academy's
quad. "That is...if there's anything left to block the entrance with."
	Carnage tossed his transpositional cannon and cracked his
knuckles. "Already ahead of you. MEGA BRAND!!"
	Yet no sooner than the dust had settled did some rather irate
critics of Carnage's creative and artistic outlet for portraying mass
destruction charge onto the scene.
	"More expendable Boomers," Dark Mayhem observed.
	"They're almost as bad as the AD Police," Pesti-chan said.
	Carnage smiled as he pulled out the Physalis Gundam's atomic
bazooka. "No problem."
	"Hold it," Pesti-chan countered, getting Carnage to lower the
weapon. "This is where Hysteria can actually be useful for once."
	"Hai!" Hysteria piped up, leaping into the scene.
	And it wasn't long before Hysteria had the hapless and
disorientated Hyper Boomers all dressed up in kawaii frilly aprons for
her tea party. And it was a nice little tea party too...had one Hyper
Boomer not cracked under the uberkawaii pressure and vaporized the table
with a Satellite Strike.
	Hysteria wasn't exactly thrilled.
	Neither were the Hyper Boomers when they discovered just how
dangerous a kawaii killer butterfly could be.
	"So," Pesti-chan nonchalantly inquired as Boomers were being flung
through the air behind them. "Any idea where to go? This campus is
pretty damned big."
	Dark Mayhem consulted one of the directories. "Knowing Beans,
they'll be in the dueling arena."
	"I can get us there in no time," Carnage piped up.

Dark Mayhem & Pesti: "No Boson Jump, Carnage."

Carnage: --;; "I'm distraught that you guys don't trust me. I'm sure
it's working properly this time!"

			*	*	*
	Meanwhile, back on the arena beneath the upside-down castle,
things were not exactly looking right side-up for Chaos. The music cued
up again as Ophelia placed the roses that would mark the end of the duel
on each contender. She then walked to Chaos' side and sighed.
	"I don't know why I ever let you talk me into this...."
	Beans merely smirked as she watched Ophelia summon the sword.

	"O Roses of the noble castle,
	 O Power of Dios that slumbers within me,
	 Harken unto thy master and reveal to us..."

	Ophelia summoned the power of Dios. Somewhat reluctantly, she
leaned back and so that Chaos could draw forth his weapon.
	"...the power to revolutionize the fanfic, moo!" Chaos finished
triumphantly. He pulled out the sword, and then gawked as he wound up
removing her bar in the process. "Um, gomen," he said, watching the bra
slide down his blade.
	"For this, I became a Sailor Moon author?" Ophelia muttered to
herself."
	After removing the bra, Chaos raised his sword and took up a
battle stance...which vaguely resembled something out of a ballet class.
Beans postured in a threatening way.
	Suddenly a loud voice could be heard to shout, "MAME KOMBAT!!"
	Beans was the first to attack, charging at Chaos with more speed
and tenacity than Tsubasa disguised as a mailbox. "SHIN'NE!" was her
battle cry as she swung for Chaos' head.
	His sharpened fanboy instincts allowed him to duck before it was
removed from his neck. He put up the best fight he could, but the ball
was in Beans' court and he was left dribbling. If only he had a bib!
	And through it all, yet another bizarre Utena song was being sung
in the background.
	"You know," Chaos muttered as they pushed their blades against
each other. "If you're that bent on killing something, why not start
with that choir? I've got a great record of Lodoss War that we could
throw on instead."
	"Retribution!" Beans shouted, thrusting her sword at Chaos. He
recoiled to one side, dodging the attack.
	"Been taking lessons from Haruka, have you?" he remarked. "No
matter, my one-handed Chaos-fu is better than your Chaos-fu."
	"Oh, I've been doing more than learning swordplay from Haruka,"
Beans shot back, a devilish grin on her face. Suddenly her blade
shattered apart. In its place extended an enormous Beam Sabre.

Chaos: o.O;;

Beans: "I've been waiting a long time for this, Chaos!"

	Beans leaped into the air, defying gravity as she cleared the
distance of the arena in a single lunge. She brought the Beam Sabre
down, nearly cleaving Chaos in half. The terrified fanboy scrambled
backwards, shrieking incoherently--until he saw that his skirt had been
cut by her weapon.
	"Hey!" Chaos protested. "These things don't come cheap, I'll have
you know. It took me a good hour before they found a skirt this size to
fit my sexy little waistline."
	His eyes bugged out, and Chaos abruptly ducked as Beans took
another swipe at his head. Seeing that against an agile SD fanboy a
sword was rather useless, Beans tossed the Beam Sabre aside.
	"Aha!" Chaos stated. "I knew it was only a matter of time before I
tired you out and you realized the only option was surrender, moo!" He
struck a suave bishounen pose. "I'm not a sore winner Beans; throw down
your smites and I shall see to it your lake god's well-treated."
	Beans pulled out an octopus and sent it flying into Chaos' face.
"I'm done warming up," she cheerfully announced.
	She pulled out a fishing pole, and upon examining the line that
was attached to the octopus now stuck on Chaos' face, Beans gave a hard
yank. Chaos went flying, his flailing form pitched over the side of the
arena.

Beans: "Lunch time!"

	[Cue the Angel Gaghiel leaping out from the cloud cover!]

Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

	Yet once again super-deformity stuck its tongue out at the laws of
physics; Chaos managed to run completely vertical as the fishy-type
Angel tried to chomp down on him.
	He collapsed onto the edge of the arena, warily eyeing Beans.
"Wait a minute, moo," he said darkly. "The wanton flaunting of godlike
powers, the complete disregard for Anime continuities, the sadistic and
vicious attacks; I know that smiting technique anywhere."
	Beans gave the V-sign to Ophelia. "Anarchy taught me how to use my
power of the Fic for evil...and I like it." She clenched one of her
fists, magic being pooled into her palm. "She also taught me how to do
this: RA TILT!!!"
	Chaos panicked as he saw the Slayers attack heading towards him.
There was no chance a bathtub could deflect the spell, and a cow would
only wind up as barbecue. He abruptly paused in seeing Havoc standing
alongside him.

Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?"

Chaos: [flinging Havoc at Beans] "Ra Tilt counter-attack: Raging
Pervert!!"

	*SPLOOT!*

	However, Beans simply used her AT Field to deflect the torrents of
whipped cream. As the Cream Lemon washed over the sides of the arena,
she sauntered to where a dazed Chaos was sprawled out on the floor,
Catastrophe-chan nibbling on his sleeve.

Catastrophe-chan: ^-^ "chu chu!"

Chaos: --;; "Where were you when I needed a Beam Sabre to be digested?"

	"HA!" Beans exclaimed triumphantly. "I have you now!"
	No longer merely content to strike the rose from his chest, Beans
pulled out the Vayete Gundam's big-assed beam cannon with the full
intent of using it to silence Chaos' rantings permanently.
	Suddenly out from beneath the arena appeared the form of an F91
Gundam, Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan each standing on a shoulder blade. A
small chestplate popped open to reveal Carnage seated in the cockpit.
	"See?" Carnage said to the other two fanboys. "I told you this
beats taking the stairs."
	The trio of otaku hopped down to the arena floor, making their way
to the Bean War combatants. "Beans, I hate to break your euphoria, but
you can't destroy Chaos," Dark Mayhem stated.
	He moved to approach Beans, but thought better of it when she let
the barrel of the cannon rest against the cloth of Chaos' blazer.
	"Why not?" she countered. "I'll stop the insanity. Send you all
back to your real lives and we'll forget this ever happened.  All I need
is the Rose Bride."
	Beans had a fanatical look to her eyes now.
	"She looks like she could use therapy more than us," Pesti-chan
muttered to Carnage. He sweatdropped upon noticing that Carnage was too
busy stroking the Gundam to hear a word that had been said.
	"Beans, I can assure you we understand your desire to tenderize
Chaos," Dark Mayhem said. "However, do you realize what that will do to
the Utena continuity if Juri wins this battle?"
	Beans sniffed. "I've thought this through. What is one series when
we're talking about saving the whole ball of Anime wax?"
	The uber exploder fanboy continued to inch closer slowly. "True,"
he agreed, "but you do realize that the writers of Utena are the same
writers of the S season of Sailor Moon, ne? If you unravel this series,
it's going backwash into every last Sailor Moon fanfic in the S or post-
S timeline."

Beans: o.O [erk!] "M-Masaka."

	"He's right," Pesti-chan added. "You'll not only wind up
destroying our series, but College Life as well. Haruka and Michiru
would cease to exist, and then moments later all our fics will be
completely annihilated."
	"And all because you offed Chaos in the wrong series," Carnage
finished.

Beans: [lamenting SD mame mode] "Damn! And I was so close too!"

Chaos: --'' "Gee guys, don't stop her because she's trying *moo!* to
kill your friend or anything."

Fanboys: "We're not."

	Suddenly a newcomer stepped into the arena.
	Riot grinned, raising his katana sword. "Ah, I'm afraid you'll
have to fight me first in a duel of anything-goes martial arts world
revolution-fu. And I should warn you, I have studied for many an
honorable year in this technique."
	Pesti-chan turned to Dark Mayhem. "Who is this guy, and why he
keep showing up in our fanfics?"
	"How the hell should I know?" Dark Mayhem retorted. "My version of
martial arts is when Ami takes a set of chains, and ties me to--"
	"Thank you, I've already used my imagination against myself!"
Pesti-chan cut in.
	Beans looked over at Ophelia for support. "A little help here?"
	"They have a point," Ophelia admitted sadly.
	The look of defeat was unmistakable as she withdrew her cannon,
then threw her rose to the ground, stomping on it. She sulked off to
retrieve her blazer before leaving the arena with a raincloud of gloom
floating over her head.

Beans: [abruptly turning around] "This isn't over, Chaos. Not by a long
shot."

Chaos: [valiantly hiding behind Carnage] "Ha! I'll show you, Beans! Next
time it'll be my turn to revolutionize the Bean Wars once and for all!"

	[Cue the terrified flying octopus!]

Terrified flying octopus: o.O  *SPLAT!*

Chaos: --;; "You're *moo!* mocking me, aren't you, Beans?"

Dark Mayhem: "Well, she's gone. You can stop cowering anytime now,
Chaos."

	[Chaos shuffles out from behind Carnage.]

Pesti-chan: [eyebrow twitch!] "Is that a cowbell he's wearing?"

Dark Mayhem: "You know, Chaos, aside from Nanami you're the only twit I
know who would mistake the Cowbell of Happiness for a pendant."

Carnage: [shaking his head] "At least it explains the Holstein
leotard...not that I wanted to know in the first place."

	[Suddenly Chaos turns into a cow!]

Fanboys: [recoiling in surprise] "NA NI?!"

Anarchy: "At last! I've been waiting for this moment all fic long."

Nyugu Chaos: [blink blink!] "Moo?"

Anarchy: ^-^ [with fork & knife!] "Itadakimasu!"

Nyugu Chaos: o.O "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

				*	*	*
	Beans and Ophelia meekly stood before their employer.
	"You two failed me again," the woman said, evidently anything but
happy with the two authors and a gargoyle.
	"He must be made of teflon and have more blind luck than Mihoshi
to escape every time!" Ophelia tried to explain.
	"Enough! Our deal is off. I'll find some other way to take care of
Chaos."
	"But...but...." Beans lower lip quivered at the thought of
continued bouts with writer's block. "Don't we get *something* for all
our efforts?"
	Their employer turned around to face them. Sailor Pluto leaned
closer to Beans. "I won't tell Haruka and Michiru how you almost wiped
them out of existence. How about that?"
	Beans' eyebrow twitched. "Why you--!"
	Ophelia grabbed onto Beans and pulled her back. "Crossing this
Senshi could equal deletion from the time stream," she muttered to her
friend. Addressing Pluto, she said, "That's fine, Pluto-sama, thank you.
We'll be going now,"
	"Hang on," Beans countered. "I still want to know why you wanted
us to take him out. I would have expected a contract out on Havoc, but
not Chaos. What did he do to you?"
	"The Otakinator incident," the Senshi of time answered.
	Beans' eyes widened. "Oh...that."
	"What? What are we talking about?" Ophelia asked, looking from one
to the other.
	"Have you read the end of His lordship Chaos and Jolt's Cameofic?"
Setsuna inquired.
	Ophelia shrugged. "Do they have Coles Notes on it?"
	Beans sighed. "At the very end of the story, a bunch of MSTiers
decided to take on a large killer robot Carnage had modified. Right when
the two sides unleashed their attacks, Chaos used his bathtub smite and
dropped Setsuna right in the middle."
	A sweatdrop appeared next to Ophelia's head. "But you control
time. What could have been so bad about...oh. Havocs got you, didn't
they?"
	"Hai," Setsuna answered, visibly trying to calm herself. "They
appeared on either side of the tub, just in time to get blown into Cream
Lemon. The force...lifted up my bathtub...throwing me far, far, far,
away...to land in John William's orchestra...while they were scoring the
soundtrack to Bean Wars...on the timpani."
	Both Ophelia and Beans winced.
	"I'm was going to seek revenge on those two pervs," Setsuna
continued. "until I realized that the Sploot phenomenon is normal for
them. But the Mega Sploot...that was Chaos's fault for getting me
trapped in the crossfire in the first place."
	Ophelia dragged Beans back to the Time Gate and shoved her
through. "Well, that was a fun story, nice doing business with you!"
	She gave a small wave before disappearing herself.
	Pluto tugged on her fuku, straightening the skirt before leaving
herself. "Silly, aggravating authors. Think they control things around
here. It's good to put them back in their place once in a while."
	Still chuckling to herself, she pointed her Time Staff in one
direction. "Nice try, Havoc. Dead Scream."

Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?"

	*SPLOOT!!*

					*	*	*
	Beans was strangely happy today.
	It might have been because the weather was sunny and warm. It
might have been because she had no classes or homework or Chaos to worry
about that day. Or it might have been because she had just happened to
stumble across a trail of SD Haruka-chan patterned panties.
	Absently singing to herself a made-up tune that went something
like "luck be a Mame tonight!", Beans happily skipped down the pathway.
Every now and again she would stop and pick up the latest SD Haruka-chan
panty to add to her already enormous collection.
	Forget having an SD Haruka panty for every day of the week. At
this rate, she would be able to have one for every day of the month!
	And then a panty different from the others showed up on the
pathway. "Hm? Na ni?" Beans asked, picking up the item of underwear.
	It didn't look like an SD Haruka-chan panty.
	Beans suddenly recoiled in terror upon the hideous realization
that she was holding a set of SD Starlight panties! Her hand had come
into contact with underwear which had those icky transsexual Senshi
wanna-be Starlights on it!
	Instantly the shock took hold, her entire body reduced to a
twitching mass of self-inserted avatar. The large pile of SD Haruka-chan
panties was thrown in the air, landing so close yet so far from Beans'
grasp. She desperately tried to get closer to the pile, knowing that (in
a really twisted sense of irony) if she could only come into contact
with the panties having her beloved Senshi on them, she could recover.
	Alas, she could barely get past her twitching.
	"I knew those SD Haruka-chan panties would be too good for you to
pass up," a voice stated from above.

Beans: [looking around] "Who's there?!"

	Suddenly Chaos unceremoniously fell from the tree and faceplanted
onto the ground.

Beans: --;; [twitch twitch!] "I should have known."

	Upon pulling his head out from the dirt, Chaos cackled maniacally
at the immobilized Beans. "MWAH HAH HA HAH HAH!!! And you thought I
didn't know your weakness, Beans. Well guess what? Not only do those
panties have the Starlights on them, but they were also *worn* by the
Starlights!!!"
	Beans' eyes widened as her twitching fit doubled in severity. "Not
even *you* could be that sadistic!" she exclaimed.
	Chaos smiled, picking up the panty nearest to him. "Now you see
why I shall win the Bean Wars...because you are too dumb when it comes
to these Haruka-chan panties."
	Unfortunately, Chaos wound up grabbing the SD Starlight-chan
panties instead of the SD Haruka-chan ones...and was immediately reduced
to a twitching mass o' fanboy beside Beans.
	So now the two arch-rivals for a lake god were stuck, both of them
twitching furiously in and out of SD mode without a clue as to how to
get the scene to end.
	"T-t-t-h-h-i-i-s-s-s i-i-i-s-s a-l-l-l y-y-y-o-o-u-u-r-r f-f-a-a-
u-l-l-l-t-t-t-t!!!" Beans said irately.
	"M-m-m-m-y-y-y f-a-a-u-l-l-l-t-t-t-t?!" Chaos retorted. "Y-y-y-y-
o-o-u-u-u c-c-c-o-o-u-l-l-l-d-d h-h-a-v-v-v-e j-j-u-u-s-t-t-t h-h-h-h-a-
a-n-n-d-e-e-e-d-d o-v-v-e-e-r-r-r t-t-h-h-h-e-e-e l-a-a-a-k-k-e g-g-g-g-
o-o-o--d-d-d t-t-t-o-o m-m-m-m-e-e-e!!!"
	"Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed, suddenly bounding across the Omake. The
SD Haruka-chan panties drew him like Misato to a can of Yebicyu beer; he
abruptly froze in mid-bound, the caption "Pervus in extremis cream
lemonus pantiboostius" appearing below him.
	"Look at the treasure trove of silken darlings, and all for
Hentenno!" he exclaimed happily.
	Chaos' eyes bugged out as Havoc snatched the entire stash of SD
Haruka-chan panties. "HEY! GET BACK HERE YOU PERVERT!" he shouted after
Havoc. "I got those on loan from the Silky Doll! If they're not back by
six tonight, I can't get a refund!! HAVOC!!!"

					*	*	*
	Chaos chuckled to himself--and not because he thought he looked
just so damned cute in that slinky red dress of his. No, for even though
the first phase of his plan had gone slightly awry, the second phase was
exactly as he had calculated it.
	"I have you now, Beans," Chaos laughed, leaning over the edge of
the table. "To have my way with your lake god, the way it was always
meant to be: as *my* mascot."
	Abruptly Chaos pulled out a Beans plushie.
	"'Oh, no! Get away from me!'" he said in a higher-pitched voice,
poorly mimicking Beans. He had the Beans plushie try to run from the
Chaos plushie already on the table.
	"Ha ha! You shall never escape the mighty Lord Chaos! Now bow
before me and call me the Dragqueen!"
	"'Chaos, you moron, what the hell are you up to?!'" the Dark
Mayhem plushie snapped.

Chaos: o.O [blink blink!]

	Chaos' eyebrow twitched, and he immediately threw the Dark Mayhem
plushie over his shoulder, now pulling out a Newt Schneider plushie
instead.
	"Hush, uber exploder Newt-Boy!"
	He reached over to grab his Desolation plushie...only to discover
that he had somehow managed to lose it again. So Chaos instead opted to
pull out the Red Queen Kasumi plushie. Before he knew what was
happening, the Skimehime-chan plushie has subdued the Chaos plushie.

Red Queen Kasumi plushie: [with whip!] "'Please call me the Queen,
Chaos!'"

Chaos plushie: "KYAAAAAAA!!! JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA
JO'O-SAMA!!!"

	Suddenly the door to his bedroom was thrown open!
	In a frantic panic attack, Chaos desperately tried to gather up
his horde of Fanboy plushies and hide them. However he only managed to
send them flying in every direction.
	"Chaos, you're needed for the next scene!" Pesti-chan exclaimed.
He sweatdropped upon seeing Chaos trying to whistle nonchalantly as
plushies rained down from above.
	Pesti-chan shook his head. "Stop playing with your UFO Catcher
dolls again and do something intelligent for once."
	"Hey!" Chaos shot back. "I'll have you know that these are action
figures, Pesti-chan! Action figures!!"

					*	*	*
	Chaos slowly marched through the front door, towering before his
mortal enemy. Yes, the SD Haruka-chan panty gambit had paid off, for now
Beans was trapped. Angrily rocking in the chair she was tied to, Beans
started to speak some colourful vocabulary that we really shouldn't
repeat here...even if it was all in Japanese. 	The rest of the
fanboys--Dark Mayhem, Pesti-chan, Carnage, Havoc, Anarchy and even
Hysteria--were on hand to witness this momentous event. Could it be
possible? Could Chaos have actually defeated Beans and taken control of
the Bean Wars? Would they still be able to call him Sailor Dragqueen
after this?

Fanboys: "Yes."

Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "Hey! I didn't ask to look like Relena freakin'
Peacecraft here!"

Pesti: "That still doesn't explain the earrings, Chaos."

Carnage: "Not that we actually *want* an explanation."

Hysteria: "Ooooh! Chaos-momma's kawaii little earring-chans are just
sooooo kawaii, ne? Ne? Ne?

Dark Mayhem: [eyebrow twitch!] "Listen, Hysteria, if you use that damned
word 'kawaii' one more time, I'm gonna rip out your tongue and slap you
with it!"

Hysteria: ^-^ "Hai, Dark-poppa!"

Havoc: "Anyone care for some Jello?"

Fanboys: "SHADDUP HAVOC!!!"

	[Everyone pauses and turns to Anarchy.]

Anarchy: [glancing up from her book '101 Ways To Nuke Tokyo'] "What the
hell are you looking at me for? I don't feel like delivering my line
right now...so what are you insects going to do about it?"

Fanboys: [whistling nonchalantly] "......"

	"And now if I might be able to get back to my glorious domination
of the Bean Wars," Chaos said, un-derailing the plot and putting it back
on track--only to get run over by a bullet train moments later.
	Beans tried to wriggle free of her ropes, but found that a futile
effort.
	Chaos sighed, pulling up a chair for himself. "I really didn't
want to have to do this," he said to Beans as he sat down in front of
her. "I mean I *really* didn't want to have to do this, Beans, but you
have forced my hand!"
	"Give it up already!" Beans exclaimed in exasperation. "The lake
god is mine! I even have notarized proof of ownership! Your author won't
even let you have it for more than two paragraphs! Can't you take a
hint?!"
	A sweatdrop appeared next to Chaos' head. "I'm not following you."
	Beans groaned.
	"But," Chaos added. "I have brought you here to reveal my ultimate
lake god-acquiring technique. Gaze upon this title, Beans, and despair!
For nothing can prepare you for--!!"
	He then pulled out a large manuscript. "Chaosfic-fu!"

Riot: [abruptly looking around] "Did I hear a most honorable challenge
of anything goes martial arts Chaosfic-fu being made?"

	"Presenting my newest Chaosfic," Chaos said, letting Beans read
the title for herself.
	Her eyes widened. "NA NI?! Doco Wa Greenwood!"

Pesti: o.O "Dear lord!"

Carnage: "Masaka!"

Dark Mayhem: "Chaos, you aren't seriously thinking of reading that
Greenwood/Ranma 1/2 crossover out loud to her?"

	"Chaos," Pesti-chan said nervously. "Remember what happened when
you did that reading for your Ruruoni Kenshinma fanfic?"
	"Aw, that was just a coincidence!" Chaos scoffed, throwing caution
to the wind--only to get it flung back onto his face. "I mean, so that
freak Satellite Strike went off in the middle of my reading."

Carnage: --;; "There was nothing accidental about that one."

Dark Mayhem: "And yet Chaos still didn't take your subtle hint."

Hysteria: ^-^ "Ooooh! Doco Wa Greenwood-chan sounds like such a kawaii
little Chaosfic-chan, ne? Ne? Ne? It reminds Hysteria of her kawaii
little Hysteriafic-chan, Sailor V Gundam!"

	[Cue the facevaults!]

	"Enough page-wasting!" Chaos proclaimed, gesturing for silence.
"Now, nothing can stop me from proving that I am the Otaking!"
	And with that, he began to read.

Chaos: [let's start at the very beginning!] "*Ahem!* 'Hmph!' Shampoo
sniffed indignantly. 'Shampoo no want date with you. Shampoo want date
with Ranma!'...oh, wait! I lost my place! Give me a second...there we
go!"

Carnage: [aside to Dark Mayhem] "Great start. This fic's narration
managed to begin in the bowels of hell."

Dark Mayhem: "No, we hit that around page three. We're more in the
duodenum of hell at the beginning."

Chaos: [read like you wanna win...that lake god!] "Akane shook her face-
-er, head! I meant head! I could have sworn I changed that mistake.
Anyhoo, Akane shook her face--argh! Head! She shook her head, and opened
up the door to her dorm room. A man young looked up...man young? This
ain't Yang Wen-li!"

Beans: [eyebrow twitch!] "I don't believe this."

Pesti: "Ne, is it getting cold in here, or is it just me?"

	The fanboys looked at each other, nodding agreement about Pesti-
chan's observation. However, unbeknownst to Chaos, the more he read, the
more the world around him started to turn...ominous. The other fanboys
glanced out of the windows as black storm clouds rolled across the
skies, swallowing up the sunshine. What was once a gentle breeze started
to pick up, taking only minutes to become a howling gale.

Chaos: [still reading] "'You see, only girls are allowed here in Ryokuto
Academy,' Ukyo explained to a still shocked Akane. 'But ever since he
fell into some cursed spring, Ranma can change genders depending on the
water temperatire'...no wait a minute! That's temperature! I thought I
had spellchecked that one."

	"Dammit!" Carnage snapped, grabbing hold of one of the rampantly
swinging window shutters. "Why did Chaos have to use this crappy beach
shack from the movie Coo for this?!"
	"Why else?" Pesti-chan replied, pushing the front door shut as the
winds caused it to loudly bang against the wall. "No one would look for
him here! He could do this idiotic thing undisturbed!"
	Dark Mayhem's eyes narrowed as he watched small bits of grass and
bark and loose sand get picked up by the winds. Steadily, larger and
larger objects were being thrown into the air. "Son of a bitch. I think
that dumbass has managed to conjure up a hurricane!"
	Hysteria excitedly clapped her hands. "Ooooh! Hurricane-chan!
Hurricane-chan! Hysteria konya wa Hurricane-chan!"
	Dark Mayhem's eyebrow twitched. Seconds later Hysteria was pitched
out of the door. The uber exploder fanboy immediately slammed the door
closed and bolted it down.
	"I'm impressed you didn't just punt her through the wall," Carnage
remarked. "I would have."
	Dark Mayhem shrugged. "The winds would have just thrown her back
in."

Chaos: [he keeps reading and reading and....] "'Ran-chan got enrolled
here at Greenwood after that, and now has to pass himself off as a girl
in order to get to college'...No, no, Ukyo should more say graduate.
That's what I meant for her to say!"

	Pesti-chan's eyes bugged out as the tropical plants that lined the
outer edge of the beach started to visibly wilt. Green leaves turned
brown and then grey, breaking apart like ash and then being scattered in
the growing gales.
	Suddenly Hysteria bounced off the side of the window. "Ohayo,
Pesti-poppa!" she exclaimed. "Wheeeeee! Hysteria's having so much kawaii
fun!"
	Pesti-chan promptly freaked, splitting back into his 6 SD selves
once more.
	Anarchy shook her head, flipping another page of her book. "Her
gene pool serious needed a lifeguard when it first started out. Ah, here
we are! Chapter seventeen: psychic detonations."

Chaos: [more Chaosfics!] "Akane scowled. 'I am not having this pervert
as my roommate!' But Ranma merely laughed. 'What? Jealous because I have
a better body than you?'...Na ni? I thought I had moved that sentence
onto page six. Hang on a minute, Beans, I need to sort through this."

	Carnage was now in a race against the hellish tempests to nail
boards across the rattling windows. He froze at one point in time, a
sweatdrop appearing next to his head as he saw, despite the winds,
numerous birds dropping dead onto the beach.
	"M-Masaka!" he said. "Mayhem, I think we should seriously seek
shelter!"
	"There's always the Planet Hentai," Havoc offered, looking up from
his bowl of Jello. "Hotcha! And tonight's the night we release me newest
Havocfic: Dragon Knight Rayearth!"
	"I AM NOT THAT DESPERATE YET!!!" the oversized balloon head of
Carnage snapped.

Chaos: [let's go DoCo!] "Ranma-chan frantically tried to dodge Kodachi's
ribbon, but in hte...er, the cramped ahllways...what the?! Did I even
spellcheck these pages?! *Ahem!* The cramped hallways, this was nearly
impossible...ne, where is Ukyo? She shows up in the next paragraph, but
I didn't mention her at all."

Beans: [grrr!] "Must..fight...creeping...insanity! Cannot let...my brain
turn...to--!"

Havoc: ^-^ [offering her a bowl] "Jello?"

Beans: "NO!!!"

	Dark Mayhem's eyes widened as suddenly the door was torn from its
hinges, the suction managing to pull the glasses off his face. He
grabbed hold of one of the wall corners as the vacuum tried to pull
virtually everyone out of the beach shack.
	"Here comes the hurricane!" he shouted.
	Unfortunately, Carnage had been slightly unprepared at the time,
what with him having used a Beam Cannon on its "easy" setting to fuse
the metal panels covering the windows to the wall. The mecha otaku was
pulled outside and swept up in the cyclone, Gundams flying out of his
pockets.

Carnage: [swimming through the air!] "My toys! My toys! I can't do this
job without my toys! (o.O) KYAAAAAAA!!! And I just had my VOTOM hood
ornament installed yesterday!"

Hysteria: @.@ [around, around, around, around!] "Waaah! Hysteria's
getting dizzy!!!"

Chaos: [completely oblivious] "And with that, P-chan ran into Akane's
arms while Ranma-chan slipped on the soap!...um, when did I mention the
soap? (o.O) I didn't! Shimatta! I had better go back and write that in
quickly before someone notices the mistake."

Dark Mayhem: [staring up at the black vortex now above the shack] "Oh, I
think somebody's noticed your mistake all right, Chaos!"

	All six Pesti-chans shrieked as one was pulled towards the door.
SD Pesti-chan #6 managed to snag hold of SD Pesti-chan #5's legs before
he was sucked out--only to discover that he too was being caught in the
pull. SD Pesti-chan #1 caught #6's arm, but was also dragged, until #3
grabbed hold. But, being only half one's size and weight while in SD
mode, none of them had enough traction to anchor the chain. #4 snagged
#3's arm, and #2 managed to find a grip on both #4 and the counter.
	Anarchy paused in her reading as she looked up to see a chain of
frantic SD Pesti-chans all flapping around in the air. "They look like
they could use some help," she remarked.
	And with a shrug, she returned to her book and bottle of Sake from
behind the safety of her AT Field.
	Suddenly the walls splintered, the roof itself twisting violently
before it was ripped from the foundations. Any piece of furniture not
bolted down was immediately sent soaring across whatever was left of the
beach shack.

	[Cue the fridge that rockets towards Havoc!]

Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?"

	Caught unawares, Havoc was broadsided by the flying refrigerator,
instantly detonating into whipped cream. The Cream Lemon was pulled into
the skies by the hellishly black storm, everything now a turned into
creamy darkness.

Chaos: "Ne, is it getting drafty in here, or is it just me?
Anyhoo...Kasumi looked out from her dorm room and said, 'oh dear.' Say,
Beans, do you think I should reword that? It doesn't pack quite a good
enough punch."

Beans: [argh!] "Why can't I be sucked up and be freed from the pain?!"

Dark Mayhem: "He's superglued your chair to the floor!"

Chaos: "Hush, uber exploder Newt-boy! You just don't know good art when
you read it!"

SD Pesti-chans: "NEITHER DO YOU, CHAOS!!! TASUKETEEEEEE!!!"

					*	*	*
	With a startled yelp, Desolation threw himself onto the beach
sands, narrowing missing a flying door from clocking him in the face.
Spitting out the sand he had nearly tried to breathe, the lost fanboy
slowly picked himself up.
	"What's with this weather?" he exclaimed, fighting to stay upright
thanks to the abruptly nasty wind sheers. "The Weather Report Girl said
today was supposed to be sunny where I was!"
	Desolation's eyes bugged out upon nearly getting smacked by a
flying piece of Jello. He spun around--only to see a tree uprooted from
the ground soaring towards him.
	"Shimatta!"
	Quickly thinking, Desolation reached back into his pack and pulled
out a pomegranate of vengeance. He frantically yanked out the pin and
then lobbed the fruit at the incoming tree. Unfortunately the winds were
against him, and the pomegranate boomeranged.

Desolation: o.O "Oh no."

	The pomegranate neatly exploded right into his face, leaving a
scorched lost li'l fanboy as the smoke was blown away. Needless to say,
the explosion hurt. A lot. Though not as much as when Desolation was
smacked face-first by the tree.
	"Itaaaaaiii!! I need to find a place to wait out this storm," he
lamented. "And just my luck, there's no roof in sight for me to hide
under!"

	[Cue the flying beach shack roof that crashes down atop Desolation
for no apparent reason!]

Desolation: "A-Arigato...."

					*	*	*
	"Had enough?" Chaos inquired, still completely oblivious to what
was happening to the world as he read his fanfic. "There's still ten
chapters and sixty-three more pages to go before I finish this one. And
there's a sequel too I happen to have here with me!"
	"No!" Beans snapped, fighting to keep a hold of her sanity. "NO! I
will not give into your Chaosfic!
	Chaos tilted his head to one side, adeptly dodging Hysteria as she
went for another flyby. "Hai hai. Onwards, to the next section! Akane's
heart pounded furiously as she heard Ranma moving around on the other
side of the curtain. No doubt *he* was changing--though I am not about
to go into any ecchi scenes here, Beans. After all, I have standards of
excellence I must follow. Now where was I? Ano...ano...ano...."
	"Damn your black heart and brainless head!" Beans shouted.
	Anarchy glanced up as she heard something strike her AT Field, and
subsequently get fried by it. She blinked as she saw a sizzling Carnage
on the other side. "Oh. You."
	"An-chaaaaaan!" Carnage lamented, giving her the teary Bambi eyes.
	"Oh, alright! I'll humor you," she sighed, rolling her eyes. She
snapped her fingers. Carnage was clobbered by a randomly flying Ishtar
mecha seconds later. "Happy now?" she inquired, returning to her book.
	"I'll be happy once the swelling goes down," Carnage groaned,
plastered to the shoulder pad of the Gundam. He looked up, only to see
Hysteria neatly seated on the mecha.

Hysteria: ^-^ [giggle giggle!] "Fancy La La meeting you here, Carnage-
poppa!"

Carnage: "*Don't* call me...Carnage...poppa...Havoc, what the hell are
you doing?"

	[Cue Havoc being leisurely whipped around the whirlwind while
strapped into his panty parachute!]

Havoc: "Just enjoying the draft. I bet I could get some real airtime if
I used this baby to slingshot me back to Tokyo. Pu-chan would never know
what hit her panties once I attain Mach 7 with this cyclone!"

SD Pesti #3: [catching a ride on the parachute] "Mind if I tag along?"

Other SD Pesti's: [flying all over the place!] "HENTAI!!!"

	Chaos finished off another page, flipping it over. "Now then,
Nabiki had devused...no, devased...divesed...*ahem* had made up another
plan to extort money off of Kuno."
	Lightening started to flash, enormous bolts streaking through the
sky and narrowly missing the flying fanboys. The ground was starting to
quake and tremble, water being picked up and splashed all over the
place.
	With an exasperated groan, Dark Mayhem flattened his back against
the wall, letting the wind securely pin him there. "Chaos, don't you
think you're tempting fate just a little too much?" he shouted over the
howling gales. "Your stupid-assed story's only encouraging the storm to
get worse than--!"
	Abruptly a large spray of airborne water splashed against Dark
Mayhem, his Jusenkyo turning the uber exploder fanboy into Newt
Schneider. The vacuum picked up the newt instantly, carrying him into
the air along with virtually everyone else.
	Anarchy might have helped...has she not fallen asleep in the midst
of all this.
	As for Beans, she was still stubbornly refusing to let her will be
broken by something as lame as a Chaosfic. Defiantly staring down Chaos,
she abruptly noticed the floor starting to buckle.
	"Um, Chaos?"
	"Hold on," Chaos said, quickly scribbling white-out across part of
the sheet. "I got Hard Lemonade on this part, and can't read what I
typed. The white-out will help me clear my thoughts. I think it has
something to do with Ranma pissing off Shampoo and getting the kiss of
death."
	Suddenly the earth split apart, a massive yawning chasm opening up
right in behind Chaos. The jagged crack started moving towards the
fanboy, who still was completely ignorant of the unnatural phenomenon he
had invoked.
	"Or maybe it was where Genma Panda pretends to be a big Totoro
plushie in Ranma and Akane's dorm room," Chaos mused.
	"Chaos!" Beans exclaimed.
	Chaos looked up at her. "No, your will can't crack yet! I've just
gotten to the good part, where Happosai pretends to be a transfer
student and--KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
	By this time the chasm had opened up right beneath Chaos,
swallowing him and the chair whole! The fading shrieks of Chaos died out
eventually, and then the ground moved back to close the hole. The winds
dropped, the dark storm clouds dissipating almost instantly.
	Sand, water, tree parts, Gundams, and fanboys all came crashing
down onto the beach in a less than graceful mess. And in that brief lull
when all the debris had settled for a single moment...everything was
then splattered by a downpour of Cream Lemon.
	With a groan, Dark Mayhem slowly lifted himself up from the
whipped cream rubble. He walked over to Beans and untied her from the
chair.
	"He really did have delusions of adequacy, didn't he?" she
remarked.
	Dark Mayhem nodded. "Hai hai."
	Carnage and Anarchy joined the group, though Havoc was nowhere to
be seen. Yet somewhere near the gates of time, a quiet "Dead Scream"
could be heard, followed by a loud detonation of whipped cream.
	"Waaah!" Hysteria lamented. "What happened to poor kawaii little
Chaos-poppa?"
	A newly reformed Pesti-chan stumbled over to where Chaos had once
been. "Aiya," he said. "Nature itself rebelled against his fanfic."

					*	*	*
	[One week later....]

	Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan strolled down the hallways of the
Jyuban District Hospital. "So, how's he today?" Pesti-chan inquired.
	"Oh, he should be out of here in another day or two," Dark Mayhem
replied.
	Pesti-chan nodded. "Ah, I see. What about Chaos?"
	The two fanboys stopped at one of the open doorways, peering
inside. There on the two hospital beds were Chaos and Desolation.
Desolation was only sporting a few chest wrappings and an arm in a
sling. Chaos on the other hand was covered in plaster casting, only the
eyes remaining visible.
	"Ohayo!" Desolation said cheerfully, waving to them. "Good to see
you guys again. It's been so nice to see a set of faces on a more
permanent basis...that whole 'getting lost on Planet Tea while Lamunes
IV nuked it' incident not withstanding, of course."
	"I still don't know how you wound up on Tea when you were only
getting up from your bed to use the bathroom," Pesti-chan sighed,
shaking his head.
	Desolation gave him the V-sign. "Daijobu! If I've been able to
stay with you guys for this long and not get smited, it must mean my Wu
aura's gone! No more pointless pain and suffering for me!"
	Abruptly a head peered around the doorway. "Ohayo, Desolation!"
sang volunteer Nurse Minako. "I get to be your massage therapist today!"

Desolation: o.O "A-Ano...."

Nurse Minako: ^-^ [happily wheeling Desolation's bed out of the room]
"Now I've only done acupuncture once, and that was on a dummy, but how
hard could it be?"

Desolation: [frantically holding onto the doorframe] "Curse our author!
Curse him!!"

	"Well, so much for that theory," Dark Mayhem said.
	"Mph," came the muffled voice of Chaos from beneath the body cast.
	An evil grin appeared on Dark Mayhem's face. He leaned over and
quietly inquired into Chaos' ear, "So, while you actually had Beans tied
down and at your mercy, did you even bother to go out and steal her lake
god?"

Chaos:  ;_;  "......"


	[End...for now. MWA HA HAH HAH HAH HA!!!]


	Bean Wars 4-Ever was taped before an imaginary studio audience.



Greenbeans and Chaos would like to extend their many thanks to the
following co-conspirators:

	-Nightbreak for graciously letting us use Club Anipike (under
threat that we'd unleash the Chibi Naga clones on him if he refused),
not to mention having him reappear in a cameo role.
	-Havoc, who co-conspired with me that entire final scene of the
Bean Wars, where Chaos learns to never tempt fate lest it revert into
Red Queen mode and whip him silly.
	-Jelynne, for asking at the end of Bean Wars 3, "why of why didn't
Anarchy have Beans choose between the red & blue Sake?" That question
was just too damned funny to leave out.
	-Sean Gaffney, for suggesting Anarchy play the role of Nanami
(subsequently causing great fear in the Utena universe ^^)
	-Dark Day For Anime, who just had to write himself in as an Anime
deity vendor during a random Emailing session. Then again...can anyone
here picture him doing anything else but something as warped as that?
	-Sarcasm-hime, for contributing her little ranting segment to the
fic as we know it. Who says I don't give equal opportunity to overly
amorous females?
	-Riot & Mayhem, whose late-night ICQ smitefest resulted in the
creation of the ultimate counter-attack: Raging Pervert.



	[Cue an SD Nightbreak racing across the screen, armed with a
vacuum cleaner!]

SD Nightbreak-chan: ^^ "Ha ha! I have it! Bean's wind god from College
Life #17 shall be mine! All mine!!"

SD Beans-chan: "Do you guys even sleep at night?"






					OMAKE THEATRE!!!


Chaos: [awkwardly] "Ano...Beans? Can I ask you a hypothetical question?"

Beans: "Sure. What is it?"

Chaos: "Hypothetically speaking, what would you say if someone perhaps,
hypothetically, stole your lake god?"

Beans: [suspicious] "Then hypothetically I'd say that would be a bad
thing."

Chaos: "Suppose then, hypothetically speaking, that someone
hypothetically dropped their half-eaten, curried dim sum into the lake
god's aquarium?"

Beans: "That would hypothetically be even worse, and demand retaliation
on my part."

Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Okay...um, and--again, bear in mind this is purely
hypothetical--what would happen if that person somehow accidentally
flushed your lake god down the toilet?"

Beans: [darkly] "Why, that would mean instant death."

Chaos: ^^;; "Gotcha...good-bye!"

Beans: [grabbing hold of Chaos] "Hold it right there!!"

	[Beans suddenly pulls out a plunger and races for the fanboys'
bathroom!]

Beans: "Don't worry, I'll save you! Mame's comin'!"

Pesti: [emerging from the bathroom] "Oh, man! That's the last time we
ever let Mayhem make that curried dim sum dish. That stuff just goes
right through you! Oh...ohayo, Beans! You might not want to use the
bathroom right now. Not until the smell clears, at least."

Beans: [slowly turning to Chaos] "You...."

Chaos: [sweatdrop] "Now Beans, let's be rational about this."

Beans: [cue the evil demonic aura!] "YOU...."

Chaos: ^^;; "Anytime you want to end this Omake Theatre now would be
fine with me."


	[Endless....]