Return of the Hentai? [Cue SD versions of the two Bean Wars authors walking onto the screen, His lordship Chaos dressed up like Xellos from Slayers, and Greenbeans being dressed up like Ayanami Rei in a plugsuit.] Greenbeans: [waving] "Ohayo, minna-san! And welcome to the final installment of the Bean Wars." His lordship Chaos: "Indeed, it's a most unique relationship when the authors are such good friends and their avatar incarnations are such rivals. But this chapter of the Bean Wars will prove to be the biggest one yet, featuring...." Greenbeans: "Featuring...what? Come on, spit it out." His lordship Chaos: ^^ "Sore wa...himitsu desu!" Greenbeans: [facevaulting] "I just knew I shouldn't have let you dress up in that costume for the intro bit." His lordship Chaos: "But it's true. I'm not about to expose the shocking surprise ending we have in store for our readers." Greenbeans: [sigh!] "Granted I don't think this feud will ever end...but then again, whose fault is that?" [Greenbeans slowly turns to His lordship Chaos.] His lordship Chaos: "What are you so sore about?" Greenbeans: "The 'piano' incident comes to mind." His lordship Chaos: "Aw, that just happened to Beans the avatar, not Beans the author. Besides, I've been meaning to speak with you about your work in co-writing the Bean Wars." Greenbeans: "Oh, what? You had your fun with The Authors Must Be Crazy. I'm merely returning the favour." His lordship Chaos: "But the Bean Wars are completely, utterly, totally and without a doubt the most evil, conniving and demented thing I've read in a long time! Well, outside of the Fanboys anyways." Greenbeans: [unimpressed] "And your point is?" His lordship Chaos: [evil grin!] "And I like it! Did I ever tell you how sexy you are when you set out to abuse and torture my fanfic characters, Mame-chan? Ne!" [Cue an irate gang of SD fanboys suddenly pushing His lordship Chaos offscreen!] Chaos: "Okay, that's it! Intro's over!" Carnage: "What the hell kinda author are you, getting turned on at *our* expense?" Pesti: "One of you authors abusing us is bad enough, but we're not going to make it a conspiracy!" His lordship Chaos: "What about all those fanficfics?" Chaos & Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Ano...." Dark Mayhem: "Well I for one don't mind the Bean Wars--so long as I don't wind up getting lobbed through all those Animes." Havoc: [sigh!] "I just don't understand why Beans couldn't have held this grudge match in Planet Hentai's Jello wrestling pit. There's more than enough room for her and all the Senshi to create a lesbian sex pretzel with me." Carnage: "Sex pretzel this, you freak: MEGA BRAND!!!!" [Cue the gratuitous Cream Lemon explosion that wipes everyone off the obligatory intro. bit...except the authors!] His lordship Chaos ^^ "Ah, the joys of being the immortal author." Greenbeans: ^^ "And having an AT Field." Anarchy: [in the corner with a bottle of Sake] "Preach it!" [Cue the Bean Wars!] a long time ago, in a fanfic far, far away... [Fanboy's Note: John Williams refused to appear for this part- ranting some sort of nonsense about bathtubs crushing his timpanies, and Anarchy getting the entire strings section pissed drunk--so here's something else we threw together at the last minute instead.] Aika girls: [singing] "Don't touch Doji-boy! Ecchi Ecchi Doji-boy! Panty daiyo! Honto ni sukebe da!" Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! They're perving our song, Pu-chan!" Setsuna: "Not a chance, Havoc. Besides, I've already arranged an alternate dance partner for you." Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?" [Cue Minako!] Minako: [flinging herself at Havoc with the Yggdrasil jacket] "You're all mine tonight, Na-chan!" Havoc: o.O "Well, when the groping gets tough, the tough get groping." Carnage: [leaping onto the scene] "That doesn't make any sense at all, you perverted twit!" [Abruptly Minako crashes into Carnage, the two colliding into a dazed heap on the floor!] Havoc: ^-^ "And who says I can't plan these things?" Lord Chaos presents A Bean Goddess! production BEAN WARS 4-EVER!!! Chaos: ^-^ "They want me! They really really want me!" Pesti: "Chaos, they want you dead." Chaos: "Quit clouding the issue. Give me my Bean Wars!" [Cue the obligatory scrolling story lead-in bit!] The Bean Wars rages on, leaping from fanfic to Anime to game. Nothing has been left untouched (or unmolested) by the warring avatars, each one bent on keeping the lake god as their own personal mascot. Putting her FANGATE to use, Beans has catapulted Chaos into a barrage of strange and twisted worlds with the intent to break the little otaku permanently. However Chaos has proven to be incredibly resilient, surviving everything that quite literally gets thrown at him. Yes, once again as Beans finally thinks she has idiot-proofed her lake god, Chaos becomes a better IDIOT. Yet now the battle has reached its epic climax. And in a single scene, the question of who possesses the lake god will be decided once and for all.... * * * CLUB ANIPIKE The time: somewhere in this century...we think. The place was getting busy again as numerous avatars, Anime characters and authors showed up for their breaks. Some fics had already wrapped up filming for the night, with others comfortably reaching the end point. Jotarou found himself serving drinks and smacking a select few author avatar heads around in the midst of the midnight rush. However he seemed to be mildly enjoying himself as he slid the filled glasses across the counter. "The avatars are restless tonight," he stated to Misato as she passed in behind him. "You might want to watch yourself." "Have no fear!" Vash the Stampede exclaimed, striking a macho pose--and still managing to look like a complete idiot. "With me around, you have nothing to worry about!" He took a bold step forward...and promptly tripped over Japoro. The Shamanic Princess' guardian ferret wasn't very thrilled about the entire situation. "I still can't believe you piloted the BeBop into the no-fly EVA zone," Jet stated as he and Spike strolled through the front doors of the Anipike. "We could have had our engines taken out by a flying Volkswagen." Spike waved it aside. "What's to complain about? We got here in one piece, didn't we?" "Admit it, Spike: you just wanted to see if you could actually fly through that war zone." Jet couldn't help but give his patented lopsided grin. "You'd better be careful. After all, curiosity killed the catgirl." "The catgirl still has another eight lives to spend afterwards," Spike replied evenly. "You're no cat." "That doesn't mean I don't have nine lives." Jotarou already had their usual drinks ready, which the two bounty hunters took over to the pool tables with the intent to sucker in another poor schmuck to play a game. Luckily for them, Ataru Moroboshi was present--not to mention already getting suckered into giving all his money to the drool-worthy Faye Valentine. Misato nodded briefly to a table full of Sailor Earths, taking out a small device and quickly scanning the fuku-clad ladies. "Okay, you all check out," she announced, handing the group a set of menus. "Feel free to chase down any of our roving waiters when you're ready to order--just don't perform any attacks on them." "What's that?" the ruruoni Kenshin asked, motioning to the device. Abruptly Xellos popped up, grinning at the two of them. "Sore wa...himitsu desu!" From her place upon one of the bar stools, a 16 year-old Ruri-chan shook her head. "Baka." "Oh, this is a little something Gourry made for me," Misato said. "It's a Senshidex." Kenshin sweatdropped. "Oro?" Gourry-sensei: "A Senshidex." Misato: [recoiling in surprise] "Where'd you come from?!" Gourry-sensei, garbed in his black teacher's uniform, proceeded to give a quick multi-media lecture to the patrons in the club. "We all know of the Pokedex," he explained. "that little compact info-tech pad that gives you data on the different species of Pokemon you encounter. And there are over 150 of those Beanie Battle Babies out there too." He held his pointer at one of the screens; it changed images to reveal a large chart full of SD versions of countless Senshi. Fukus and bows were all over the place. Many of the people in the club gave a hushed "ooooh!" upon seeing it. Gourry continued: "Well, I suddenly realized that perhaps Club Anipike should have a Senshidex. After all, how many new and different Sailor Senshi incarnations have we seen? This little data unit tells you their powers, weaknesses, avatar potential, North American or Japanese backgrounds, and even the fanfics they're found in. It's now used by Misato to keep track of all the Senshi who come in." Misato tossed the Senshidex to Gourry-sensei to allow for a demonstration. Avoiding the already classified group of Sailor Earths, Gourry headed over to a table where two other Senshi were seated. "Onion: the mock Sailor," the Senshidex stated as it performed a scan. "Created by Greenbeans in a Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Orion parody, only recently has the existence of this Senshi been accepted, and not considered a hoax." Sailor Onion's eyebrow twitched as she heard a few muffled chuckles from the surrounding people. "Laugh it up, why don't you?" she growled. "Calm down," Sailor Artichoke said, placing a restraining hand on her comrade's shoulder. "At least we got our fic." "Ooooh! Gene!" Clamp's Miyuki-chan called out, racing towards the front door as the cast of Outlaw Star sauntered in. She leaped into Gene's arms. "You're late, Gene-chan." "Couldn't be helped; trying to find a decent parking spot that Gilliam would go for was hell," Gene Starwind replied, giving Miyuki- chan a warm hug. "Damn, I've missed you!" Jim Hawkings merely gave a disapproving scowl. "Get your hand off her ass, Gene." "Damn right," Sarcasm-hime stated emphatically, snagging Gene away from Miyuki-chan. "His hand should be on *my* ass!" Jotarou shook his head. "Looks like we've got another run-amok fangirl," he remarked dryly to Ruri-chan. "Daijobu," Ruri-chan said, taking a sip of her drink. "Sarcasm only goes after sexy rebellious guys and cute bishounen. You don't have anything to worry about." Jotarou stiffened, seemingly taking some offense at that. "Like I want to be called 'cute'," he growled. Sarcasm-hime paused next to a mysterious figure seated in one of the rear booths. "Give this to Beans when you see her," she said, tossing an envelope the woman's way. "Anarchy wishes to have a word with the mame before the whole 'Utena' scenario is played out." The woman nodded. "She'll get it." The two turned their heads as Lain (saucy bitch queen version) gave a loud indignant shriek, immediately pummeling an overly amorous Ryu and Ken into the jukebox. Suddenly who should come racing out of the bathroom but the three Clamp Campus detectives. However, Noboru wasn't really looking where he was going (having confused a woman's angered battle cry for a woman's cry of distress), and collided with Sarcasm. The elfgirl found herself at the bottom of a heap of overly cute and eternally smiling prepubescent boys. The sugar factor was too much for her to handle. Sarcasm: o.O "Too...damned...kawaii!" With a poof! of smoke, Sarcasm was reduced back to her miniature form of Herself the Elf. "Hpmh!" the Elf sighed, adjusting the bow in her long dark hair as she fluttered across the club. "Well, this just spoiled the mood." "So tell me," Quistis Trepe asked, sliding her glasses back up her nose with her middle finger. "What was it like being me for that Final Fanboy VIII segment?" Dominatrix Michelle sighed as she reclined in her booth. A contemplative look was taken at the ceiling before she spoke. "Unique, to say the least. I'm glad to say that we share the same taste in whips, though." That managed to catch Misato's attention as she passed by their table. "You were involved with the Bean Wars?" she asked. Michelle nodded. "Beans called me in as Dominatrix Michiru to replace Quistis here. Chaos wound up being Squall, and had to take the fire cavern test." "How did it work out?" Dominatrix Michelle chuckled, "Chaos had to use an ice buel when his pants caught fire." Everyone who was within earshot of that remark burst out laughing. "Sounds like Beans' revenge is going well," Quistis remarked, unable to conceal her grin. "I'm almost sorry I wasn't there to see it." "Hush, you," Xu said, seated beside Quistis. "You're already a major player in that FFVIII SeeDfic Greenbeans is doing." She turned to Sean, who sat next to her. "The fact that she based this charming guy off Gaffney the pervertedly-inclined author kind of frightens me, though." Quistis shrugged, glancing over to a happily burbling aquarium located behind the bar. "Regardless, I don't think Chaos will be trying to steal her lake god anytime soon." "Don't be so sure to count the fanboy out," Gourry-sensei cautioned, still fiddling with the Senshidex. "Chaos has proven himself to be a highly resilient idiot in the past. If my estimates are right, Beans has got one last chance to really break his brain before she runs out of ideas." Youji, still casually dressed from another Wei(kreuz fanfic, shook his head as he reclined between two beautiful women--namely the Wonderland twins, Cho-Li and To-Li. "This is Chaos we're talking about, the guy who wrote that dumb Mihoshi Tsukai Tai fic. How bad could he be?" He looked to MSTier and avatar, Samantha Misamoto, for support. "Ne, Samantha?" Samantha never said a word, her eyes slowly widening as her hand started to shake. Seconds later she crushed the beer can in her grip. "No comment," she said in a strangely distant voice, abruptly turning away. Just then, Nightbreak walked in through the Studio Anipike entrance, still dressed in his trenchcoat and shades from 'Quick & The Dead Moon Circus'. He ordered his usual drink of Captain Morrigan's Spiked Lime, and found a vacant stool for himself. "Have you heard them out there?" Nightbreak asked. "They're all exchanging stories from the Bean Wars: the Senshi, Bean Bandit, ChaCha and Riiya-kun, the Nekobus, Dr. Kadowaki...and even the Utena crew's gotten in on the action! Mitsuru and Shinobu have set up another betting pool too." He sighed wistfully as he stared at his glass o' Spiked Lime. "I want a lake god," he pined. "Why can't I have a lake god like the one Chaos and Beans fight over?" Jotarou snorted. "Why would you want that? It's brought both of those avatars nothing but trouble." "But it's such a cool idea to have a deity for a pet," Nightbreak said. "It's immortalized Beans, and Chaos is infamous for his failed attempts to get it for himself." He got off his stool, standing tall as the kana for "Ike! Ike!" scrolled in behind him. However, Ryoga wasn't looking where he was going, and promptly got smacked in the face by the roving words. "That's it, I'm no longer going to deny myself this. I'm going to get myself my own deity for a mascot!" Nightbreak proclaimed. "What about Suzaku?" Card Captor Sakura offered, modeling her latest costume change to the Clamp Campus detectives. Washu shook her head. "Nope. Protected under the endangered species act. It's illegal to own any of the four gods from Fushigi Yugi." "Hmmm," Nightbreak mused, puzzling it over. "There's not that many other Anime deities out there I can easily control. The question remains where to find one." Just then, the infamous Dark Day For Anime walked through the club with a glowing vendor's container strapped around him. "Lake gods! Get yer lake gods here!" he called out. "Comes in every flavor and religious persuasion. Lake gods! Lake gods! You want 'em, we got 'em!" Everyone: [sweatdrop!] "......" * * * In an elevator, silhouetted against a blue sky, a voice spoke: "If the egg's shell does not break, the chick will die without being born." The outline of Juri appeared, leaned up against the wall. "We are the chick; the egg is Chaos." The outline of Miki appeared opposite of Juri. "If Chaos does not break, we will die without being born." The outline of Touga appeared between them. "Break Chaos!" Touga proclaimed. "For the sake of revolutionizing the fanfic!" Juri and Touga announced with resolve together. REVOLUTIONARY FANBOY CHAOS "Wakaba, get offa me!" Chaos exclaimed. "This is not the time nor the place for--(o.O) Hello cold hands!" He recoiled in surprise, quickly inspecting his female uniform to ensure he hadn't been groped in any other rather precarious places. That served only as a very brief interlude, Wakaba pouncing on top of him yet again. "Utena-samaaaa!" she said. " Chaos frantically shook Wakaba off himself. "Look, I like a cute girl with no waist just as much as the next otaku," he said. "But the last thing I need right now is an overly amorous lesbian." He turned and stared majestically out across the campus, the kana for 'I am the very model of a modern major otaku' scrolling in behind him...and taking out a stunned Wakaba in the process. "You see," he said dramatically. "I know Beans is out there somewhere. And if I am to properly revolutionize the Bean Wars, I can do only thing. Ano...two things actually, but I don't think I'd be allowed to get pissed drunk on school grounds." However, unbeknownst to Chaos, Wakaba was having troubles of her own in trying to fight off the scrolling kana as it steadily pushed her down the hallway. "So then," the unwitting fanboy continued. "I must find Beans here on the school grounds, and challenge her to one epic smiting duel that will forever prove who the true champion of the Bean Wars is. And I shall not give up, no matter what that mame might do! It's my mission in life, and I am destined to fulfil it by stealing the lake god once and for all. This must devote my total focus, so Rule 3 will just have to wait until later. You understand, ne, Wakaba? Wakaba?" Chaos turned around, only to see a deserted hallway. Somewhere down the corridor, a lone tumbleweed rolled by. "They always leave right when I get to the good part too," Chaos lamented, smacking aside his ensuing sweatdrop. Randomly chosen student: "Look out! Runaway bull!" Chaos: ^^ "Hm?" [Cue the rampaging bull charging down the hallway!] Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAA!! TASUKETEEEE!!!" And so to protect himself from the brutish horned bovine, Chaos valiantly flung himself out the window...which happened to be located on the third floor of the school. "Stupid bull," he muttered, shakily climbing out from the Chaos- shaped hole in the sidewalk. "That thing's supposed to chase after Nanami, not me. This must be *her* doing." He leapt to his feet, waving his fist at the skies above. "Curse you, Beans! You shall rue the day you caused unsightly wrinkles on my skirt!" Suddenly he was pulled into an alcove. The hand that grabbed him released him as soon as they were both well secluded in the shadows. Chaos' eyes narrowed as he saw who had snagged him. "Beans! What are you doing here?" His arch-nemesis gave an evil smirk. "I'm here to revolutionize the fanfic," she replied. "What are you babbling on about?" Chaos grumbled, a sweatdrop appearing next to his head. "Talk about your delusions of grandeur, Beans. You can't handle the lake god, which is why *I* shall revolutionize the Bean Wars!" "Look out!" a student's voice shouted from across the quad. "Run away boxing kangaroo!" With an innocent smile on his face, Chaos curiously turned around to see what all the commotion was...and promptly got an uppercut to the face. Beans stepped back as the boxing kangaroo hopped all around Chaos, delivering a series of knock-out blows. Yet compared to what usually happened to him in any given fic, this only invoked Chaos' ire. "Oh yeah? Oh yeah?!" he exclaimed angrily. "Well if you've got silver boxing gloves, then I've got shining fingers!!" Chaos's triumphant expression fizzled. "I just used a line from G Gundam, didn't I?" Beans winced and nodded. "Oh, I feel so violated now," Chaos lamented. "I have to go take a shower." The boxing kangaroo decided to help Chaos out by smacking him with its tail, sending the frantic otaku crashing into a nearby fountain. "That was uncalled for!" an irate SD Chaos snapped, splashing around in the water. He pouted and crossed his arms. "Well I hope you're happy now; you've ruined my mascara." Beans motioned for the kangaroo to depart, and then closed the gap between the two avatars. "You think it's merely coincidence that I showed up here? I have chosen an Anime in which I can finally defeat you. Would you like to know how?" Chaos: [with kawaii kitty ears] "Could you give me a second? I have to wring out my tail." Beans grabbed him by the collar and hoisted him up. She then pointed down to the water. "Look," she instructed. When Chaos looked at his reflection in the water, pink hair and wide blue eyes greeted him. He gawked. "Masaka!" he said. "You turned this fountain into a Jusenkyo Spring of Drowned Girl! Now I'm stuck in female form even if I use the henshin...though either way, my breasts are still more ample than yours." Rolling her eyes in exasperation, Beans unceremoniously dropped Chaos back into the water. "Baka. You're not just any ordinary girl here, Chaos. You're Utena!" "Oh yeah, forgot about that," Chaos remarked, spitting out some water. "That certainly explains why Wakaba was clinging to me like a cheongsam on Yohko's body." Beans smirked again and held up the Remote Control of the gods. A black attachment on the back was being held on by electrical tape. "You insert yourself as an actual Anime character with the remote, so can I." "I must say I'm a rather attractive duelist," Chaos said with a smile, posing to see his reflection. "Oh course, this begs the question what I'd look like if I turned into Sailor Haley while I was Utena." "Oh, it gets even better than that," Beans added. She pulled him over to the water again to see her own reflection. A head of large orange curls came into view. "I've taken over the role of Juri. We can see each other as we truly are--but everyone else sees you as the supposed heroine of this series, and me as one of the Student Council members." Chaos warily took a step away from Beans. "You are aware of whose picture is in your pendant, right?" He paused in consideration. "Probably Haruka's picture...or maybe Quistis' instead." "Hush!" Beans clipped him on the back of the head. "This is early in the Utena continuity. Juri and Utena's duel is tomorrow, so you have that long to kiss your fanboy hide goodbye. Ja ne!" She left chuckling to herself. "Who's she kidding?" Chaos remarked, trying to dry off his soaked boy's uniform and girl's skirt combination. "I may not have taken a fencing lesson before in my life, but I can handle something as amateur as the Utena universe." Randomly chosen student: "Look out! Runaway Akio car!" Chaos: [to himself] "Runaway Akio car? I don't recall that ever showing up this early in the series. And I thought Carnage stomped on that thing a long time ago too." [Cue the berserk Akio car, clearing the hedges and swerving right for Chaos!] Akio Car: *HONK!* Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" * * * But what of Chaos' friends? Surely the other fanboys must have noticed by now that something was awry and were at this very minute orchestrating a daring yet ingenious rescue operation! Yes, everyone was most certainly putting aside their differences and rallying together to save a friend and fellow otaku! [Cue the SD Pesti-chans playing poker in kawaii frilly aprons.] SD Pesti #6: "You got any...(--;;) Goldeens?" SD Pesti #1: [sigh!] "Go fish." [SD Pesti #6 reaches into a pile of Pokeballs and draws one out.] Hysteria: "Ooooh! It's Hysteria's kawaii little turn-chan now! Ano... does Pesti-poppa #4 have any kawaii little Lapis-chans?" SD Pesti #4: o.O [frantic] "What? What?! What's going on?" SD Pesti #5: [looking at #4's cards] "No, he doesn't. Go fish." Hysteria: [suspicious] "You're bluffing-chan!" SD Pesti #6: "You can't bluff in a game of Go Pokefish! Just how the [beep!] did we get stuck playing with her anyways?" [SD Pesti #6 slowly turns to SD Pesti #3] SD Pesti #6: "And would you stop playing with those panties instead of the cards?!" SD Pest #3: "Why? This is more fun." SD Pesti #2: [playing chess with Dark Mayhem] "Kids." Dark Mayhem: "Checkmate." SD Pesti #2: --;; "Bastard." Dark Mayhem: ^^ "Damn right! Ami-chan, to the jacuzzi!" Ooooor, maybe they weren't. * * * Beans scurried across the quad, uncertain about who was wanting to meet her. The letter in her hands bore the signature of Nanami Kiryuu, but as far as she could recall Nanami wasn't a part of the Juri vs. Utena story arc. Even more puzzling was the fact that this had been sent via courier from Sarcasm-hime. The importance of such a notice was evident. This was more than merely revolutionizing the world; the entire Bean Wars was at stake. Medium rare, to be exact. But we're not going to get into cooking sauces right now. Heading into the elevator that led up to the student council chambers, Beans wondered how Ophelia was faring. This seemed fair compensation for her fellow author copping out on the Greenwood part. With a slight shudder the elevator came to a stop. Beans got out, only to find the student council room deserted. There was a grand view of the entire campus grounds from this vantage point, but it was a little disconcerting to be the only one around. She took a few hesitant steps into the room. "Moshi moshi?" she called out. "Anyone here?" Then she saw a large armchair facing the scenery of Ohtori Academy. Not to mention stacks of empty Sake bottles piled up on one side of the wall. And an absolutely sloshed Tasuki snoring away on a table, loosely gripping his halissen in one hand. "Anarchy?" Beans ventured, approaching the armchair. A hand extended from where it laid on the armrest, motioning for Beans to come closer. Upon standing next to the chair and its occupant, Beans found herself at a near loss for words. Anarchy was dressed up in the student council member's uniform that Nanami would eventually take up (this event to happen once Touga's brain turned to soggy ramen noodles after he lost a duel to Utena.) Beans could hardly contain her surprise--or the chill that went down her spine. "You're Nanami?" she asked. Anarchy smirked, reclining back in her armchair. "You were expecting me to play the part of that Mitsuru Tsuwabuki lackey? For shame, Beans. I feel a certain bond with this Nanami character; kindred spirits if you will. She's evil, ruthless, and an all-around conniving demoness. I rather like this girl; she reminds me of me--minus the ditzy, comic relief side." Beans nervously nodded her head in agreement. The mere thought of someone like Anarchy finding a kindred spirit was rather disturbing. Anarchy motioned to a vacant armchair next to hers. "Please, sit." Once Beans sat down, the two female avatars got down to business. "I can imagine you feel a little like Miyuki-chan, tumbling down the skateboarding bunny-girl's hole," Anarchy said. "Let me tell you why you're here, Beans. You're here because you know something, something which has been plaguing you. You're haunted by this day and night in College Life; it's always there, like an ill-conceived plotline lurking in the back of your mind, driving you mad. Do you know what I am talking about?" "Chaos," Beans replied sourly. Anarchy nodded. "It is this paranoia about him that originally brought you to me." She pulled out the hard copies of Bean Wars 2&3. "I've been tracking your progress in the Bean Wars. You've shown adaptation and improvisation with each scene that has unfolded thus far, which is commendable. "But your problem does not lie in your technique. Your underlying weakness is that while you have trapped Chaos within the rules of other Animes...you still apply those rules to yourself. A true author avatar would not do that; they bend if not break whatever rules they please." A sweatdrop appeared next to Beans' head. "I'm not being evil enough?" "Sadly, this is what I'm seeing," Anarchy replied. "Chaos' brain is a black hole for stupidity. A mere tapping on his shoulder won't clue him in; you have club him rather viciously with the nearest 1000t mallet you can find." Beans sulked. "Don't I know it. How that twit ever managed to survive the FFVIII segment is beyond me." That remark caused Anarchy to grin. She pulled out two bottles filled to the brim with Sake, one bottle colored blue and the other colored red. Beans gave Anarchy a questioning look. "Now then," Anarchy stated. "What I'm offering you is a choice: drink the Sake in the blue bottle, and this all goes away. You go back to your happy world in College Life...until Chaos returns once more. You drink the Sake in the red bottle, and I show you how far down the bunny- girl's hole goes. Only then will you realize your true Dark side of the Fic potential. Perhaps even to the point of letting you slip into Red Queen mode." "How about we just skip that last part," Beans suggested, her face getting a little flustered at the thought of herself appearing in tight revealing leather, fishnet stockings, and a tickle whip. [Cue the official Bean Wars authors' note exchange!] Greenbeans: *Why did you even have to bring up that image of Red Queen Beans?!* His lordship Chaos: ^^ *Because I thought it'd be fun* Greenbeans --;; *Sukebe* His lordship Chaos: *Comes from hanging out with Havoc; after a while, hentai just becomes an instinctive reflex* Hentenno-sama: ^-^ *Hotcha!* Greenbeans: O.o *I sense a draft...HAVOC!!* Anyhoo.... Anarchy remained solemn as she spoke, which was an impressive feat given how flushed her cheeks were from having polished off all those other bottles of Sake. "This is your last chance to get him with my help, Beans. After this, you're on your own." Hesitantly, Beans started to reach for one of the two bottles. "Remember," Anarchy added. "All I'm offering you is the chance to smite Chaos permanently. Nothing more." Beans took a long, hard look at the two bottles of Sake placed before her. Then with great resolve she grabbed the red bottle and took a hard swig of its contents. Her face made a really interesting expression, eyebrows twitching from the taste. "Damn!" she exclaimed. "That stuff's got a real kick to it." "Doesn't it though?" Anarchy said with an evil smile. "I'm glad you chose that one. Follow me." She led Beans back to the elevator, and from there towards one of the training dojos scattered around the campus grounds. "The bottles of Sake held the personalities of two different Utena characters," the fangirl explained. "If you had drank from the blue bottle, you would have taken on Miki's rather pathetic fighting skills and wussy personality. However, in drinking from the red bottle, you have now acquired Juri's fencing powers--and a wonderfully bitchy personality too, I might add." Beans sweatdropped. "Um, Touga's the redhead. Juri's hair is more of an orange." Anarchy rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Do you want to kick Chaos' ass or what?" "Point taken." * * * PLANET HENTAI 4:15pm All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy All fic and no hentai makes Havoc a dull Doji Boy Havoc-kun, Charon and Havoc-chan were leisurely sitting back in one of Planet Hentai's booths. Not much was happening in the club at the moment; given a few hours, the lemon factor would prick--er, pick up. Dark Mayhem: "It appears our author's Freudian slip is showing again." Carnage: --;; "I wonder what Greenbeans had to say about that double entendre when she saw it." Dark Mayhem: "Odds are she just denied ever seeing it, and holds our author personally responsible for any negative backlash." "Quiet day today, ne?" Havoc-kun remarked idly. Charon and Havoc-chan nodded. "Hai." "Very relaxing," Havoc-kun added. Charon and Havoc-chan nodded. "Hai." Suddenly a loud whoosh! of air was heard. Charon and Havoc-kun glanced over to their left, just in time to see Minako's arms reach over the booth and yank Havoc-chan away. The Hentenno and his Ecchi-chan protege returned to staring leisurely at Planet Hentai's dance floor. "Quiet day today, ne?" Havoc- kun remarked idly. Charon nodded. "Hai." "Very relaxing," Havoc-kun added. Charon nodded. "Hai." * * * The school day was coming to an end, and Chaos was finding himself absolutely lost. First off, he couldn't find the East Hall where Utena was supposed to be residing. The fact that 'Utena' had been challenged by the high school boy's basketball team (yet again) didn't help much either. He had put on a fine performance, wowing the student audience by managing to somehow slam dunk his butt right into the hoop. It had taken a good half hour before the janitor could get him out. And then there had been the hordes of adoring young ladies clamoring for his affections. Naturally Chaos was not about to rob himself of getting his ego stroked, and happily welcomed them with open arms...right until, in their overly-amorous frenzy, the girls got into a vicious tug of war over him. Now with his arms and legs at least five inches longer than they were at the start of this fic, Chaos walked across the quad. He scratched his head, and looked back to Desolation for help. "One of your maps would be rather handy right about now," he said. Absently strolling along down the path, and subsequently walking right into a hedge, Desolation fished through his pan-dimensional backpak. "Hang on; I just hope they didn't all get burned up during that battle between Shogo and Karen Kasumi." Desolation reverted into an SD sulking mode. "It never fails; the *one* bullet train I decide to take winds up getting commandeered and then blown up by end-of-the-world harbingers!" The lost fanboy managed to locate something and happily pulled it out. He consulted his map...which consisted of a very large red X, and the words "You are not here" written on it. Desolation: [sweatdrop!] "......" Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "Just where the hell do you get your maps from anyways?" "Gomen nasai," Desolation sighed. "It's hard to get good maps when you're being blown away every two minutes." Chaos pondered that. "Getting blown away, as in by the wind, or as in vicious bodily smitings?" "Both." "Well, there's no need to worry!" Chaos stated. "With me around, what harm could possibly befall you?" Yet another randomly chosen student: "Look out! Runaway horse!" Chaos: "Ne, Desolation, could you just stand over there for a moment?" Desolation: ^^ "Sure! Why?" [Cue the runaway horse that starts charging towards Chaos--and then pauses before stampeding after Desolation!] Desolation: [groan!] "Again with the runaway horses! Can't they be a little more creative?" [Cue the oversized Babbit which falls from the sky and crushes Desolation!] Desolation: [from beneath the uber-Babbit] "Ah...much better." And with the danger out of the way, Chaos jaunted down one of the pathways, hoping to at last find the dorm residence where he could crash for the night. However, he found someone waiting beside one of the school buildings. "Komban wa, Chaos," Anarchy remarked. Chaos paled, especially when he noticed the uniform she was wearing. "Anarchy?! You...you're Nanami?" Anarchy grinned. "Appropriate, don't you think?" "It's like a Cosplay from hell," Chaos said, sweatdropping. He then broke into a wide grin. "Hey, wait a minute! All the bad things happen to Nanami! You're supposed to get chased by runaway animals--and then there's that big mindfuck episode with the pink ninja elephants!" "My poor, deluded sibling," Anarchy sighed, shaking her head. "Have you forgotten who's the 100-pure avatar here? I can alter *any* Anime series I so desire." Chaos: o.O;; [Cue the pink ninja elephants flanking Anarchy!] Anarchy: [giggling & pointing to Chaos] "Tee hee! Destroy him." And so as the sun slowly set on Ohtori Academy, the distant silhouette of a terrified SD Chaos could be seen racing across the quad, followed closely by the surprisingly nimble silhouettes of the pink ninja elephants. Moments later Chaos' silhouette could be seen getting booted right across the campus. Fortunately, the old senile bat of a truant officer nicely broke the Chaos' fall. Chaos: [dusting himself off] "Arigato! You actually serve a purpose other than mild comic relief after all." Truant woman: x_x "I think I'm up to three unfiltered packs a day, thanks to this student." * * * [Cue the Shadow playgirls intermission!] Shadow Play girl A-ko: [she's the one with a hair ribbon] "Did you hear? Did you hear?" Shadow Play girl B-ko: [excitedly jumping up & down] "Someone got an invitation! Someone got an invitation!" Shadow Play girl A-ko: [putting a hand to her forehead] "Oh, what is a woman like me supposed to do?" Shadow Play girl B-ko: [shrugging] "You could always decline." Shadow Play girl A-ko: [aghast] "But then I wouldn't have the chance to play dress-up and wear lipstick!" Shadow Play girl B-ko: "Then how about you try going as something else?" Shadow Play girl A-ko: [lament!] "But what else is there for me to go as?" Shadow Play girl B-ko: "You could always go as me!" [Cue the shadow puppet of Havoc!] Shadow Perv Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! Now these are what I call shadow boxers!" Shadow Play girl B-ko: [sensing a draft] "Hey, those are my woolen panties! Give them back--all three pairs of them!" Shadow Play girl A-ko: [indignant] "That's the second time this afternoon he's done that." Shadow Play girl C-ko: ^-^ [bounding onto the scene] "Oooh, A-ko! Let's go out and have a picnic lunch! I made it myself, and this time I'm sure I got the recipe right!" Shadow Play girl A-ko: [erk!] "A-Ano...." Shadow Play girl B-ko: [ripping off her shadow dress to reveal a shadow hardsuit] "How dare you monopolize *my* cute Shadow C-ko! Akigayama Missiles!!" * * * Chaos put his ear against the door of the room Utena and Anthy shared, carefully listening for any suspicious sounds. He wasn't sure those psychotic ninja elephants were still after him. At least Anthy was something to look forward to...so long as she didn't cook that killer curry dish. With any luck, she'd be extra kind to him tonight before he engaged in avatar-fu with Beans tomorrow. Taking a deep breath and then opening the door, Chaos stood tall in the frame. "Have no fear!" he boldly stated. "Chaos is here!" [Silence....] Scrolling wind kana: *hwoooooooo* Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "......" The first thing he noticed upon entering was that it wasn't Chu- Chu sitting on the table eating. Instead, it was an all too familiar stony face. Christabel: "Evenin'." Chaos: --;; "You again?" "I could get used to this role," Christabel said, stuffing another cookie into her mouth. "I don't believe this," Chaos groaned, massaging his temples. "First you show up as a less than impressive Ifrit, and now this? I have seriously got to talk to Beans about her casting skills." Yet what Chaos didn't notice was Ophelia walking up behind him and tapping him on the shoulder. And this being Chaos, he naturally freaked and suavely leapt into the air with a shriek. "Sorry, but you were blocking the door," Ophelia said, smiling kindly as she watched him cling to the chandelier. She then scooted into the room, taking a seat next to Christabel. Chaos' kawaii kitty ears popped up as he reverted into a teary SD mode. "Wait a minute! You're Anthy?! Now I'll never get any fanservice." "Damn straight," Ophelia shot back. "Besides, our roles were the only thing that worked out well for Christabel and myself. As you can see, my gargoyle's a natural for the part!" She sighed long-sufferingly at the gluttonous gargoyle. "Now, if I could only convince her that Chu-Chu doesn't do sarcasm...." Christabel chuckled evilly. Ophelia sighed again. "I never get any good breaks." "The only break I got in this fic was when those pink ninja elephants chased me into a china shop," Chaos said darkly. "Now I'm stuck with porcelain shards down my skirt and an eighty thousand yen damages bill." He released his talon-like grip on the chandelier, and neatly plummeted headfirst onto the table. There was an awkward silence in the dorm room over the course of the evening, punctured more often than not by Christabel's incessant snacking. Ophelia tried to get some reading done, while Chaos furiously typed away on his laptop. Ophelia: "What are you working on?" Chaos: ^-^ "My newest Chaosfic: Trigundam Wing!" Ophelia promptly clobbered him. "Hey!" the fanboy exclaimed, rubbing the oversized bump sticking out from his hair. "What was that for?!" "Nothing," Ophelia replied evenly. "Just getting an early start before the angry mob shows up." Chaos crossed his arms over his chest. "You're just jealous because I created that Variable Geobreeders idea before you did. I happen to think the idea of big-bosomed AI programs who take the form of wrestling, nekojin waitresses holds a lot of merit!" And Ophelia would have surely driven the Nekobus repeatedly over him had there not been a knock at the door. Ophelia headed over to the door, wondering who would even bother showing up here. Beans was probably psyching herself up for tomorrow's fanboy demolition derby, and barely anyone else knew they were here. No one was in the hallway, but there was a large and fancy package addressed to Chaos. Not exactly taking into consideration who in Ohtori Academy actually knew he was playing Utena, Chaos happily opened the package and pulled out the gift in question...which happened to be a large, inverted, tulip-shaped cowbell. It came complete with sky blue tint, gold trim, and clattering bell. Chaos: [teary Bambi eyes!] "It's a fancy necklace! This'll go great with my black evening gown." Ophelia: [sweatdrop!] "Um, Chaos? That's not a necklace." Christabel: "Either way, he'll still be the talk of Tokyo at the end of the evening." Chaos beamed, putting the ornament around his neck. "And it's got a Sebastian Dior label too, the most elite designer brand in the Utena universe--and purveyor to the British royal family too." "You don't say," Christabel remarked, oh so impressed. "I'm probably the last person who should be telling you this," Ophelia said hesitantly. "But that's a Koushi-chan Dior label, not a Sebastian Dior label." Chaos turned his head, the cowbell clanging noisily from the movement. "What are you saying?" Ophelia: "Chaos, koushi means 'calf'. That's the Cowbell of Happiness you're wearing." Chaos: o.O [blink blink!] "Aha haaaaaaa...I knew that," he replied amidst nervous laughter. "This must be decoration for the cows I use in my smites. Daijobu, Ophelia, I shall simply remove this, and...and...." His voice trailed off as he tried to remove the cowbell. This proved to be a rather futile effort however, even when he used the acetylene torch. The gargoyle yanked the cowbell in for a closer inspection, clothes-lining Chaos in the process. "Looks like someone superglued the collar." Chaos: o.O "WHAT?!" "She's not kidding," Ophelia agreed. "That thing's sealed around your neck." "Shimatta!" Chaos exclaimed, wrestling with the cowbell. "If I keep wearing this, I'll eventually turn into a cow like Nanami did! What twisted fiend would send me something like this?" "Hey, there's a note here," Christabel piped up, removing a slip of paper from the box the cowbell had come in. "'To my dearest Utena, from Juri'." A sweatdrop appeared next to Ophelia's face. "I had no idea she could be this vicious." "Damn you, Beans--moo!" Chaos shouted out the dorm room window. "Damn you!" [Cue a super-deformed...Sarcasm-hime popping up and taking over the Bean Wars?] SD Sarcasm-chan: ^^ "Ohayo! Today we're here to talk about Sarcasm-hime's techniques for seducing anime men!" SD Chaos-chan: [racing onto the rant] "What is this? We were supposed to explain the how's and why's of the Cowbell of Happiness. What happened to 'Ask Mister Uber Exploder Wizard'?!" SD Sarcasm-chan: "I told Darshu to take a break with Arshes Nei. He didn't object much." SD Chaos-chan: --;; "Stupid demon sorcerers...think they can do whatever they want just because they can blow up a countryside." SD Dark Schnieder-chan: [off in the distance] "I heard that. MEGADETH!!!" SD Chaos-chan: o.O "KYAAAAAAAA!!!" [Chaos is abruptly scorched by a fireball!] SD Sarcasm-chan: "As we have seen many a time, anime men often run away from the girls who love them the most, while going after sweet, brainless ninnies or sexpots. Examples: Carrot Glaces, Hotohori, Maze-kun, Ryo Saeba, Akito Tenkawa...." SD Chaos-chan: [sweatdrop!] "That's a pretty extensive list." SD Sarcasm-chan: "Studying Anime guys is my hobby." SD Chaos-chan: "Sarcasm, you don't have a job in this fic! You're a fangirl!" SD Sarcasm-chan: "Excuse me, but I said studying them was my hobby. My job is what happens afterwards in the bedroom, where I--" SD Chaos-chan: >.< "I don't wanna hear about it!" SD Sarcasm-chan: "As I was saying, since a number of these guys are total pervs who are--totally against type--running AWAY from potential nookie, we can only assume this is because they'd rather chase than be chased. So how to get around this problem? Simple! It may be somewhat unpalatable for the more independent and bossy of us, but it can sometimes be necessary in order to get the bishounen of your dreams without having to resort to lassoing and hog-tying him...unless, of course, that's what you're into (^_~)." SD Chaos-chan: [blush!] "......" SD Sarcasm-chan: "What's with you?" SD Chaos-chan: "A-Ano...." SD Sarcasm-chan: "Hotaru handcuffed you to the toilet again last night, didn't she?" SD Chaos-chan: [with his kawaii kitty ears] "*Sniffle!* Well, at least she used the fuzzy handcuffs this time. They don't leave as much of a mark." SD Sarcasm-chan: "See? This is what I'm talking about to all you potential fangirls out there! Whipping them into submission can be fun, but ya gotta admit that sometimes it just spoils the mood. So what to do with those old-fashioned guys that just can't handle an assertive woman? Ok, an assertive yaoi too...I'm an equal opportunity hentai." SD Chaos-chan: --;; [groan!] "I don't believe this." SD Havoc-chan: "Now do you see what I have to work with every Thursday night at the Planet Hentai! Not a nekkid babe in sight; it's all bishounen! Where's the Rule 3, I ask you?!" SD Chaos-chan: [punting Havoc] "I do not need you of all otaku agreeing with me, Havoc!!" SD Sarcasm-chan: [clobbering Chaos with a Zanba spatula] "Finished yet?" SD Chaos-chan: @_@ "Hai...." SD Sarcasm-chan: "Where was I? Oh yes: how to deal with those cute Anime guys who just can't handle an assertive woman. I call it the Miaka solution. Play the shy, sweet and cute little debutante and flatter their big manly protective ego, letting them think they're the one doing the seducing...at least until you get them into bed. Then break out the handcuffs and whipped cream! Woohoo!" SD Hotohori-chan: O.o "Waitasec! I thought you were the *good* Miaka!" SD Sarcasm-chan: ^^ "Think again, Hoto-kun! That was just a clever ploy- -I threw the REAL Miaka down a well! And now I'm gonna rock your world!" [Sarcasm-hime pounces on Hotohori!] SD Chaos-chan: [argh!] "I'm surrounded by perverts." SD Havoc-chan: ^^ "You rang my bell?" SD Chaos-chan: [irate oversized head mode!] "YOU STAY OUTTA THIS!!" [End of the Sarcasm ranting segment.] * * * Back at the apartment of the fanboys, things were surprisingly quiet. Yes indeed, the absence of Chaos allowed the rest of the cast to do their own things in peace and quiet. Namely, watch Anime. From where they sat on the couch, Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan glanced over their shoulders as a loud explosion shook the apartment. A short time later, Carnage wordlessly emerged from his room, hair burnt and standing in all directions, his clothes torched and neatly smoldering. He walked over to a chalkboard set up in the kitchen. On it was the equation: Omega Drive + internal Tulip Boson Jump Carnage promptly crossed it off the board. "Escafanboy still giving you trouble?" Dark Mayhem asked. "More than I'd like to admit," Carnage sighed, flopping down on one of the armchairs. "Blowing shit up is one thing; finding the right mecha to do it with is the problem." "Words to smite by," Pesti-chan glibly remarked. Just then the doorbell rang. "I'll get it," he volunteered. "But if it's another one of those SPCAM guys, I'm letting Hysteria answer it instead." "Do you see either of us trying to stop you?" Carnage replied evenly. Pesti-chan walked over to the front entry, and then froze upon opening the door and seeing who was in the hallway. Chibiusa: ^^ "Hi!" Pesti: o.O;; The front door: *SLAM!* Pesti-chan put his back to the door in the hopes of temporarily barricading it. "Carnage, it's for you!" he called out. A few moments later, the front door opened for Chibiusa again. Chibiusa: ^^ "Oha...yo?" Carnage: >) [with Buster Bomb] "Pink sugar this, Yamhead." Two minutes and twelve hundred megatons of thermonuclear mass destruction later found the trio of fanboys happily relaxing once more on the couch as they watched the latest Anime acquisition. Abruptly their big-screen TV flickered, the image lost in static and snow. "What the hell?" Dark Mayhem muttered, getting up and smacking the side of the television set. Then the entire apartment rippled as if going out of focus, lines of static appearing in random streaks. The fanboys recoiled in super- deformed surprise. As abrupt as the anomaly had occurred, the apartment returned to its normal state. "Ooookaaaaay," Pesti-chan said slowly as he reassembled himselves. "That was kinda creepy." Suddenly half the apartment completely vanished, a large nullified sliver left, letting the fanboys gaze right across the street. Carnage leaped back from the edge, hissing his extreme displeasure. "What the hell is this?!" "Maybe it's a residual effect from the Yamhead's presence in our series," Dark Mayhem suggested, carefully heading towards the computer. "The fic is purging itself from all that she tainted." "Our author coulda warned us first," Carnage said. Abruptly the apartment was whole again. Pesti-chan leaned over the side where half their living room had vanished, tapping the floor to ensure it was still there. "It's...solid," he said, unsure what to make of this development. "Think that fic glitch is over?" "Hardly," Dark Mayhem countered, staring out the window. "You guys had better take a look at this." The three fanboys stepped out onto the balcony, eyes widening as they saw an enormous lightening storm overtake the distant Tokyo cityscape. Districts were flickering in and out of existence. A roving Valkyrie was blown apart by a random bolt of energy that exploded from the skies above. Dark Mayhem: [venturing a guess] "'Oh, the humanity', Carnage?" Carnage: "Ha! You wish; that was that weenie Rick's Valkyrie." "Shimatta," Pesti-chan said quietly. He turned to Carnage. "Carnage, what the hell did you do with that Omega Drive?" Carnage scowled. "Excuse me, but I take credit when I level a continent; this isn't my work. Could this be a Yggdrasil bug singularity?" Pesti-chan shook his head. "The singularity in F5! was never this bad. This is something else." Dark Mayhem headed for the computer, quickly accessing their series' database system. A few seconds later he found the problem. "Some kind of paradox is taking hold within the fanfic. The Magi, Navi, BEAST and Washu's personal scientific homepage are all registering some sort of shockwave heading this way." The uber exploder otaku's fingers were a blur on the keyboard. "According to the data, this thing originates from...the Utena universe?" "What the hell did we ever do there?" Carnage said. He scowled. "Don't tell me Havoc's trying to revolutionize the Planet Hentai again." Dark Mayhem shook his head. "No, this is something different. The Utena continuity's being destroyed, and it's taking out the Sailor Moon world in the process." One of his eyebrows lifted up as an explanation was given on the screen. "It's the Bean Wars," he stated. "Beans is decked out as Juri, and Chaos got stuck as Utena. She intends to destroy Chaos in their next duel." "But...Utena never lost a match against Juri," Pesti-chan said. Dark Mayhem scowled. "That's where the continuity's being threatened. The writers of Utena are the same writers of the S season of Sailor Moon; if Beans destroys the Utena series, it'll backwash into Sailor Moon. Any fanfic based in or after the S season will inevitably be destroyed--including ours. It's a domino effect: one goes down, and it soon takes everything else with it." Pesti-chan groaned. "And all this because Chaos couldn't keep his hands off Beans' lake god." "Hai hai," Dark Mayhem agreed, typing away. "Funny how I always thought that the world would end with Chaos doing something right for a change." He scanned the screen again. "Looks like we've got maybe six hours before our fic is annihilated." "Then what are we waiting for?" Carnage said, pulling out his Zanba sword. "Let's go stop the Bean Wars--and then kick Chaos' ass for nearly blowing us up!" Hysteria: [excited li'l fangirl!] "Oooh! Can kawaii little Hysteria-chan come to?" Carnage & Pesti: "NO!" Hysteria: [throwing a kawaii li'l hissy fit-chan] "Waaaah! Everyone's so mean to poor kawaii little Hysteria-chan!" "Hang on, Carnage," Dark Mayhem said quietly, taking the mecha otaku aside. "I think we should bring her." "Been victim of one too many kawaii tea parties, have we?" Pesti- chan inquired dryly. Dark Mayhem glanced over at the uberkawaii fangirl. "Look, if Beans really does have it in for Chaos, that place will be locked up tighter than Marlemeiya's underground fortress in the Endless Waltz OVAs." Carnage looked at Hysteria. "A distraction?" Dark Mayhem nodded. "She does make the perfect decoy: dangerous, stupid and expendable." Carnage: "Okay, Hysteria, you can come." Hysteria: ^^ "Hai, Carnage-poppa!" Carnage: [twitch!] "And stop calling me your poppa!" Pesti: [eye roll] "Twit." Hysteria: ^^ "Hai, Pesti-poppa!" Pesti: --;; "Are we absolutely certain she has to come along?" Dark Mayhem: "We have no idea what kind of security Beans has placed around her Utena arc. And I'd prefer not to come back here with even more repair bills charged to our account...courtesy of you, Carnage." Carnage: [sincere smile!] "Daijobu. I'm an expert when it comes to making a subtle entrance." * * * Ophelia shook her head as she watched Chaos graze on the roses in the garden--and give a high-pitched shriek when he chomped down on a thorn. Chaos: o.O "Itaaaaaai, moo!" "That has to be one of the strangest things I've ever seen," Ophelia remarked. "It's as if Chaos bonded a little too closely with his smite weapons." She looked over to a Beans, who was busy stretching out a very stiff and sore body. "Nanami--I mean, Anarchy put you through more training again?" Beans nodded. "I've been learning a lot on how to break conventional Anime and fanfiction rules...but is it really a good thing when your opponent decides to fence using the Laguna Blade?" The Mame leaned back on the lawn, stretching out her sore arms. "One thing's for certain," she said contentedly. "This afternoon's duel is going to finally see an end to Chaos." Abruptly Ophelia cleared her throat. "*Ahem!* Ne, Beans, your fanclub awaits." Beans glowered at the horde of romantically-sighing girls watching her from one of the alcoves. "They haven't let up at all since I left my dorm room this morning. I think I got Juri's popularity with the females in the process." Ophelia chuckled, "I bet I know what you're thinking: why oh why didn't I take the blue Sake?" * * * Chaos grimaced as he stood before the entrance to the arena. He placed his hand for the Rose Signet to open the way. Water started pouring everywhere, creating a fine mist. As the mist cleared, it revealed a now very damp and thoroughly unimpressed fanboy hiding beneath his umbrella. "They should have *moo!* rain slickers for this place," he muttered. However there was more for him to worry about than the fresh tunafish that had somehow found its way into his shirt and was flapping away like mad to escape. The gates with the white rose emblem over them had opened up. Ready to embrace his destiny (so long as destiny was willing to embrace him with a fish tail sticking out from his collar), Chaos began his march to the dueling arena. The stairs proved to be the first daunting obstacle to his meeting with fate. Chaos: [exhaustedly crawling up the stairs] "Why *gasp!* hadn't anyone thought...to install an elevator...*wheeze!* if this was to be a central...*pant!* location in the story? What Chaos didn't expect was the typical "duel ascension" music to start up as he made his way up the stairs: Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku Shussei Touroku Senrei Meibo Shibou Touroku Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku Zettai Unmei Mokushi-- Finally Chaos could take it no longer. With a half-maddened battle cry he started firing cows in every direction, hoping to take out the singing choir. A sudden crash, followed by half a dozen shrieks and the breaking of glass later found Chaos enjoying his heart attack-inducing climb in silence. Huffing and gasping for air, he finally made it to the top. There was nothing but scenic blue skies and clouds far below, and that funky upside-down palace overhead. Ophelia was in a beautiful red gown, waiting for him. Beans was likewise waiting for him at the other side of the platform. Who he didn't expect to see was Havoc standing not far from Ophelia. "What the hell are you doing here?" Chaos managed to hack out as he tried to use an asthma inhaler. Havoc turned his Chichiri grin to the fellow fanboy. "To play the role of the playboy, of course. You can't have a proper fanfic full of cute, nubile young ladies without the Hentenno." Chaos: [turning to the authors] "Why can't I have contractual obligations like that, moo?" Chaos walked slowly over to Ophelia. One of his eyebrows raised up while appraising her attire. "You actually volunteered for this?" "Apparently so. I like the dress...but Beans should have reminded me about the bit with the sword!" Ophelia said the last statement loud enough for her friend to hear her across the way. Beans waved off the protest. "Your own fault for not thinking of that sooner." She turned to Chaos. "Shall we begin?" Chaos tossed his puffer aside. "Bring it on. But we both know who really wears the skirt in the Bean Wars!" Not sure if he was insulting her or insulting himself, Beans continued with her issue of challenge. "I will have the power of the Rose Bride. I will revolutionize this fanfic!" Beans took off her school blazer. Ophelia raised an eyebrow questioningly. "I won't have any restrictive clothing keeping me from defeating him!" the Mame proclaimed, now wearing a loose undershirt. Havoc: ^-^ [boing!] "I'll help you remove *all* your restrictive--!" Beans threw the blazer into Havoc's face before he could finish the sentence. "Not a chance, Havoc. I agreed to let you be Touga, so don't press your luck." She pulled a sword out of pocket space. It was kept in a plain sheath and had a golden hilt. Beans smiled broadly as she drew the blade out--and then abruptly sweatdropped. "What's with the Holstein designer outfit?" she asked Chaos. "You should know, moo!" Chaos shot back. "This dumb cowbell you gave me's possessed!" "Well, it was Anarchy's idea. Who am I to argue with her?" Chaos glared at Beans, a li'l raincloud appearing over his head. "Okay, that's it, moo! You can only push this fanboy so far before he goes over the edge." He turned to Ophelia. "Get your cleavage over here! I need my sword to show this impertinent Mame who's the *real* author avatar!" Ophelia sighed resignedly as she headed to the centre of the arena. "I can't believe I agreed be a human sheath. What was I thinking?" * * * The front gates to the Ohtori Academy were surprisingly heavily guarded. In order to ensure that there were no unexpected disruptions to Bean's ass-kicking session with Chaos, an entire garrison of Boomers had been put in place around the academy's perimeter. This time there would be no escape for the fanboy. The front lobby for the school found itself in the presence of numerous Boomers, all of them concealed beneath a seemingly frail and human disguise. Not much was happening since Chaos was trapped on the dueling arena with Beans. Most were just milling around. One was absently reading a newspaper. And then a trio of young male avatars strolled in through the front doors. Each one was dressed in a long black trenchcoat and wearing very trendy sunglasses. The leader, a very inconspicuous Zanba sword slung over his shoulder, was the first to walk through the metal detector. The red buzzer went off. "Could you please remove any metallic items you're carrying," the nearest Boomer instructed, standing between the fanboy and the exit into the academy grounds. "Keys, loose change--" Carnage opened up his overcoat, only to reveal a vast assortment of ridiculously huge mecha guns strapped to his jacket and body. Boomer: o.O "Na ni?!" Carnage immediately pulled out a Castor gun, the #1 type shell going off at point-blank range. There was very little to see of the Boomer getting shredded. However, once Carnage actually finished firing off the single walloping shot, a pair of severed and smoking robotic feet could be seen firmly planted on the floor. A moment later, Dark Mayhem strolled through the metal detector and held out his arms. The sparking head of the Boomer abruptly dropped into his awaiting hands. "You missed a spot," he remarked. "In a minuuuuute!" Carnage sang as he whirled, dropping the used Castor gun and then pulling out a pair of twin Vulcan cannons from the Heavyarms Custom. Exorbitantly large amounts of ammo got pumped into the frantic Boomers moments later. Robotic parts were sent flying in every direction. "Unit 23X-O49 calling for back-up," the last surviving Boomer stated over his communications array. "Send back--" His message was abruptly terminated as Pesti-chan walked through the metal detector and sent a Rumblequake that blew its head off. Pesti- chan removed his sunglasses, taking a brief appraisal of the front lobby. Pesti: "Subtle." Carnage: "Thank you." Still walking through the lobby, Carnage tossed aside his now empty Vulcan cannons and then pulled out a Beam Rifle for each hand. Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan were a step behind him. "I'm impressed you actually left walls intact this time," Dark Mayhem said. Carnage shrugged. "The scene's still young." [Cue the swarm of Hyper Boomers!] The trio of fanboys paused as the Hyper Boomers stormed the lobby, taking defensive positions behind the rows of pillars. The human bodies were shredded to pieces as the Boomer endoskeletons expanded to their full "quarterback on steroids" size. They all opened their mouths, letting the large cannons extend from the back of their throats. "Place weapons upon the ground and surrender," a mechanical voice warbled from one of the Hyper Boomers. Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan glanced at Carnage, and then dove for cover. Not to hide from the Boomers, however. The maniacal glimmer in Carnage's eye tends to send one panicking a little more than being confronted by a platoon of killer robots. Carnage immediately raised the Beam Rifles and let loose another volley of ammo that promptly shredded into fine little pieces anything it could find: Boomers, pillars, the wall. Hyper-Boomers thrashed around before being ripped apart by the continual autofire as Carnage dashed behind one of the pillars. The handful of Boomers that were actually still in relatively one piece opened fire, pelting the hapless front lobby. Bits of the artistically designed walls were sent flying in a hailstorm of debris and dust around everyone's heads. Dark Mayhem bent down to pick up the remains of the paper one of the Boomers had been reading, oblivious to the spray of bullets that tore apart the wall behind him. "Hm, Farneli Insurance is on the rise now that Meryl and Milly have actually found Vash the Stampede," he remarked. "Maybe I should consider buying stocks in that firm after all." Pesti-chan spun around as a stray Boomer leapt towards him from above. Completely taken by surprise, the overlord panicked and shattered into his multi-SD mode. This of course didn't help very much, as all the SD Pesti-chans wound up getting tangled in the now oversized trenchcoat. Hyper-Boomer: "Shin'ne!!" SD Pesti's: o.O "KYAAAAAA!!" Unfortunately for the Boomer, the first SD Pesti-chan it happened to pound was Pesti #3. At the risk of stating the obvious, the Cream Lemon detonation resulted in there being a new and really cute Boomer- shaped hole in the ceiling. Happily humming a tune to himself of "White Reflection", Carnage tossed the now empty Beam Rifles aside, and then pulled out a portable transpositional cannon. He spun back out into the open, unleashing a Gravity Blast that turned the once well-secured lobby into a very open atrium. There was a moment of dead silence as the dust settled. Pesti-chan and Dark Mayhem strolled out from behind large piles of fallen ceiling to stand alongside a pleasantly-grinning Carnage. "Yare yare," Pesti-chan said, looking around. "The interior decorator's going to be pissed when he sees this." "See what?" Dark Mayhem countered. "I don't even think there's enough here to classify this as a building's skeleton." A teary-eyed Carnage gave a wistful sigh. "That was just so damned cool." He turned to the other fanboys. "Tea, anyone?" Pesti-chan and Dark Mayhem rolled their eyes. "We'll need to block the entrance in case more Boomers stupidly decide to go after us," Pesti-chan stated, heading into the academy's quad. "That is...if there's anything left to block the entrance with." Carnage tossed his transpositional cannon and cracked his knuckles. "Already ahead of you. MEGA BRAND!!" Yet no sooner than the dust had settled did some rather irate critics of Carnage's creative and artistic outlet for portraying mass destruction charge onto the scene. "More expendable Boomers," Dark Mayhem observed. "They're almost as bad as the AD Police," Pesti-chan said. Carnage smiled as he pulled out the Physalis Gundam's atomic bazooka. "No problem." "Hold it," Pesti-chan countered, getting Carnage to lower the weapon. "This is where Hysteria can actually be useful for once." "Hai!" Hysteria piped up, leaping into the scene. And it wasn't long before Hysteria had the hapless and disorientated Hyper Boomers all dressed up in kawaii frilly aprons for her tea party. And it was a nice little tea party too...had one Hyper Boomer not cracked under the uberkawaii pressure and vaporized the table with a Satellite Strike. Hysteria wasn't exactly thrilled. Neither were the Hyper Boomers when they discovered just how dangerous a kawaii killer butterfly could be. "So," Pesti-chan nonchalantly inquired as Boomers were being flung through the air behind them. "Any idea where to go? This campus is pretty damned big." Dark Mayhem consulted one of the directories. "Knowing Beans, they'll be in the dueling arena." "I can get us there in no time," Carnage piped up. Dark Mayhem & Pesti: "No Boson Jump, Carnage." Carnage: --;; "I'm distraught that you guys don't trust me. I'm sure it's working properly this time!" * * * Meanwhile, back on the arena beneath the upside-down castle, things were not exactly looking right side-up for Chaos. The music cued up again as Ophelia placed the roses that would mark the end of the duel on each contender. She then walked to Chaos' side and sighed. "I don't know why I ever let you talk me into this...." Beans merely smirked as she watched Ophelia summon the sword. "O Roses of the noble castle, O Power of Dios that slumbers within me, Harken unto thy master and reveal to us..." Ophelia summoned the power of Dios. Somewhat reluctantly, she leaned back and so that Chaos could draw forth his weapon. "...the power to revolutionize the fanfic, moo!" Chaos finished triumphantly. He pulled out the sword, and then gawked as he wound up removing her bar in the process. "Um, gomen," he said, watching the bra slide down his blade. "For this, I became a Sailor Moon author?" Ophelia muttered to herself." After removing the bra, Chaos raised his sword and took up a battle stance...which vaguely resembled something out of a ballet class. Beans postured in a threatening way. Suddenly a loud voice could be heard to shout, "MAME KOMBAT!!" Beans was the first to attack, charging at Chaos with more speed and tenacity than Tsubasa disguised as a mailbox. "SHIN'NE!" was her battle cry as she swung for Chaos' head. His sharpened fanboy instincts allowed him to duck before it was removed from his neck. He put up the best fight he could, but the ball was in Beans' court and he was left dribbling. If only he had a bib! And through it all, yet another bizarre Utena song was being sung in the background. "You know," Chaos muttered as they pushed their blades against each other. "If you're that bent on killing something, why not start with that choir? I've got a great record of Lodoss War that we could throw on instead." "Retribution!" Beans shouted, thrusting her sword at Chaos. He recoiled to one side, dodging the attack. "Been taking lessons from Haruka, have you?" he remarked. "No matter, my one-handed Chaos-fu is better than your Chaos-fu." "Oh, I've been doing more than learning swordplay from Haruka," Beans shot back, a devilish grin on her face. Suddenly her blade shattered apart. In its place extended an enormous Beam Sabre. Chaos: o.O;; Beans: "I've been waiting a long time for this, Chaos!" Beans leaped into the air, defying gravity as she cleared the distance of the arena in a single lunge. She brought the Beam Sabre down, nearly cleaving Chaos in half. The terrified fanboy scrambled backwards, shrieking incoherently--until he saw that his skirt had been cut by her weapon. "Hey!" Chaos protested. "These things don't come cheap, I'll have you know. It took me a good hour before they found a skirt this size to fit my sexy little waistline." His eyes bugged out, and Chaos abruptly ducked as Beans took another swipe at his head. Seeing that against an agile SD fanboy a sword was rather useless, Beans tossed the Beam Sabre aside. "Aha!" Chaos stated. "I knew it was only a matter of time before I tired you out and you realized the only option was surrender, moo!" He struck a suave bishounen pose. "I'm not a sore winner Beans; throw down your smites and I shall see to it your lake god's well-treated." Beans pulled out an octopus and sent it flying into Chaos' face. "I'm done warming up," she cheerfully announced. She pulled out a fishing pole, and upon examining the line that was attached to the octopus now stuck on Chaos' face, Beans gave a hard yank. Chaos went flying, his flailing form pitched over the side of the arena. Beans: "Lunch time!" [Cue the Angel Gaghiel leaping out from the cloud cover!] Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" Yet once again super-deformity stuck its tongue out at the laws of physics; Chaos managed to run completely vertical as the fishy-type Angel tried to chomp down on him. He collapsed onto the edge of the arena, warily eyeing Beans. "Wait a minute, moo," he said darkly. "The wanton flaunting of godlike powers, the complete disregard for Anime continuities, the sadistic and vicious attacks; I know that smiting technique anywhere." Beans gave the V-sign to Ophelia. "Anarchy taught me how to use my power of the Fic for evil...and I like it." She clenched one of her fists, magic being pooled into her palm. "She also taught me how to do this: RA TILT!!!" Chaos panicked as he saw the Slayers attack heading towards him. There was no chance a bathtub could deflect the spell, and a cow would only wind up as barbecue. He abruptly paused in seeing Havoc standing alongside him. Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?" Chaos: [flinging Havoc at Beans] "Ra Tilt counter-attack: Raging Pervert!!" *SPLOOT!* However, Beans simply used her AT Field to deflect the torrents of whipped cream. As the Cream Lemon washed over the sides of the arena, she sauntered to where a dazed Chaos was sprawled out on the floor, Catastrophe-chan nibbling on his sleeve. Catastrophe-chan: ^-^ "chu chu!" Chaos: --;; "Where were you when I needed a Beam Sabre to be digested?" "HA!" Beans exclaimed triumphantly. "I have you now!" No longer merely content to strike the rose from his chest, Beans pulled out the Vayete Gundam's big-assed beam cannon with the full intent of using it to silence Chaos' rantings permanently. Suddenly out from beneath the arena appeared the form of an F91 Gundam, Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan each standing on a shoulder blade. A small chestplate popped open to reveal Carnage seated in the cockpit. "See?" Carnage said to the other two fanboys. "I told you this beats taking the stairs." The trio of otaku hopped down to the arena floor, making their way to the Bean War combatants. "Beans, I hate to break your euphoria, but you can't destroy Chaos," Dark Mayhem stated. He moved to approach Beans, but thought better of it when she let the barrel of the cannon rest against the cloth of Chaos' blazer. "Why not?" she countered. "I'll stop the insanity. Send you all back to your real lives and we'll forget this ever happened. All I need is the Rose Bride." Beans had a fanatical look to her eyes now. "She looks like she could use therapy more than us," Pesti-chan muttered to Carnage. He sweatdropped upon noticing that Carnage was too busy stroking the Gundam to hear a word that had been said. "Beans, I can assure you we understand your desire to tenderize Chaos," Dark Mayhem said. "However, do you realize what that will do to the Utena continuity if Juri wins this battle?" Beans sniffed. "I've thought this through. What is one series when we're talking about saving the whole ball of Anime wax?" The uber exploder fanboy continued to inch closer slowly. "True," he agreed, "but you do realize that the writers of Utena are the same writers of the S season of Sailor Moon, ne? If you unravel this series, it's going backwash into every last Sailor Moon fanfic in the S or post- S timeline." Beans: o.O [erk!] "M-Masaka." "He's right," Pesti-chan added. "You'll not only wind up destroying our series, but College Life as well. Haruka and Michiru would cease to exist, and then moments later all our fics will be completely annihilated." "And all because you offed Chaos in the wrong series," Carnage finished. Beans: [lamenting SD mame mode] "Damn! And I was so close too!" Chaos: --'' "Gee guys, don't stop her because she's trying *moo!* to kill your friend or anything." Fanboys: "We're not." Suddenly a newcomer stepped into the arena. Riot grinned, raising his katana sword. "Ah, I'm afraid you'll have to fight me first in a duel of anything-goes martial arts world revolution-fu. And I should warn you, I have studied for many an honorable year in this technique." Pesti-chan turned to Dark Mayhem. "Who is this guy, and why he keep showing up in our fanfics?" "How the hell should I know?" Dark Mayhem retorted. "My version of martial arts is when Ami takes a set of chains, and ties me to--" "Thank you, I've already used my imagination against myself!" Pesti-chan cut in. Beans looked over at Ophelia for support. "A little help here?" "They have a point," Ophelia admitted sadly. The look of defeat was unmistakable as she withdrew her cannon, then threw her rose to the ground, stomping on it. She sulked off to retrieve her blazer before leaving the arena with a raincloud of gloom floating over her head. Beans: [abruptly turning around] "This isn't over, Chaos. Not by a long shot." Chaos: [valiantly hiding behind Carnage] "Ha! I'll show you, Beans! Next time it'll be my turn to revolutionize the Bean Wars once and for all!" [Cue the terrified flying octopus!] Terrified flying octopus: o.O *SPLAT!* Chaos: --;; "You're *moo!* mocking me, aren't you, Beans?" Dark Mayhem: "Well, she's gone. You can stop cowering anytime now, Chaos." [Chaos shuffles out from behind Carnage.] Pesti-chan: [eyebrow twitch!] "Is that a cowbell he's wearing?" Dark Mayhem: "You know, Chaos, aside from Nanami you're the only twit I know who would mistake the Cowbell of Happiness for a pendant." Carnage: [shaking his head] "At least it explains the Holstein leotard...not that I wanted to know in the first place." [Suddenly Chaos turns into a cow!] Fanboys: [recoiling in surprise] "NA NI?!" Anarchy: "At last! I've been waiting for this moment all fic long." Nyugu Chaos: [blink blink!] "Moo?" Anarchy: ^-^ [with fork & knife!] "Itadakimasu!" Nyugu Chaos: o.O "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" * * * Beans and Ophelia meekly stood before their employer. "You two failed me again," the woman said, evidently anything but happy with the two authors and a gargoyle. "He must be made of teflon and have more blind luck than Mihoshi to escape every time!" Ophelia tried to explain. "Enough! Our deal is off. I'll find some other way to take care of Chaos." "But...but...." Beans lower lip quivered at the thought of continued bouts with writer's block. "Don't we get *something* for all our efforts?" Their employer turned around to face them. Sailor Pluto leaned closer to Beans. "I won't tell Haruka and Michiru how you almost wiped them out of existence. How about that?" Beans' eyebrow twitched. "Why you--!" Ophelia grabbed onto Beans and pulled her back. "Crossing this Senshi could equal deletion from the time stream," she muttered to her friend. Addressing Pluto, she said, "That's fine, Pluto-sama, thank you. We'll be going now," "Hang on," Beans countered. "I still want to know why you wanted us to take him out. I would have expected a contract out on Havoc, but not Chaos. What did he do to you?" "The Otakinator incident," the Senshi of time answered. Beans' eyes widened. "Oh...that." "What? What are we talking about?" Ophelia asked, looking from one to the other. "Have you read the end of His lordship Chaos and Jolt's Cameofic?" Setsuna inquired. Ophelia shrugged. "Do they have Coles Notes on it?" Beans sighed. "At the very end of the story, a bunch of MSTiers decided to take on a large killer robot Carnage had modified. Right when the two sides unleashed their attacks, Chaos used his bathtub smite and dropped Setsuna right in the middle." A sweatdrop appeared next to Ophelia's head. "But you control time. What could have been so bad about...oh. Havocs got you, didn't they?" "Hai," Setsuna answered, visibly trying to calm herself. "They appeared on either side of the tub, just in time to get blown into Cream Lemon. The force...lifted up my bathtub...throwing me far, far, far, away...to land in John William's orchestra...while they were scoring the soundtrack to Bean Wars...on the timpani." Both Ophelia and Beans winced. "I'm was going to seek revenge on those two pervs," Setsuna continued. "until I realized that the Sploot phenomenon is normal for them. But the Mega Sploot...that was Chaos's fault for getting me trapped in the crossfire in the first place." Ophelia dragged Beans back to the Time Gate and shoved her through. "Well, that was a fun story, nice doing business with you!" She gave a small wave before disappearing herself. Pluto tugged on her fuku, straightening the skirt before leaving herself. "Silly, aggravating authors. Think they control things around here. It's good to put them back in their place once in a while." Still chuckling to herself, she pointed her Time Staff in one direction. "Nice try, Havoc. Dead Scream." Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?" *SPLOOT!!* * * * Beans was strangely happy today. It might have been because the weather was sunny and warm. It might have been because she had no classes or homework or Chaos to worry about that day. Or it might have been because she had just happened to stumble across a trail of SD Haruka-chan patterned panties. Absently singing to herself a made-up tune that went something like "luck be a Mame tonight!", Beans happily skipped down the pathway. Every now and again she would stop and pick up the latest SD Haruka-chan panty to add to her already enormous collection. Forget having an SD Haruka panty for every day of the week. At this rate, she would be able to have one for every day of the month! And then a panty different from the others showed up on the pathway. "Hm? Na ni?" Beans asked, picking up the item of underwear. It didn't look like an SD Haruka-chan panty. Beans suddenly recoiled in terror upon the hideous realization that she was holding a set of SD Starlight panties! Her hand had come into contact with underwear which had those icky transsexual Senshi wanna-be Starlights on it! Instantly the shock took hold, her entire body reduced to a twitching mass of self-inserted avatar. The large pile of SD Haruka-chan panties was thrown in the air, landing so close yet so far from Beans' grasp. She desperately tried to get closer to the pile, knowing that (in a really twisted sense of irony) if she could only come into contact with the panties having her beloved Senshi on them, she could recover. Alas, she could barely get past her twitching. "I knew those SD Haruka-chan panties would be too good for you to pass up," a voice stated from above. Beans: [looking around] "Who's there?!" Suddenly Chaos unceremoniously fell from the tree and faceplanted onto the ground. Beans: --;; [twitch twitch!] "I should have known." Upon pulling his head out from the dirt, Chaos cackled maniacally at the immobilized Beans. "MWAH HAH HA HAH HAH!!! And you thought I didn't know your weakness, Beans. Well guess what? Not only do those panties have the Starlights on them, but they were also *worn* by the Starlights!!!" Beans' eyes widened as her twitching fit doubled in severity. "Not even *you* could be that sadistic!" she exclaimed. Chaos smiled, picking up the panty nearest to him. "Now you see why I shall win the Bean Wars...because you are too dumb when it comes to these Haruka-chan panties." Unfortunately, Chaos wound up grabbing the SD Starlight-chan panties instead of the SD Haruka-chan ones...and was immediately reduced to a twitching mass o' fanboy beside Beans. So now the two arch-rivals for a lake god were stuck, both of them twitching furiously in and out of SD mode without a clue as to how to get the scene to end. "T-t-t-h-h-i-i-s-s-s i-i-i-s-s a-l-l-l y-y-y-o-o-u-u-r-r f-f-a-a- u-l-l-l-t-t-t-t!!!" Beans said irately. "M-m-m-m-y-y-y f-a-a-u-l-l-l-t-t-t-t?!" Chaos retorted. "Y-y-y-y- o-o-u-u-u c-c-c-o-o-u-l-l-l-d-d h-h-a-v-v-v-e j-j-u-u-s-t-t-t h-h-h-h-a- a-n-n-d-e-e-e-d-d o-v-v-e-e-r-r-r t-t-h-h-h-e-e-e l-a-a-a-k-k-e g-g-g-g- o-o-o--d-d-d t-t-t-o-o m-m-m-m-e-e-e!!!" "Hotcha!" Havoc exclaimed, suddenly bounding across the Omake. The SD Haruka-chan panties drew him like Misato to a can of Yebicyu beer; he abruptly froze in mid-bound, the caption "Pervus in extremis cream lemonus pantiboostius" appearing below him. "Look at the treasure trove of silken darlings, and all for Hentenno!" he exclaimed happily. Chaos' eyes bugged out as Havoc snatched the entire stash of SD Haruka-chan panties. "HEY! GET BACK HERE YOU PERVERT!" he shouted after Havoc. "I got those on loan from the Silky Doll! If they're not back by six tonight, I can't get a refund!! HAVOC!!!" * * * Chaos chuckled to himself--and not because he thought he looked just so damned cute in that slinky red dress of his. No, for even though the first phase of his plan had gone slightly awry, the second phase was exactly as he had calculated it. "I have you now, Beans," Chaos laughed, leaning over the edge of the table. "To have my way with your lake god, the way it was always meant to be: as *my* mascot." Abruptly Chaos pulled out a Beans plushie. "'Oh, no! Get away from me!'" he said in a higher-pitched voice, poorly mimicking Beans. He had the Beans plushie try to run from the Chaos plushie already on the table. "Ha ha! You shall never escape the mighty Lord Chaos! Now bow before me and call me the Dragqueen!" "'Chaos, you moron, what the hell are you up to?!'" the Dark Mayhem plushie snapped. Chaos: o.O [blink blink!] Chaos' eyebrow twitched, and he immediately threw the Dark Mayhem plushie over his shoulder, now pulling out a Newt Schneider plushie instead. "Hush, uber exploder Newt-Boy!" He reached over to grab his Desolation plushie...only to discover that he had somehow managed to lose it again. So Chaos instead opted to pull out the Red Queen Kasumi plushie. Before he knew what was happening, the Skimehime-chan plushie has subdued the Chaos plushie. Red Queen Kasumi plushie: [with whip!] "'Please call me the Queen, Chaos!'" Chaos plushie: "KYAAAAAAA!!! JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA!!!" Suddenly the door to his bedroom was thrown open! In a frantic panic attack, Chaos desperately tried to gather up his horde of Fanboy plushies and hide them. However he only managed to send them flying in every direction. "Chaos, you're needed for the next scene!" Pesti-chan exclaimed. He sweatdropped upon seeing Chaos trying to whistle nonchalantly as plushies rained down from above. Pesti-chan shook his head. "Stop playing with your UFO Catcher dolls again and do something intelligent for once." "Hey!" Chaos shot back. "I'll have you know that these are action figures, Pesti-chan! Action figures!!" * * * Chaos slowly marched through the front door, towering before his mortal enemy. Yes, the SD Haruka-chan panty gambit had paid off, for now Beans was trapped. Angrily rocking in the chair she was tied to, Beans started to speak some colourful vocabulary that we really shouldn't repeat here...even if it was all in Japanese. The rest of the fanboys--Dark Mayhem, Pesti-chan, Carnage, Havoc, Anarchy and even Hysteria--were on hand to witness this momentous event. Could it be possible? Could Chaos have actually defeated Beans and taken control of the Bean Wars? Would they still be able to call him Sailor Dragqueen after this? Fanboys: "Yes." Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "Hey! I didn't ask to look like Relena freakin' Peacecraft here!" Pesti: "That still doesn't explain the earrings, Chaos." Carnage: "Not that we actually *want* an explanation." Hysteria: "Ooooh! Chaos-momma's kawaii little earring-chans are just sooooo kawaii, ne? Ne? Ne? Dark Mayhem: [eyebrow twitch!] "Listen, Hysteria, if you use that damned word 'kawaii' one more time, I'm gonna rip out your tongue and slap you with it!" Hysteria: ^-^ "Hai, Dark-poppa!" Havoc: "Anyone care for some Jello?" Fanboys: "SHADDUP HAVOC!!!" [Everyone pauses and turns to Anarchy.] Anarchy: [glancing up from her book '101 Ways To Nuke Tokyo'] "What the hell are you looking at me for? I don't feel like delivering my line right now...so what are you insects going to do about it?" Fanboys: [whistling nonchalantly] "......" "And now if I might be able to get back to my glorious domination of the Bean Wars," Chaos said, un-derailing the plot and putting it back on track--only to get run over by a bullet train moments later. Beans tried to wriggle free of her ropes, but found that a futile effort. Chaos sighed, pulling up a chair for himself. "I really didn't want to have to do this," he said to Beans as he sat down in front of her. "I mean I *really* didn't want to have to do this, Beans, but you have forced my hand!" "Give it up already!" Beans exclaimed in exasperation. "The lake god is mine! I even have notarized proof of ownership! Your author won't even let you have it for more than two paragraphs! Can't you take a hint?!" A sweatdrop appeared next to Chaos' head. "I'm not following you." Beans groaned. "But," Chaos added. "I have brought you here to reveal my ultimate lake god-acquiring technique. Gaze upon this title, Beans, and despair! For nothing can prepare you for--!!" He then pulled out a large manuscript. "Chaosfic-fu!" Riot: [abruptly looking around] "Did I hear a most honorable challenge of anything goes martial arts Chaosfic-fu being made?" "Presenting my newest Chaosfic," Chaos said, letting Beans read the title for herself. Her eyes widened. "NA NI?! Doco Wa Greenwood!" Pesti: o.O "Dear lord!" Carnage: "Masaka!" Dark Mayhem: "Chaos, you aren't seriously thinking of reading that Greenwood/Ranma 1/2 crossover out loud to her?" "Chaos," Pesti-chan said nervously. "Remember what happened when you did that reading for your Ruruoni Kenshinma fanfic?" "Aw, that was just a coincidence!" Chaos scoffed, throwing caution to the wind--only to get it flung back onto his face. "I mean, so that freak Satellite Strike went off in the middle of my reading." Carnage: --;; "There was nothing accidental about that one." Dark Mayhem: "And yet Chaos still didn't take your subtle hint." Hysteria: ^-^ "Ooooh! Doco Wa Greenwood-chan sounds like such a kawaii little Chaosfic-chan, ne? Ne? Ne? It reminds Hysteria of her kawaii little Hysteriafic-chan, Sailor V Gundam!" [Cue the facevaults!] "Enough page-wasting!" Chaos proclaimed, gesturing for silence. "Now, nothing can stop me from proving that I am the Otaking!" And with that, he began to read. Chaos: [let's start at the very beginning!] "*Ahem!* 'Hmph!' Shampoo sniffed indignantly. 'Shampoo no want date with you. Shampoo want date with Ranma!'...oh, wait! I lost my place! Give me a second...there we go!" Carnage: [aside to Dark Mayhem] "Great start. This fic's narration managed to begin in the bowels of hell." Dark Mayhem: "No, we hit that around page three. We're more in the duodenum of hell at the beginning." Chaos: [read like you wanna win...that lake god!] "Akane shook her face- -er, head! I meant head! I could have sworn I changed that mistake. Anyhoo, Akane shook her face--argh! Head! She shook her head, and opened up the door to her dorm room. A man young looked up...man young? This ain't Yang Wen-li!" Beans: [eyebrow twitch!] "I don't believe this." Pesti: "Ne, is it getting cold in here, or is it just me?" The fanboys looked at each other, nodding agreement about Pesti- chan's observation. However, unbeknownst to Chaos, the more he read, the more the world around him started to turn...ominous. The other fanboys glanced out of the windows as black storm clouds rolled across the skies, swallowing up the sunshine. What was once a gentle breeze started to pick up, taking only minutes to become a howling gale. Chaos: [still reading] "'You see, only girls are allowed here in Ryokuto Academy,' Ukyo explained to a still shocked Akane. 'But ever since he fell into some cursed spring, Ranma can change genders depending on the water temperatire'...no wait a minute! That's temperature! I thought I had spellchecked that one." "Dammit!" Carnage snapped, grabbing hold of one of the rampantly swinging window shutters. "Why did Chaos have to use this crappy beach shack from the movie Coo for this?!" "Why else?" Pesti-chan replied, pushing the front door shut as the winds caused it to loudly bang against the wall. "No one would look for him here! He could do this idiotic thing undisturbed!" Dark Mayhem's eyes narrowed as he watched small bits of grass and bark and loose sand get picked up by the winds. Steadily, larger and larger objects were being thrown into the air. "Son of a bitch. I think that dumbass has managed to conjure up a hurricane!" Hysteria excitedly clapped her hands. "Ooooh! Hurricane-chan! Hurricane-chan! Hysteria konya wa Hurricane-chan!" Dark Mayhem's eyebrow twitched. Seconds later Hysteria was pitched out of the door. The uber exploder fanboy immediately slammed the door closed and bolted it down. "I'm impressed you didn't just punt her through the wall," Carnage remarked. "I would have." Dark Mayhem shrugged. "The winds would have just thrown her back in." Chaos: [he keeps reading and reading and....] "'Ran-chan got enrolled here at Greenwood after that, and now has to pass himself off as a girl in order to get to college'...No, no, Ukyo should more say graduate. That's what I meant for her to say!" Pesti-chan's eyes bugged out as the tropical plants that lined the outer edge of the beach started to visibly wilt. Green leaves turned brown and then grey, breaking apart like ash and then being scattered in the growing gales. Suddenly Hysteria bounced off the side of the window. "Ohayo, Pesti-poppa!" she exclaimed. "Wheeeeee! Hysteria's having so much kawaii fun!" Pesti-chan promptly freaked, splitting back into his 6 SD selves once more. Anarchy shook her head, flipping another page of her book. "Her gene pool serious needed a lifeguard when it first started out. Ah, here we are! Chapter seventeen: psychic detonations." Chaos: [more Chaosfics!] "Akane scowled. 'I am not having this pervert as my roommate!' But Ranma merely laughed. 'What? Jealous because I have a better body than you?'...Na ni? I thought I had moved that sentence onto page six. Hang on a minute, Beans, I need to sort through this." Carnage was now in a race against the hellish tempests to nail boards across the rattling windows. He froze at one point in time, a sweatdrop appearing next to his head as he saw, despite the winds, numerous birds dropping dead onto the beach. "M-Masaka!" he said. "Mayhem, I think we should seriously seek shelter!" "There's always the Planet Hentai," Havoc offered, looking up from his bowl of Jello. "Hotcha! And tonight's the night we release me newest Havocfic: Dragon Knight Rayearth!" "I AM NOT THAT DESPERATE YET!!!" the oversized balloon head of Carnage snapped. Chaos: [let's go DoCo!] "Ranma-chan frantically tried to dodge Kodachi's ribbon, but in hte...er, the cramped ahllways...what the?! Did I even spellcheck these pages?! *Ahem!* The cramped hallways, this was nearly impossible...ne, where is Ukyo? She shows up in the next paragraph, but I didn't mention her at all." Beans: [grrr!] "Must..fight...creeping...insanity! Cannot let...my brain turn...to--!" Havoc: ^-^ [offering her a bowl] "Jello?" Beans: "NO!!!" Dark Mayhem's eyes widened as suddenly the door was torn from its hinges, the suction managing to pull the glasses off his face. He grabbed hold of one of the wall corners as the vacuum tried to pull virtually everyone out of the beach shack. "Here comes the hurricane!" he shouted. Unfortunately, Carnage had been slightly unprepared at the time, what with him having used a Beam Cannon on its "easy" setting to fuse the metal panels covering the windows to the wall. The mecha otaku was pulled outside and swept up in the cyclone, Gundams flying out of his pockets. Carnage: [swimming through the air!] "My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! (o.O) KYAAAAAAA!!! And I just had my VOTOM hood ornament installed yesterday!" Hysteria: @.@ [around, around, around, around!] "Waaah! Hysteria's getting dizzy!!!" Chaos: [completely oblivious] "And with that, P-chan ran into Akane's arms while Ranma-chan slipped on the soap!...um, when did I mention the soap? (o.O) I didn't! Shimatta! I had better go back and write that in quickly before someone notices the mistake." Dark Mayhem: [staring up at the black vortex now above the shack] "Oh, I think somebody's noticed your mistake all right, Chaos!" All six Pesti-chans shrieked as one was pulled towards the door. SD Pesti-chan #6 managed to snag hold of SD Pesti-chan #5's legs before he was sucked out--only to discover that he too was being caught in the pull. SD Pesti-chan #1 caught #6's arm, but was also dragged, until #3 grabbed hold. But, being only half one's size and weight while in SD mode, none of them had enough traction to anchor the chain. #4 snagged #3's arm, and #2 managed to find a grip on both #4 and the counter. Anarchy paused in her reading as she looked up to see a chain of frantic SD Pesti-chans all flapping around in the air. "They look like they could use some help," she remarked. And with a shrug, she returned to her book and bottle of Sake from behind the safety of her AT Field. Suddenly the walls splintered, the roof itself twisting violently before it was ripped from the foundations. Any piece of furniture not bolted down was immediately sent soaring across whatever was left of the beach shack. [Cue the fridge that rockets towards Havoc!] Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?" Caught unawares, Havoc was broadsided by the flying refrigerator, instantly detonating into whipped cream. The Cream Lemon was pulled into the skies by the hellishly black storm, everything now a turned into creamy darkness. Chaos: "Ne, is it getting drafty in here, or is it just me? Anyhoo...Kasumi looked out from her dorm room and said, 'oh dear.' Say, Beans, do you think I should reword that? It doesn't pack quite a good enough punch." Beans: [argh!] "Why can't I be sucked up and be freed from the pain?!" Dark Mayhem: "He's superglued your chair to the floor!" Chaos: "Hush, uber exploder Newt-boy! You just don't know good art when you read it!" SD Pesti-chans: "NEITHER DO YOU, CHAOS!!! TASUKETEEEEEE!!!" * * * With a startled yelp, Desolation threw himself onto the beach sands, narrowing missing a flying door from clocking him in the face. Spitting out the sand he had nearly tried to breathe, the lost fanboy slowly picked himself up. "What's with this weather?" he exclaimed, fighting to stay upright thanks to the abruptly nasty wind sheers. "The Weather Report Girl said today was supposed to be sunny where I was!" Desolation's eyes bugged out upon nearly getting smacked by a flying piece of Jello. He spun around--only to see a tree uprooted from the ground soaring towards him. "Shimatta!" Quickly thinking, Desolation reached back into his pack and pulled out a pomegranate of vengeance. He frantically yanked out the pin and then lobbed the fruit at the incoming tree. Unfortunately the winds were against him, and the pomegranate boomeranged. Desolation: o.O "Oh no." The pomegranate neatly exploded right into his face, leaving a scorched lost li'l fanboy as the smoke was blown away. Needless to say, the explosion hurt. A lot. Though not as much as when Desolation was smacked face-first by the tree. "Itaaaaaiii!! I need to find a place to wait out this storm," he lamented. "And just my luck, there's no roof in sight for me to hide under!" [Cue the flying beach shack roof that crashes down atop Desolation for no apparent reason!] Desolation: "A-Arigato...." * * * "Had enough?" Chaos inquired, still completely oblivious to what was happening to the world as he read his fanfic. "There's still ten chapters and sixty-three more pages to go before I finish this one. And there's a sequel too I happen to have here with me!" "No!" Beans snapped, fighting to keep a hold of her sanity. "NO! I will not give into your Chaosfic! Chaos tilted his head to one side, adeptly dodging Hysteria as she went for another flyby. "Hai hai. Onwards, to the next section! Akane's heart pounded furiously as she heard Ranma moving around on the other side of the curtain. No doubt *he* was changing--though I am not about to go into any ecchi scenes here, Beans. After all, I have standards of excellence I must follow. Now where was I? Ano...ano...ano...." "Damn your black heart and brainless head!" Beans shouted. Anarchy glanced up as she heard something strike her AT Field, and subsequently get fried by it. She blinked as she saw a sizzling Carnage on the other side. "Oh. You." "An-chaaaaaan!" Carnage lamented, giving her the teary Bambi eyes. "Oh, alright! I'll humor you," she sighed, rolling her eyes. She snapped her fingers. Carnage was clobbered by a randomly flying Ishtar mecha seconds later. "Happy now?" she inquired, returning to her book. "I'll be happy once the swelling goes down," Carnage groaned, plastered to the shoulder pad of the Gundam. He looked up, only to see Hysteria neatly seated on the mecha. Hysteria: ^-^ [giggle giggle!] "Fancy La La meeting you here, Carnage- poppa!" Carnage: "*Don't* call me...Carnage...poppa...Havoc, what the hell are you doing?" [Cue Havoc being leisurely whipped around the whirlwind while strapped into his panty parachute!] Havoc: "Just enjoying the draft. I bet I could get some real airtime if I used this baby to slingshot me back to Tokyo. Pu-chan would never know what hit her panties once I attain Mach 7 with this cyclone!" SD Pesti #3: [catching a ride on the parachute] "Mind if I tag along?" Other SD Pesti's: [flying all over the place!] "HENTAI!!!" Chaos finished off another page, flipping it over. "Now then, Nabiki had devused...no, devased...divesed...*ahem* had made up another plan to extort money off of Kuno." Lightening started to flash, enormous bolts streaking through the sky and narrowly missing the flying fanboys. The ground was starting to quake and tremble, water being picked up and splashed all over the place. With an exasperated groan, Dark Mayhem flattened his back against the wall, letting the wind securely pin him there. "Chaos, don't you think you're tempting fate just a little too much?" he shouted over the howling gales. "Your stupid-assed story's only encouraging the storm to get worse than--!" Abruptly a large spray of airborne water splashed against Dark Mayhem, his Jusenkyo turning the uber exploder fanboy into Newt Schneider. The vacuum picked up the newt instantly, carrying him into the air along with virtually everyone else. Anarchy might have helped...has she not fallen asleep in the midst of all this. As for Beans, she was still stubbornly refusing to let her will be broken by something as lame as a Chaosfic. Defiantly staring down Chaos, she abruptly noticed the floor starting to buckle. "Um, Chaos?" "Hold on," Chaos said, quickly scribbling white-out across part of the sheet. "I got Hard Lemonade on this part, and can't read what I typed. The white-out will help me clear my thoughts. I think it has something to do with Ranma pissing off Shampoo and getting the kiss of death." Suddenly the earth split apart, a massive yawning chasm opening up right in behind Chaos. The jagged crack started moving towards the fanboy, who still was completely ignorant of the unnatural phenomenon he had invoked. "Or maybe it was where Genma Panda pretends to be a big Totoro plushie in Ranma and Akane's dorm room," Chaos mused. "Chaos!" Beans exclaimed. Chaos looked up at her. "No, your will can't crack yet! I've just gotten to the good part, where Happosai pretends to be a transfer student and--KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" By this time the chasm had opened up right beneath Chaos, swallowing him and the chair whole! The fading shrieks of Chaos died out eventually, and then the ground moved back to close the hole. The winds dropped, the dark storm clouds dissipating almost instantly. Sand, water, tree parts, Gundams, and fanboys all came crashing down onto the beach in a less than graceful mess. And in that brief lull when all the debris had settled for a single moment...everything was then splattered by a downpour of Cream Lemon. With a groan, Dark Mayhem slowly lifted himself up from the whipped cream rubble. He walked over to Beans and untied her from the chair. "He really did have delusions of adequacy, didn't he?" she remarked. Dark Mayhem nodded. "Hai hai." Carnage and Anarchy joined the group, though Havoc was nowhere to be seen. Yet somewhere near the gates of time, a quiet "Dead Scream" could be heard, followed by a loud detonation of whipped cream. "Waaah!" Hysteria lamented. "What happened to poor kawaii little Chaos-poppa?" A newly reformed Pesti-chan stumbled over to where Chaos had once been. "Aiya," he said. "Nature itself rebelled against his fanfic." * * * [One week later....] Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan strolled down the hallways of the Jyuban District Hospital. "So, how's he today?" Pesti-chan inquired. "Oh, he should be out of here in another day or two," Dark Mayhem replied. Pesti-chan nodded. "Ah, I see. What about Chaos?" The two fanboys stopped at one of the open doorways, peering inside. There on the two hospital beds were Chaos and Desolation. Desolation was only sporting a few chest wrappings and an arm in a sling. Chaos on the other hand was covered in plaster casting, only the eyes remaining visible. "Ohayo!" Desolation said cheerfully, waving to them. "Good to see you guys again. It's been so nice to see a set of faces on a more permanent basis...that whole 'getting lost on Planet Tea while Lamunes IV nuked it' incident not withstanding, of course." "I still don't know how you wound up on Tea when you were only getting up from your bed to use the bathroom," Pesti-chan sighed, shaking his head. Desolation gave him the V-sign. "Daijobu! If I've been able to stay with you guys for this long and not get smited, it must mean my Wu aura's gone! No more pointless pain and suffering for me!" Abruptly a head peered around the doorway. "Ohayo, Desolation!" sang volunteer Nurse Minako. "I get to be your massage therapist today!" Desolation: o.O "A-Ano...." Nurse Minako: ^-^ [happily wheeling Desolation's bed out of the room] "Now I've only done acupuncture once, and that was on a dummy, but how hard could it be?" Desolation: [frantically holding onto the doorframe] "Curse our author! Curse him!!" "Well, so much for that theory," Dark Mayhem said. "Mph," came the muffled voice of Chaos from beneath the body cast. An evil grin appeared on Dark Mayhem's face. He leaned over and quietly inquired into Chaos' ear, "So, while you actually had Beans tied down and at your mercy, did you even bother to go out and steal her lake god?" Chaos: ;_; "......" [End...for now. MWA HA HAH HAH HAH HA!!!] Bean Wars 4-Ever was taped before an imaginary studio audience. Greenbeans and Chaos would like to extend their many thanks to the following co-conspirators: -Nightbreak for graciously letting us use Club Anipike (under threat that we'd unleash the Chibi Naga clones on him if he refused), not to mention having him reappear in a cameo role. -Havoc, who co-conspired with me that entire final scene of the Bean Wars, where Chaos learns to never tempt fate lest it revert into Red Queen mode and whip him silly. -Jelynne, for asking at the end of Bean Wars 3, "why of why didn't Anarchy have Beans choose between the red & blue Sake?" That question was just too damned funny to leave out. -Sean Gaffney, for suggesting Anarchy play the role of Nanami (subsequently causing great fear in the Utena universe ^^) -Dark Day For Anime, who just had to write himself in as an Anime deity vendor during a random Emailing session. Then again...can anyone here picture him doing anything else but something as warped as that? -Sarcasm-hime, for contributing her little ranting segment to the fic as we know it. Who says I don't give equal opportunity to overly amorous females? -Riot & Mayhem, whose late-night ICQ smitefest resulted in the creation of the ultimate counter-attack: Raging Pervert. [Cue an SD Nightbreak racing across the screen, armed with a vacuum cleaner!] SD Nightbreak-chan: ^^ "Ha ha! I have it! Bean's wind god from College Life #17 shall be mine! All mine!!" SD Beans-chan: "Do you guys even sleep at night?" OMAKE THEATRE!!! Chaos: [awkwardly] "Ano...Beans? Can I ask you a hypothetical question?" Beans: "Sure. What is it?" Chaos: "Hypothetically speaking, what would you say if someone perhaps, hypothetically, stole your lake god?" Beans: [suspicious] "Then hypothetically I'd say that would be a bad thing." Chaos: "Suppose then, hypothetically speaking, that someone hypothetically dropped their half-eaten, curried dim sum into the lake god's aquarium?" Beans: "That would hypothetically be even worse, and demand retaliation on my part." Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Okay...um, and--again, bear in mind this is purely hypothetical--what would happen if that person somehow accidentally flushed your lake god down the toilet?" Beans: [darkly] "Why, that would mean instant death." Chaos: ^^;; "Gotcha...good-bye!" Beans: [grabbing hold of Chaos] "Hold it right there!!" [Beans suddenly pulls out a plunger and races for the fanboys' bathroom!] Beans: "Don't worry, I'll save you! Mame's comin'!" Pesti: [emerging from the bathroom] "Oh, man! That's the last time we ever let Mayhem make that curried dim sum dish. That stuff just goes right through you! Oh...ohayo, Beans! You might not want to use the bathroom right now. Not until the smell clears, at least." Beans: [slowly turning to Chaos] "You...." Chaos: [sweatdrop] "Now Beans, let's be rational about this." Beans: [cue the evil demonic aura!] "YOU...." Chaos: ^^;; "Anytime you want to end this Omake Theatre now would be fine with me." [Endless....]