May The Fic Be With You! Chaos: [looking up at the title] "The...Fic? I thought it was supposed to be the Force." Dark Mayhem: "Oh, and I suppose you *want* to pay all those royalties to George Lucas for copyrights and legal fees?" Pesti: [groan!] "No...no more bills. We can't even repair the damage done to the top six floors of our apartment building now." Carnage: [eyebrow twitch!] "Hey! The red button which activated the Gunbuster's Buster Beam was clearly marked 'DO NOT PUSH'! It's not my fault!!" Pesti: "Well it was your mecha! Who else could it have been?" Carnage: "Ask yourself: who here is dumb enough to actually press a button labeled 'Do Not Push'?" Hysteria: ^-^ "Ohayo, minna-chans! Kawaii little Hysteria is just soooo excited to star with you all in the kawaii little Bean War-chans!!" Fanboys: --;; "......" Chaos: [cue the kawaii kitty ears!] "Wait! I sense a great disturbance in the Fic." [Cue Havoc!] Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! Panties panties panties!" Chaos: [sweatdrop] "Well, that one too." Beans: [armed with a terrified flying octopus] "If you even think you're going to win this war, let alone get out of it in one piece, then you've got another thing coming, Little Miss Dragqueen." Chaos: [aha!] "Curse you, Beans! So it was you who used the power of the Fic to get me whipped by Red Queen Kasumi after I accidentally groped her bosoms!" Beans: [eyebrow twitch!] "You really are one neuron short of a synapse, you know that?" Chaos: ^-^ "Arigato!" Beans: "......" Pesti: [sigh!] "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." Dark Mayhem: "I'd be impressed if the hamster had ever been there to begin with." Ophelia: "Hi! Sorry I'm late! Did I miss anything?" Carnage: "What are you doing here? I thought you were claiming pure innocence in this whole Bean War saga." Ophelia: [lament!] "Stupid contractual obligations. If I don't show up for the intro bits, I don't get paid at all." Chaos: "Ah, the perils of being a fanfiction character." [Cue the super submarine Atragon which falls from the sky for no apparent reason and smites Chaos!] Christabel: [munch munch!] "Oooh, now that *had* to hurt." Ophelia: "And just what are you doing with all my Pocky?!" [Christabel looks down at the Pocky she's eating, and then up to Ophelia.] Christabel: "Is this a trick question or what?" [Cue the facevaults!] Hysteria: "Oooooh! What a kawaii little gargoyle-chan, ne? Ne? Ne?" Ophelia: [recoiling in terror] "NA NI?! Wha...what is that?!" Dark Mayhem: "Other than a prime candidate for natural de-selection?" Hysteria: ^-^ [chasing after Christabel!] "Kawaii! Kawaii kawaii kawaii kawaii kawaii!!" Christabel: o.O "TASUKETEEEEEE!!!" Beans: [lobbing octopi at Chaos!] "And just what black hole in your brain makes you even *think* you'll ever get my lake god as your mascot?!" Terrified flying octopi: o.O *SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT!!!* Chaos: "Itaaaaii!! Go Fic yourself, Beans!" Ophelia: "That was rather rude of him to say. When did he learn German?" Dark Mayhem: [shaking his head] "He doesn't speak a word." Pesti: "Ano...anyone? Are we actually going to do this turkey of a fic, or what?" Chaos: --;; [covered in terrified octopi] "Do we have to?" [Cue the Bean Wars!] a long time ago, in a fanfic far, far away... [Cue the stirring John Williams theme music!] Distant voice: "...kyaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAA!!!" John Williams: [blink blink!] "What the--?" [Cue Setsuna, who's still been trapped in her bathtub since the Cream Lemon explosion at the end of the Cameofic!] Percussion section: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" *CRASH!!!! tinkle tinkle....* John Williams: [appraising the field of fallen musicians] "Um...take five?" Setsuna: --;; [rubbing her now aching butt] "bakabakabakabaka...." Lord Chaos presents A Bean Goddess! production BEAN WARS!!! Version 2.4: Chaos & The Beans Stalk (Just a li'l revengefic of epic proportions) Phone: *riiiiiing!* Beans: [groan!] "Hang on...!" Phone: *riiiiiing!* Beans: [picking up the receiver] "Moshi moshi?" Chaos: "Hello, Beans. It's 3am. Do you know where your lake god is?" Beans: [glancing around her dorm room] "It's right here on my dresser. I'm looking at it now." [Long pause....] Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "But if the lake god's at your place, then what do I have on my...(o.O) A bowl of Jello?! HAVOC!!!" [Cue the obligatory rolling story lead-in bit!] Having just rescued her lake god again from the clutches of the fanboy known as Chaos, Beans has retired to her own series of "College Life" and resumed the usual tedium of schoolwork and life with the Outer Senshi. Yet unknown to her, the GALACTIC STUPIDITY of Chaos is about to strike back with a new plot so sinister, so utterly deranged, it just might work this time! His sole purpose: to steal the lake god once and for all. Yet unknown even to Chaos is that Beans is now armed with a new secret weapon of her own, one that, if used, could spell certain doom to the sanity of our readers...provided you people have any of it left. Will Beans triumph once more over Chaos? Will Chaos call her the Queen? And in the process, could Chaos get a run in his pantyhose again? Only time will tell. And so the Bean Wars begin again.... * * * CLUB ANIPIKE 2:34am (do you know where your avatars are?) It was the middle of the lull hours at the club. Only a few Anime characters were milling around at some of the tables. Most had gone to their respective houses or apartments to get some sleep for the next day of shooting. Others who were working in 'night-time shots' wouldn't be in for another hour or so on their break. And interestingly enough, the avatars had all gone to bed. The "wicked" did rest after all. Jotarou finished wiping down the bar, steely eyes surveying the darkened club. The lights had been dimmed for a more enigmatic if not potentially sinister ambience. The jukebox was playing one of the BGC 2040 soundtracks. Other than that, the only noises that could be heard were but a few hushed whispers coming from the small gatherings of club patrons. Jotarou didn't care much to listen in. The kitchen doors swung open, and Misato wandered out. "You're still here?" she inquired. "Why don't you go home?" Jotarou shrugged, tossing the damp washcloth into the depths of the kitchen before the doors swung shut again. "Got nothing better to do," he stated. "Besides, something's happening. We may be short on avatars tonight--but there are enough authors here to get my guard up." Misato followed his line of sight, focusing upon a group of four people all seated at a booth in one of the darker corners of the club. "Who are they?" "Don't know," Jotarou answered. "They came in one by one during the night, haven't ordered anything to eat or drink. All they do is sit there quietly and talk until another one joins their little fraternity." "Beans is one of them," a voice stated. Both Misato and Jotarou turned to see someone walking up to the bar. Dressed in a long black, leather trenchcoat, the MSTier and fanfic author took a seat upon one of the stools. The trenchcoat dangled at his ankles, edges fanning into two flaps. He didn't remove the tinted John Lennon shades from over his eyes. Misato looked the newcomer up and down. "That's a new look for you, Nightbreak," she remarked. "Mid-fic crisis?" Nightbreak sighed, massaging the base of his neck. "Gotta be in costume for when we start filming more 'The Quick and the Dead Moon Circus' later tonight," he said. "I'm taking my cue from Alfred Hitchcock, and have decided to throw myself in a background cameo for the opening bar scene." "Cute," Misato chuckled. "And just how do you know that's Greenbeans over there?" Jotarou asked skeptically. Nightbreak merely shrugged. "Captain Morrigan's Spiked Lime," he ordered from the bar. "Hai!" a vivacious female voice exclaimed behind him. Seconds later the MSTier was tackled from behind by a Sabre Marionette. "Nightbreak, boku du ai suki!" she chirped happily. Nightbreak's arms twitched as his face was sent into the bar. And he remained that way for quite some time, sweatdrops appearing next to both Misato and Jotarou. "Lime, get off him," Misato groaned. "There are other tables you can attend to." The Sabre Marionette waitress sulked at that...until she saw Tiger trying to steal the tips from one of her tables. Needless to say, furniture and the occasional customer went flying across the club. But since the occasional customer happened to be Desolation on a coffee break, it's okay. Desolation: --;; "No matter where I go to eat, the service at my table always ends like this." Dota-chan: o.O "He's headed straight for Vegeta! Run for it!" *CRASH!!* Vegeta: [grrrr!] "That was my Saiyan Strawberry Shake you just ruined, punk." Desolation: [sigh!] "Well, there's goes this cameo for the fic." "Well, look at it this way, Nightbreak," Misato said, trying to be optimistic. "At least it wasn't Bloodberry who tackled you." Warbled the MSTier: "Gee...thanks." He played with his jaw to ensure it was still intact. "Man, at this rate I should retaliate by writing some sort of twisted fic like 'Senshi Hollow,' where Chiba Mamoru sets off to investigate a strange gothic creature known only as the Headless Horse-youma. I could even make it that "Wooo! Western!" daimon from the S season." Jotarou's eyes narrowed. "What?" he growled. "Stop teasing him, Nightbreak," Misato sighed. "We both know that Chaos is in the middle of finishing that particular fiasco anyways. But the last thing we need is another Star Platinum Stand-shaped hole in the roof." Nightbreak simply grinned at that, raising his hands up in defense. "That wasn't my fault. Really, you have one unruly author avatar like Johnathan Brisby show up, and then everyone becomes a suspect. After all, I'm just a humble author and MSTier." "That doesn't get you off the hook," Jotarou stated, sliding Nightbreak's Spiked Lime across the counter. Without missing a beat, Nightbreak grabbed hold of the sliding glass and then took a quick drink. He cast another glance over his shoulder at the developing conspiracy. "Actually, it's not Greenbeans the author, but Beans the author avatar. Scuttlebutt among some of the other Sailor Moon authors is that she's prepping for some rather grand and particularly vicious fanfic." "Do you know what it's about?" Misato asked. The MSTier shrugged. "Perhaps. Have you ever had a fic you were so sure was real, you almost believed it was? The question then becomes: how can you know the difference between the real universe, and the multiverse?" Jotarou and Misato exchanged confused glances. "Looks like filming in the sun finally took its toll on him," Jotarou muttered. He got a quick jab from Misato in the ribcage for that remark--though he was far too buffed to really feel it. "The multiverse is the world that author avatars have pulled over the eyes of Anime characters to blind them from the true reality of what their series should be," Nightbreak said, staring into his glass as if philosophically pondering the significance of his drink. "To an extent, reality can be changed on a whim if one knows where the fantasy begins and ends. Avatars see beyond the dimension of the Fourth Wall; the conventional rules of an Anime universe, and subsequently an Anime-based fanfic, cannot truly apply to them as a result." "Avatars?" Misato asked. "This is all about avatars?" Nightbreak nodded. He paused for a moment to take another sip of his Spiked Lime. "Avatars can violate any law of the resident Anime they please, for they are the epitome of deity in their fanfics. What the Anime characters may believe is absolute, the avatars can bend if not entirely break. They are self-inserted gods who were never meant to be there, yet are." Misato placed a restraining hand on his wrist as Nightbreak tried to take another sip from his glass. "No offense, but it sounds as if you've already had enough," she stated. Nightbreak smiled enigmatically. "Enough of a boring reality, perhaps. In learning how to reshape reality, you learn how to recreate yourself, Misato. Didn't Evangelion teach you that?" "We don't even know what happened in the End of Eva," Misato lamented. "Hell, Gendo couldn't make sense of it. 'What is a dream?' And just what did that live-action segment have to do with the Angels anyways?!" And with that, Misato grabbed Nightbreak's Spiked Lime and took an excessive chug for herself. Jotarou shot Nightbreak an unamused glare. "Now look at what you've done." The author once again raised his hands in defense. "I'm not with Gainax, my friend. But fact of the matter is that author avatars do not see a Fourth Wall; it does not exist. And thus in the multiverse, they can do whatever they want." A scowl appeared on his face. "As a result, numerous avatars have created many...unorthodox, alternate worlds of Anime." "Spare me the self-insertion metaphysics," Jotarou growled. "What the hell are you talking about?" Seemingly amused by this, Nightbreak slid the shades partway down his nose. "What you're about to see are the consequences when one of the general rules of fanfiction is violated," he stated. "One such absolute remains to never openly tamper with the world of another author avatar- not unless they permit it." Misato frowned. "Beans is going to retaliate against another avatar? But who...?" She and Jotarou looked at each other. "Chaos," they chorused. "It could only be him," Jotarou said with a displeased roll of the eyes. "This flamewar between them had better not set the club on fire again." "I'll order enough fire extinguishers this time," Misato reassured him. Nightbreak lifted the glass to his lips and downed the remainder of his Spiked Lime. After finishing it off with a satisfied sigh, he turned his head to look at the booth full of Sailor Moon authors. "Oh, she's certainly got something interesting planned for our feckless overlord of Mass Destruction. But unfortunately, no one can be told what Mame's fic is. You'll have to read it for yourself." The MSTier slid his shades back up the bridge of his nose as he stood. "I might be able to get something out of Haruka and Michelle when they show up for the bar brawl scene. Although if I were you, Misato, I would use this time to take a vacation far away from here." And as if on cue, a haunting melody started to play, rattling everything in the club. "Shimatta!" Misato groaned. "Eudial, get off the damned organ! It's too early in the morning for this!" * * * CURSE OF THE FANBOYS!!! (6 hours earlier) At the apartment of the fanboys, the plot was congealing. Actually, no...the plot was not thickening like soup--it was congealing more like a bowl of Jello. Lime green Jello to be exact, fresh from the fair Lita's bathtub last evening. got jello? Carnage: [eyebrow twitch!] "What the hell?" Dark Mayhem: "Our budget's gotten so overblown in the past few fics, we've had to contract out to shameless advertizing to finance the Bean Wars." Pesti: [groan!] "Please don't tell me our newest sponsor's who I think it is." Yes, that's right! Jello! The stuff that you just can't enough...of. Indeed, there's always room for a great helping of Jello at the Planet Hentai nearest you. Just look for the neon bra somewhere on the Tokyo skyline. Come on out and try the nyotaimori platters. We dare you! Chaos: [raising his hand] "Okay, who else didn't see that one coming?" Carnage: [thumping his head against the nearest solid object] "Not the pervert again! Why must everything be about the pervert?!" Havoc-chan: ^-^ "Call me Hentenno!" Carnage: [glowing demonic aura!] "YOU...!!!" Dark Mayhem: "Now now, remember what your therapist said." Carnage: "'Kyaaaaaa'?" Dark Mayhem: [sigh!] "No, *before* you stomped on him with the Physalis Gundam." Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "Perhaps we should just get back to the fic." Chaos: ^-^ "Hai!" "Aaaaaand," Chaos continued, gracefully leaping out of rapid dialogue mode and running facefirst into their living room wall. "What better way to begin a plot than with my ultimate plan to claim the lake god as my own mascot!!" Carnage shook his head, heading for the fridge. "Well, there goes this fic right down the crapper. Anyone else want a Maho Tsukai Mai Tai?" "I'd rather a Boku No Virgin Marie," Dark Mayhem piped up. Everyone stopped and looked at the uber exploder fanboy, sweatdrops appearing next to their heads. "I meant the drink, not the robotic babe," Dark Mayhem said with a scowl, returning to the financial section of the newspaper. "Buncha dumbass perverts." "Speak for yourself," Pesti-chan piped up, helping raid the fridge of its leftover slices from Pizza Shock's new 'Key Lovers' pizza (limited edition of only 30,000). "Speaking of Havoc," Chaos added, pulling his face out from the wall. "Where is he?" Carnage dubiously pointed over to the couch, where the female version of the uberperv was fondly stroking a pair of panties against her cheek. "He's right here." Dark Mayhem: "New acquisitions?" Havoc-chan: ^-^ "Hotcha! Iria might have been able to take down Zeiram, but she's still no match for the Hentenno! Glorious silken treasures!" Dark Mayhem: "I'll take that as a 'yes'." Pesti: [eyebrow twitch!] "Havoc, you are aware that your sweater is smoldering, ne?" Havoc-chan: "You know, those grenades she throws have a surprisingly large blast radius." [Cue the facevaults!] "Havoc!" Chaos said with a way too cheerful grin on his face. "Friend, fanboy, the perverted cast member I never wanted!" "Hai!" Havoc-chan agreed, her Chichiri grin not even close to disappearing so long as Iria's panties were against her face. Carnage and Pesti-chan exchanged nervous glances. "Just what is he up to?" Pesti-chan muttered. "I don't know, but definitely no good can come of this," Carnage replied. "Popcorn?" Pesti-chan nodded. "I'll fetch the salt." Meanwhile, Chaos was still busy smiling at Havoc. "Ne, Havoc," he remarked. "Did you know that Beans doesn't really have a lake god, but a lake *goddess*?" Havoc-chan: o.O Pesti-chan's jaw hit the countertop. "Masaka! Chaos, you can't be serious!" "Oh, but I am!" Chaos proudly proclaimed, striking a manly pose in his newest ballerina tutu. "Tell you what, Havoc; you bring me the lake goddess, and you can keep its panties. Ne, Havoc? Havoc?" "She's already gone," Dark Mayhem said, pointing over his head to the cloud of dissipating dust. Carnage rolled his eyes and downed all of his Maho Tsukai Mai Tai at once. "Yare yare. I can't believe you enlisted Havoc to get the lake god for you...and the pervert actually agreed!" Chaos chuckled devilishly to himself, a li'l pointy tail appearing in behind him. "Heh heh...this has to be my most brilliant plan yet. Even better than my upcoming Chaosfic: Endyana Jones and the Star Seed of Doom!" He abruptly turned around as someone tapped him on the shoulder. Naoko Takeuchi: ^-^ [with 1000t mallet] "You go squish now." Chaos: o.O;;; *SPLAT!!* And with her pan-dimensional mallet neatly lodging Chaos' head in the floor, the Sailor Moon creator dusted her hands off and walked out of the apartment. Her job was done, so all hail the conquering and slightly psychotic Naoko-sama! All: [bowing down] "Jo'o-sama." "Hotcha!" Havoc-chan suddenly exclaimed, bounding in from the bathroom door and running down Carnage. "The Hentenno has struck again!" She proudly set down a burbling aquarium tank on the kitchen table. "Now that was simple," she remarked. "Chaos, just where in this aquarium are the lake goddess' panties? I couldn't find them anywhere." Suddenly Carnage, now sporting a set of Air Jello sneaker treadmarks on the back of his head, erupted from the floor and glared at Havoc. "WOULD YOU STOP USING MY HEAD AS A LANDING STRIP, YOU FREAK?!" he exclaimed, launching into an irate, over-sized demonic head mode. Havoc-chan gave an indignant sniff. "Hmph! Excuse me, Carnage, but if you want some panties, you'll just have to steal them from a lake goddess yourself. This baby's spoken for." "Havoc, that's a lake *god*!" Carnage snapped. "It doesn't have panties. It never will. I don't even think it has underwear at all, no matter what gender it is!" Havoc-chan gawked at Carnage, who was now being offered three large cups of decaff from a frantic group of SD Pesti-chans trying to calm his nerves. "But...Chaos said...." Havoc-chan said, visibly confused. Dark Mayhem sighed from his place on the couch. "Havoc, Carnage is right. First off, it's a male lake god. Second, lake gods are pure water; they don't wear clothes. That aquarium holds no form of women's underwear for you to boost at all." Havoc-chan slowly turned to Chaos, her hentai battle aura flaring up. "Is that so?" Chaos: o.O "A-Ano ne...." "You dare to dishonour the power of the Perv, Chaos?" Havoc-chan said darkly. "This crime against my Brashido shall not go unpunished." "Say, who's up for visiting the Fire River Temple?" Dark Mayhem asked, abruptly getting up from the couch and making a fast break for the front door. Carnage and the Pesti-chans were not far behind him. However, in their rather anxious state to vacate the area, five of the six SD Pesti- chans ran right through the door, leaving cute li'l SD fanboy holes in the wood. SD Pesti #2: [yare yare] "That's why I always let them go in front." Chaos: [backing away from Havoc] "Um...can't we talk this over?" Havoc: "HIRYU SHOTEN-BRA!!!" [Cue the hordes of living bras!] Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!" With the perverted battle aura having been fully absorbed by the hapless Chaos, the other fanboys deemed it safe to re-enter the apartment. "Oh, I hope you don't mind," Dark Mayhem remarked nonchalantly, thumbing over to their new guest. "Beans wants to have a few censored words with you, so we just let her in." "WHAT?!?!" Carnage turned to Beans. "It would appear Chaos is a little busy getting his ass kicked right now. Should we set back your appointed thrashing of him a half hour?" Beans glared at Chaos--who was now sprawled in a corner, limbs twitching in every direction, with big swirly eyes as a bunch of carnivorous bras were busy nipping at his heels. "Not a chance," she stated coldly. "No more nice Mamegami-sama for the fanboy." "Whatever," Carnage said with a shrug, yanking on the pan- dimensional rope hanging next to his head. Seconds later Chaos was clobbered with the Super Gundam Crushing Press. "Itaaaaiiiii!" Chaos groaned, pulling himself out from beneath the stone statue. He paused for a moment to yank off the living bra yipping in his ear. Just then he realized he was in the shadow of a rather irate author avatar. Chaos: [big happy Bambi eyes] "Um...what lake god?" Beans shook her head. "You know, I've gotten used to you stealing the lake god, Chaos...but Havoc. Havoc! Do you know what that perverted twit did?" Dark Mayhem: [aside to Carnage] "One hundred yen says Havoc-chan stole her panties in public." Carnage: [nod nod!] "Two hundred on the public being Haruka and Michiru." Beans: "Are you guys deliberately trying to humiliate me?" Pesti: "At the risk of getting clocked with an octopus, I think you're waaaaaay beyond mere humiliation here, Beans." Beans turned to Chaos. "You know what, Chaos? They're absolutely right. There I was, alone with Haruka and Michiru in my dorm room, trying to somehow explain that it wasn't me who got drunk on Happochinoes and slept with them when our authors went crazy. Suddenly Havoc pops up, swipes the lake god, and then proceeds to strip all three of us naked!" Pesti-chan slowly turned his head to Havoc-chan, who was smiling wistfully to herself at the memory. "Haruka and Michiru merely looked at each other, smiled, and then pounced on me," Beans continued. "And it just so happened at that exact moment, a bunch of people on my dorm floor walked into the room! Do you have any idea of the rumours that are flying across the college now?!" "Andy must be devastated," Dark Mayhem muttered to Pesti-chan. He was immediately clocked in the face with a stunned octopus. Chaos triumphantly leapt to his feet. "Ha ha!" he exclaimed. "That means you'll have to hand over your lake god to me while you clear this mess of yours up." Beans reached out and grabbed hold of the fanboy's lips, yanking him forward. "My mess? Who got piano key marks on my butt in the first place?" The other fanboys burst into rounds of badly-hidden snickering. Beans shot them a dirty look--but it was grabbed by Havoc-chan before anyone else could get it. "Well it *was* a great scene," Carnage admitted. "Yare yare," Beans muttered, massaging her temples. "I'm beyond mere retribution here, Chaos. You've destroyed the integrity of College Life...and you just can't get a clue." A sweatdrop appeared next to Chaos' head. "Should I hire boy detective Conan to find one for me?" Beans blinked for a moment before producing her trusty pocket octopus, and squirting Chaos' face with ink. "You see, Chaos, I've come to learn that you're a plague upon the Net, an unnatural disease within fanfiction. And I now realize that I alone am the cure." "So you're giving me the lake god?" Chaos asked with an optimistic smile. Beans facevaulted. "Okay, Carnage," she said, getting up off the floor and rubbing her Band-Aid-covered nose. "Let him have it." Carnage: ^-^ [yanking on a pan-dimensional rope] "Hai!" [Cue the Super Octopus Crushing Press!] Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" *SPLAT!!!* Dark Mayhem & Pesti: [looking at Carnage] "......" Carnage: "What? She paid up front for it; was I supposed to simply refuse her?" Beans turned and walked out from the apartment. "Prepare yourself, Chaos," she stated before closing the front door behind herself. "You've humiliated me for the last time. This means war." Dark Mayhem put up his hand. "What about the rest of us?" The Bean goddess stalled at that. "Ano...give me back the lake god and we'll call it even?" "Deal!" Dark Mayhem, Pesti-chan and Carnage chorused, quickly handing Beans the burbling aquarium tank. "Where's my sympathy here?!" an irate SD Chaos snapped. He turned his head to find Havoc-chan offering him a pair of panties. Chaos: --;; "Get those away from me." Havoc-chan: [???] "Why? They're yours, anyways." Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "What?" * * * So the declaration of war has begun. Yes, Beans had not merely thrown down the gauntlet, but also ensured that it promptly smacked Chaos right in the face. Yet let us fancifully prance to another scene, where a new kind of battle is brewing--if not nicely sautéing. Beans walked down the strangely dark corridors. "Ano...where are we again?" she asked her guide. Zanba spatula leisurely slung over her shoulders, Sarcasm-hime pointed upwards. "Beneath the Tokyo city hall," she answered. "Kanoe lets us have it free of charge on the weekends while the Earth Dragons are out at the beach." They continued through the basement labyrinths. "I'm glad to see you finally came to your senses and decided to use the power of the Fic," Sarcasm remarked, running a hand through her near impossibly long, dark hair. That managed to catch Beans by surprise. "Na ni?" she asked, certain she had already heard all the latest catch phrases coined by Chaos and his gang of deranged fanboys. "Every author avatar has a latent god-like power known as the Fic," Sarcasm explained, hanging a left as they reached an intersection. "It's the ability to alter whatever they want in the multiverse. Since this is a fanfic, we hold the chance to become a character who can do whatever they please and not answer to anyone--not even the writer! It's just a matter of how one chooses to use the power of the Fic." A large set of metal doors awaited the two ladies at the end of the corridor. Sarcasm snapped her fingers, and with a hiss of pressurized air and smoke, the large gates retracted into the doorframe. Before Beans even had a chance to enter, Sarcasm-hime abruptly leaned closer to her for an appraisal. Beans smiled uneasily under the scrutiny. "Yes?" "You're ready to join us on the Dark Side after all," Sarcasm said finally. The elfgirl grinned. "This is going to be so fun. Mo-chan!" "Coming," her beleaguered vampiric valet sighed, quickly shuffling up next to Sarcasm. He raised a silver platter full of tasty little chocolates and snacks. Sarcasm giggled as she took a chocolate. "Arigato, Mo-chan! You make such a cute little servant, ne?" She turned to Beans. "Care for one?" "Um, maybe later." "Suit yourself," Sarcasm sighed, looking back at Mosquiton. "Mo- chan, I'd like you to make sure that Aburetso-sempai is in my room by six tonight for my...math tutorial. I trust you won't disappoint me?" Mosquiton's coin-sized lenses slid down his nose as a sweatdrop appeared next to his head. "H-Hai...." Beans just shook her head as she watched the hapless master vampire disappear down another corridor. "Are you sure it's legal to do that? Even for you guys?" "It's a common law in both Anime and fanfiction," Sarcasm explained with a shrug. "The females species of otaku always viciously smite the males on a whim. You've always had that power to become a true avatar, but you instead decided to remain with the Light side of the Fic." Beans: "Well, College Life is quite popular." Sarcasm: "Hai...but we're not in College Life right now, are we?" Beans: o.O "Good point." "You see," Sarcasm said, gesturing for Beans to go first through the doorway. "If you want to get Chaos once and for all, there can be none of this 'goody two-shoes' avatar bit. You have to be mean, cunning and all around twisted." "Kind of like your author," Beans remarked. "Exactly!" Sarcasm agreed cheerfully. The two walked into a large chamber decorated with many a strange thing. Such as the large ceiling mural, depicting some of the meanest Anime villains ever created...all with red moustaches painted on their faces. Not to mention the biggest karaoke stage and sound system...as well as what must have been half the city's Sake supply. In the middle of the karaoke stage was a large leather chair. The chair was turned away from Beans and Sarcasm, the high back masking any good view as to who the occupant was. "Come forward," a female voice instructed. Sarcasm nudged a suddenly reluctant Beans forward. Shuffling her feet on the floor and looking rather fidgety, Beans stood before the karaoke stage. "This is the one you were talking about?" the woman in the chair inquired. "You believe this girl is the one prophesied to bring imbalance to the Fic?" Sarcasm nodded. "The Fic is unusually strong with her. And now she's looking to use it for evil." The woman chuckled. "Ah, I have heard of this before. So tell me, Beans, are you willing to push the limits of your avatar powers to smite Chaos? Do you have what it takes to create the most twisted story ever for Chaos to find himself in?" Beans bowed down. "What is thy bidding, my Empress?" The chair swivelled around to reveal--!!! Anarchy: [evil grin] "What? You were expecting that man, Yang-Wen Li?" Rampage: ^-^ [on the armrest] "CHU CHU!" "Well then," Anarchy stated, snapping her fingers. Tasuki promptly ran across the karaoke stage, two large jugs of hot Sake in his arms to deliver to her. "It just so happens that I've been contacted by an anonymous person who wishes for Chaos to meet with the same sort of demise. I've arranged a meeting between you two at Club Anipike; bring a friend if you want. The more smites for Chaps, the merrier I am." A most diabolical glint appeared in Beans' eyes. "Definitely," she agreed. * * * CLUB ANIPIKE 2:37 am (okay, so our continuity's a little off here) Beans sipped on her soda before leaning back into the padded cushion of the booth where she, Ophelia, Christabel, and a mysterious woman were seated. "So, you say you can help us?" The woman nodded slightly. "You will never have this problem again if you take care of my problem." "Eliminate one fanboy and we'll never suffer writer's block. This sounds too good to be true," Ophelia remarked, nibbling on a cookie that she managed to snag away from Christabel. "This will be fun," the Gargoyle giggled evilly. Everyone abruptly paused in seeing Desolation get flung into Vegeta--and subsequently get turned into a living pretzel, only to be booted through the ceiling in his way to planet Namek. Beans winced. "That look like it hurt." The mysterious woman smiled. "Perhaps that can inspire you. In the meantime, your merchandise has arrived. You can find it in Studio #0069 of the Dojiworks division." Ophelia simply blinked, the surprise registering in her mind. "You...want us to go into the lemon section of Studio Anipike?" "Who do you think would look for your item there?" the woman replied with a shrug. "Good enough for me," Beans stated, sliding out from the booth. "Come on, Ophelia. We've got a fanboy to maim." "Coming," Ophelia sang, moments before she tried to wrestle another cookie away from Christabel. "Oof! Hey, I had dibs on the chocolate chip one!" * * * STUDIO #0069 Dojiworks Studios Tomorrow's filming: Kinky's Delivery Fanservice (a Havocfic) Ophelia gawked at the gargantuan device towering over her. It was an enormous ring, various Japanese hiragana etched into the design. "Wow. It's...big." "I'd hate to think what NERV charged for express delivering this thing," Christabel remarked, chomping down on the last of the cookies. "Those EVA couriers aren't cheap." Ophelia: ;_; "You ate all of them?! But...what about me?" Christabel: ^^ "You can suck the crumbs off my hand." Ophelia: [whacking the gargoyle across the back of the head] "Baka." And so after realizing that the hand fares rather poorly against stone, Ophelia turned to Beans with a painfully forced smile on her face. "So, what does it do?" Beans smiled, chuckling to herself. "This is called the Fangate. It's a system of transdimensional portals which connect every last realm of the Aniverse together. With this, I can suck any character into a completely different Anime series. This isn't a fanfic hybridization; you become a part of the Anime itself. No avatar powers, no deliberate self-gratuitous moments, and no author interference. Chaos will be at our mercy." Ophelia looked at the towering circular portal. "How'd you dig this thing up anyways?" Beans shrugged. "I hired Fam and Iria, the Ruin Explorers." "Impressive," Christabel remarked, pulling out a bag of popcorn. Ophelia looked down at the gargoyle. "I thought you didn't have anything left to eat." "There's just one thing we need to activate it," Beans stated. She grimaced at the thought. "And unfortunately I know exactly who we have to visit to get it." "Are you sure about this? No one's ever done anything like this before," Ophelia asked uneasily, trying to pin down Christabel and lay claim to the popcorn. "I've heard of author avatars trying it with their MSTiers...but never one avatar trying to wipe out another this way, period." Beans: [evil Miyu giggle] "Tee hee! That's why it's going to work. Heh heh...MWAH HAH HAH HA HAH HA HAH HAH!!!" Ophelia: o.O [hiding behind Christabel] "Um, Beans, could you stop with the evil overlord's cackle Mk.II? You're starting to worry me. And where's my popcorn?!" Christabel: [burp!] "Was that a rhetorical question?" * * * Meanwhile, back in College Life, things had taken an unexpected turn. More a left turn, followed by a hard right and then a sharp drop in gravity. Yes before you could sing "the twists in the plot go round and round, round and round, round and round!" who should suddenly drop into Beans' dorm room but Chaos! Chaos: [landing & striking a triumphant pose] "I am the Otaking!" [Cue the other fanboys falling from the sky!] Chaos: o.O "I think I'm about to be deposed." And so with the usual suave bravado of a one-legged swan trying to land, the rest of the fanboys crashed onto Chaos. Everyone flailed around in the dark for a few minutes before managing to figure out just who's limbs were whose. An unimpressed Dark Mayhem looked down at Hysteria, who had glomped onto his leg. "Get the hell off me, Hysteria." "Waaaah!" Hysteria whined. "Hysteria's scared of the dark-chan!" "Shimatta!" Pesti-chan snapped, standing up and looking around. "Chaos, would it kill you to just stop tempting fate and leave the remote control of the gods alone?!" "Aha, but there's the genius of my plan," Chaos countered, leaping onto what he thought was the bed. Of course...it's rather easy to mistake an open window for a mattress. Fortunately, Chaos reverted into SD mode upon diving out the window, and was able to get his li'l limbs flailing so fast he airlifted himself right back into the dorm room. "Now then," he continued. "The way I see it, we can steal the lake god under cover of darkness while Beans isn't around." "What's this 'we' thing?" Dark Mayhem, Carnage and Pesti-chan inquired. Chaos waved that aside. "You're my support group! It would be a crime if I didn't take you along to cheer me on." "Excuse me," Pesti-chan countered. "But you're the only one here who would be donning the pleated skirt and pompoms." Hysteria: ^-^ "Ooooh! Pompom-chans! Pompom-chans!" Pesti: --;; "And just why the hell did she tag along?" Dark Mayhem: "Who do you think helped Chaos concoct this plan?" Chaos: "And just what's wrong with our plan...aside from the fact that Hysteria insisted we all wear kawaii frilly aprons for the operation? It's flawless, I tell you!" Carnage: "Discounting the fact that the lake god isn't in Beans' dorm room, of course." Chaos: o.O Indeed, the burbling aquarium tank usually sitting upon Beans' dresser was missing. Chaos' smile died instantly, the poor otaku suddenly turning into a stone statue of himself that crumbled into pieces moments later. "There has got to be a better way to spend my Saturday nights," Dark Mayhem muttered. "Ne, anyone see where Havoc went to?" Havoc: [outside in the hallway] "Hotcha! Perv Night Two, revisited!" Dorm girls: [stampeding after Havoc] "Give us back our underwear, you Jello-eating freak!" "I can't see anything, period," Pesti-chan replied. "Can someone turn on the lights?" Carnage found the lightswitch and turned it on. Everyone immediately froze upon seeing a new interior decoration Beans had made to her side of the dorm room. "Haiku," Dark Mayhem said, checking out the poetry typed onto the monitor of Yggdrasil. "Ooooh!" Hysteria exclaimed, bouncing on the mattress. "Haiku- chan! Haiku-chan!" She was immediately doused with buckets of cold water from three other fanboys. The Newt-chan was not too impressed about getting soaked. A sweatdrop appeared next to Chaos' head. "Na ni? What's a haiku?" [Cue an SD Dark Schnieder and SD Chaos popping up and taking over the Bean Wars!] SD Chaos-chan: ^-^ "Ohayo! Welcome to another instalment of 'Ask Mister Uber Exploder Wizard,' starring that family favourite--" SD Arshes Nei-chan: [nekkid!] "Mmmm, lick me more, Darshu!" SD Dark Schnieder-chan: [nekkid too!] "Damn, it's good to be me. Itadakimasu!!" SD Chaos-chan: o.O;; [blink blink!] "Um...for those of you with children out there reading this, we apologize for Dark Schnieder's gratuitous butt shot." SD Arshes Nei-chan: "No, we don't." SD Chaos-chan: --;; "Would you put some clothes on?! We're trying to do an obligatory info segment here!" SD Dark Schnieder-chan: [grrrr!] "What were you saying about my woman?" SD Chaos-chan: ^^;; "Nothing! Anyhoo, Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry that contains only 3 lines. It follows the pattern of 5 syllables, 7 syllables, and 5 syllables again on the last line. They don't necessarily have to rhyme; it's the rhythm structure that counts." SD Dark Schnieder-chan: "Oh, I know everything there is about rhythm!" SD Arshes Nei-chan: "Ooh! Harder, Darshu! Harder!" SD Chaos-chan: o.O [frantic li'l otaku] "KYAAAAA!! This isn't a lemonfic, you two! Somebody cue the Bean Wars before we get flamed!" [Cue the Bean Wars again!] Dark Mayhem looked at the lines of poetry. "I'm just impressed Beans started writing haiku," he remarked. "But...all over the walls and furniture of her dorm room?" Pesti- chan asked uneasily, a sweatdrop appearing next to his face. The fanboys all shrank into bug-eyed SD mode as they turned their heads and saw the writing on the wall...and ceiling...and dresser...and floor...and Chaos, who made the mistake of inspecting the haiku on the mirror just a little too closely. "So," Carnage remarked cheerfully. "Anyone else here think Beans finally snapped?" Pesti-chan nodded, eyebrow twitching as he saw another set of haiku poetry written on her pillowcase. "Looks like she's seriously going to thrash you now, Chaos." Chaos waved the notion aside. "Oh, please! Beans is a perfectly calm and rational avatar--aside from being so stubborn about handing over her lake god to me. But just give me one haiku here that stands out as grounds for smiting me." How do I smite you? Slimy Octopus in hand. How long 'til you learn? The Lake God is MINE! I will defend it from you. Prepare to die, Chaos! Is no fanfic safe from your Fanboy advances? Get your own fanfic! How I loath the day that fate brought us together. Soon, we will part ways! When is it enough? The insanity endures. Kami-sama help us all! I write bad haiku because you have driven me way past sanity. "I feel like I'm in a scene from The Shining," Dark Mayhem remarked, staring up at the haiku-covered ceiling. "You might not be too far from it," Carnage replied, quickly slamming shut the haiku-covered door to Beans' room. "A girl just clobbered Havoc two dorm rooms down, and there's a flood of Cream Lemon heading down the hallway." Abruptly the door started to pulsate. Carnage leapt back in surprise, pulling out his Zanba sword. All the fanboys watched in horror as the surface of the door was pushed out to reveal a facial form. Every part of the door rippled as something slowly began to emerge, the figure of a person taking shape before them. "What the hell is that?" Pesti-chan exclaimed. "Maybe Beans contracted a youma out on us," Dark Mayhem said. "Shit, and here I am without a virgin girl to kiss." Carnage grinned. "That just leaves more for me to smite." They braced themselves as the liquid form made one final surge and broke loose from the door. The wooden appearance abruptly vanished, and with a poof! of whipped cream the liquid creature solidified into Havoc. Havoc: ^-^ [V-sign!] "Hotcha! Liquid hentai does it again!" [Cue the facevaults!] Dark Mayhem: "Dammit, Havoc, will you quit pulling stunts like that?!" "This is looking even more crazed than my All Purpose Catgirl Duke NukuNuk'em game," Chaos remarked. He immediately pulled out a pencil and notepad. "I should be taking notes." "So Beans has lost her sanity and declared war on you, Chaos," Pesti-chan said. He stuck his head out the window, taking a quick breath of fresh air after the molten Havoc moment. "So long as she doesn't stalk me, I could care less," Dark Mayhem remarked. "Besides, I'd be impressed if she could find something to handle Carnage's army of Gundams and mecha." Carnage tapped the uber exploder fanboy on the shoulder. "Um, you might want to reconsider that," he said quietly. "My Gundams are all in the shop." Pesti-chan pulled his head back inside. "What happened?" Carnage slowly turned to Hysteria, who was busy sticking a hapless Tora the tiger demon into a kawaii frilly dress so she could take him out for a walk across the campus. Tora: "No! Dammit, how many times to I have to tell you?! Blue is not my colour!!" Hysteria: ^-^ [tee hee!] "Aw, but Tora-chan looks just sooooo kawaii when he's in a kawaii little blue dress-chan, ne? Ne? Ne?" "The little twit of an alleged daughter managed to tip them all over while I was lining them up for their hourly inspection," Carnage lamented. "Everything went down like a series of dominoes! And I scuffed the paint job on my beloved Deathscythe Hell Custom!" Pesti-chan shook his head, also taking the time to swat aside his ensuing sweatdrop. "We need to get that guy a hobby." Chaos: [in SD mode & unimpressedly tapping his foot on the floor] "Are you done hogging my spotlight yet?" Fanboys: "No." "That's it! My turn!" Chaos snapped, yanking the spotlight over to himself--and thus having the entire stage lighting system some two stories up come crashing down on top of him. Hysteria winced. "Aiya. Poor kawaii little Chaos-momma went right through the kawaii little floor-chan that time. Daijobu Chaos-poppa! Hysteria's been training oh so kawaiily with Nurse Angel Ririka, and knows all the kawaii little things about first aid-chan!" Fanboys: [all getting up] "I'm leaving!" Hysteria pulled out her henshin. "Kawaii Fangirl Planet Power, Make up!" A few moments and a sugar-shocked cute transformation sequence later, Sailor Chibi-Haley stepped onto the scene. She pulled out a large and rather ridiculous-looking sceptre from behind her back, pointing it down at Chaos through the large hole in the floor. Hysteria: "Angel Aid Bomb Beam!!" Carnage: "Do you think we should tell her that's actually an explosive attack designed to annihilate the enemy?" Chaos: o.O "ITAAAAAAAAIIIIII!!!!" Dark Mayhem: "I think that's beside the point now." Pesti: [eyebrow twitch!] "I don't understand it; how can a ten year-old like her have breasts like Dota-chan?!" Needless to say, the next few paragraphs were evidently wasted on Chaos dragging his smouldering SD form back into Beans' dorm room. Yet this didn't stop Chaos, for right after he dusted himself off, he launched into his brilliant campaign speech! Dark Mayhem: "If we allowed anything else to slip into that paragraph, we'd never get anywhere in the Beans Wars saga." Pesti & Carnage: "You say that like it's a bad thing." Chaos cleared his throat. Of course, he could have cleared his mind but that task was simple enough, and had been done on a more permanent basis when he was younger. Say, around the age of 2? Chaos: "Actually, I'm very gifted; I have two brains! Of course, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." Pesti: "And here I thought he had his brain donated to science before he was done using it." [Chaos lobs a cow at Pesti-chan, causing the overlord to split into 6 SD versions!] Chaos: "Hush, Pesti-chans!" SD Pesti #2: "Well, there goes our multiplying cameo of the day. The paycheck had better be worth it when we're done." SD Pesti #5: "Ne, Pesti-chan, what are you playing with?" SD Pesti #3: ^-^ "Hotcha! Care to help feed my La Blue Girl Tama-ecchi?" SD Pesti #5: o.O [SD Pesti-chan #5's nose suddenly erupts in a geyser of a nosebleed!] SD Pesti #4: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAA!!! We've got a Pesti down!!" Carnage shook his head as the five other super deformed Pesti- chans scrambled around the room looking for a First Aid kit--only to be subsequently nuked as Hysteria performed another kawaii Bomb Beam attack to help "heal" the nosebleeding Pesti-chan. "Yare yare. Can we get on with the damn plot before dust starts to collect on one of my Aestevalises?" Carnage exclaimed in exasperation. Dark Mayhem nodded. "Please continue ranting, Chaos. We'll just ignore you if we get bored." "Hai!" Chaos agreed cheerfully. "You'll just ignore me if you happen to get--HEY!!" Moments later, Chaos assembled together a large multi-media presentation. However, his pointer was quickly devoured by Catastrophe- chan. Catastrophe: ^^ "chu chu!" Chaos: "Didn't that PQ mascot from Lamune 40 & Fresh tide you over?! (o.O) KYAAAAAAAA!! SHE'S TEETHING AGAIN!!!! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!!" Fortunately, in one last-ditch attempt to actually roll along with the plot, Dark Mayhem smacked Chaos upside the back of the head. "Get on with the damn story already!!" Chaos cleared his throat, turning off the lights and then turning on a slide projector. "There can be no doubt now that Beans is launching a massive counter-offensive against us, and we must be prepared for her attack." Fanboys: "What's this 'we' thing?" Hysteria: ^-^ "Oooh! Kawaii little Hysteria is ready for the kawaii little attack-chan in her kawaii little Mysterious Mecha St. Tallgeese Gundam-chan!" Carnage: [banging his head against the wall] "She...is not...my child!!" [Abruptly the front door opens up.] Dan: [venturing inside] "Um, Beans? You here?" Hysteria: ^-^ "Oooh! Dan-chan!" Dan: o.O [erk!] "Dear lord! YOU AGAIN!!!" [Dan suddenly flees in terror!] Dan: "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! THE PAIN!! THE PAIN!!" Hysteria: "Dan-chan, wait! Hysteria has new kawaii frilly apron-chans for you to try on for tonight's kawaii little tea party-chan! Dan-chan? Dan-chan? Hmph! He escaped." Carnage: [aside to Pesti-chan] "Lucky bastard." "Well, that was an interesting if not useless waste of about ten lines," Dark Mayhem remarked dryly. "Now then, through an expert in covert surveillance," Chaos continued. "I have acquired these strategic photos which will ensure our victory over Greenbeans." "You hired Cameraman Dan to follow her, didn't you?" Pesti-chan inquired. Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "Maybe." He began going through a series of slides. "Here is Beans in her dorm room. Note the lake god...Now here she is eating what I believe to be Lucky Charms. We have yet to validate that possibility." "What are you going to do?" Dark Mayhem inquired. "Try to drop an oversized green clover marshmallow on her?" "Hush, uber exploder Newt-boy!" Pesti-chan passed the salt shaker over to Carnage. "How's your popcorn?" Carnage shrugged. "It could use to be heated a bit more. FIREBALL!!" Seconds later Beans' entire bed was torched. Yet the popcorn was cooked just right! "Delicious!" Carnage sighed, munching on the snack. He glanced over to a charred and very irate Pesti-chan and Dark Mayhem. "Oh, did you guys want some too?" "Moving right along," Chaos cut in, switching slides. "Here we have Beans walking down the hallway of her dorm...Here she is going into the ladies bathroom...Here is Havoc suddenly bounding out of the ladies bathroom with Beans' SD Haruka boxer shorts...And Beans is running out of the bathroom to chase after Havoc and her--" Havoc-chan: ^-^ [crashing right onto Chaos' head] "Hotcha! The Hentenno strikes again! Introducing the newest drink at the Planet Hentai: Hotcha Ocha!" Pesti-chan warily looked at the steaming kettle in Havoc-chan's hands. "Do I even want to know what's in that tea?" "Hmmm," Carnage mulled, pouring himself a cup of the Hotcha Ocha and taking a sip. "Sweet, lemony taste. Hint of cream. Full bodied aroma. Not bad." He paused upon realizing that everyone and their sweatdrops were gawking at him. Carnage frowned and pointed his index finger at Havoc- chan. "BURST ROND!!!" Satisfied that he had covered half the dorm room--not to mention Chaos--in whipped cream, Carnage sighed leisurely. "Please continue." "H-Hai...." Chaos warbled, now halfway through the front door. "Now, as you can see from this next slide, here is Beans about to go to her first class. And here she is at her class, which is--" However, instead of a slide showing Beans, there instead was a slide showing a frantic Chaos being whipped by Dominatrix Michiru & Red Queen Haruka. Fanboys: [sweatdrop!] "......" Hysteria: ^^ "Ooooh! Chaos-poppa looks so kawaii when he's getting whipped by kawaii little Red Queen Haruka-poppa and Dominatrix Michiru- momma, ne? Ne? Ne?" Chaos: o.O "Dammit! I told Cameraman Dan to destroy these ones, not make doubles of them!" Chaos tried the next slide...which showed himself in another position, getting whipped by the Red Queen Haruka and Dominatrix Michiru yet again. Pesti: [turning his head sideways] "How the hell did you manage to get into that position anyways?" Dark Mayhem: [smirk] "Practicing for your Jurian honeymoon with Hotaru, hm?" Havoc-chan: "I myself would have used a tickle whip." Carnage: "WERE WE ASKING YOU?!" * * * And in other news today, in the G Gundam universe (featuring the Mecha Kombat tournament full of the stupidest-looking Gundams ever seen) a new challenger entered the ring. Yes, clad with a moving windmill around it's head, Holland Gundam stepped into the arena to face the mummy- wrapped Egypt Gundam! Pesti: "Incidentally, we are NOT making this up, people." Carnage: --;; [argh!] "I only wish we were." Suddenly who should come riding out of the desert but Don Quixote and his hapless yet equally delusional sidekick, Sancho Panza! Mistaking the Holland Gundam's windmill head for a giant, the valiant and stupid Don Quixote leaped off his trusty steed, Rocinante. "Fly not, cowards and vile beings, for it is a single knight that attacks you!" he exclaimed, racing towards the mobile suit. "Though ye flourish more arms than the giant Briareus, ye have to reckon with me!" The Holland Gundam bent over, pondering this insignificant yet visibly annoying person. It then raised up its foot and promptly stomped on Don Quixote. Holland Gundam vs. Don Quixote...Holland Gundam wins!!! And so ends your daily bit of non-sequitor technobabble. Babbit: ^-^ "Today's game: guess which drug the authors have been using!" Dark Mayhem: "They've been using only *one* drug?" It was morning in Tokyo. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and Havoc was still being chased by Utena for stealing her panties. Utena: "Anthy, quick stalling and get my Sword of Dios out of your cleavage! That perverted twerp is so dead!" Havoc: ^-^ [bounding away] "Oooh, what a saucy little revolutionary minx she is. Utena-chan, Juri just challenged the both of us to a Rule 3 duel in Planet Hentai's Jello wrestling arena!" Riot: [watching the spectacle] "I'll never understand that fanboy." Ruckus: ^-^ "Oooh! Miki, you're so damned cute! Get your stopwatch- toting rear over here and let me revolutionize *your* world!" Miki: [panicky li'l student council treasurer] "The letters from End of World never said anything about this!" Riot: --;; "Most dishonourable. Ruckus, will you stop that anything-goes martial arts bishounen fondling-fu of yours?" Meanwhile, in the fanboys' apartment, Chaos was gracefully gliding across the living room, his tiptoes just blurs of super-deformed feet. Happily humming "Give A Reason" to himself, he proceeded to dance like he wanted to win in his new slinky evening gown. Needless to say, upon leaving his room and seeing our cross- dressing hero (baka?) prancing down the halls, Pesti-chan was wide awake whether he wanted to be or not. He scratched his head as he observed the unusually jubilant Chaos. "What's with him?" he yawned, shuffling over to the kitchen. Dark Mayhem shook his head as he watched Chaos tapdance right up the walls and onto the ceiling--until he realized that he was upside- down. Then gravity unceremoniously yanked Chaos back onto the floor. "I have not the slightest idea," the uber exploder fanboy replied. "I come out here to make breakfast, and he's doing his best Fairy Princess Ren impression...minus the nonsensical fairy babble." Chaos: ^-^ "Yes! My 'Lost Tenchi Universe' Chaosfic has become one of the top ten best fanfics of all time on the Net. And now I'm going to be interviewed for it too! Hooray for me!" Naturally, sweatdrops ensued. Dark Mayhem turned back to Pesti-chan. "Okay, now we've got the nonsensical fairy babble," he stated. "Chaos," Pesti-chan spoke up. "You're not actually serious that a fic of yours has garnered *good* publicity?" Chaos tossed Pesti-chan and Dark Mayhem a piece of paper that had been intricately folded into a stunning design. Dark Mayhem held it up for all to see. Pesti: [sweatdrop!] "It's in the shape of a pair of panties." Dark Mayhem: "Maybe this interview request was meant for Havoc." Chaos: --;; "No, it's for me. Right after I read it, Havoc-chan popped up and turned it into another origasmi masterpiece of hers." One of Dark Mayhem's eyebrows raised up as he unfolded the paper and scanned the contents. "Son of a bitch, Chaos isn't kidding. But what kind of deranged mind would want to interview the idiot who created that stupid 'The Moonlight Carries The Message of Love Boat' mini-series?" "Didn't Chaos nearly get burned at the stake as a Sailor Moon heretic for writing that one?" Pesti-chan asked. Dark Mayhem nodded. "Hai hai." "Hmph!" Chaos sniffed indignantly. "A fat lot of good you guys did to help me in that situation." Pesti-chan shrugged. "Hey, we brought the marshmallows and the hotdogs. What did you want from us?" "Some Grey Poupon might have been nice," Chaos retorted. "Sarcasm used up the entire bottle last Tuesday," Pesti-chan said. "She had said something about wanting a Marron and Zelgadis sandwich...I didn't ask." "Good call," Chaos and Dark Mayhem chorused. Just then Carnage emerged from his hangar bay, clad in a smouldering bathrobe. "Ohayo gozaimasu," he remarked cheerfully, taking a seat at the dining room table. Dark Mayhem appraised the smoking robe. "Rei and Miyu both tried to serve you breakfast in bed again?" Carnage nodded. "I wasn't about to complain, since today they decided to share me. I got to alternate being spoon-fed between them." His eyes narrowed. "And then *someone* had to show up and mistake one of Desolation's pomegranates of vengeance for a real pomegranate!" "Gomen, Carnage-poppa!" Hysteria's voice called out from the closet. "Would you stop calling me that?!" Carnage snapped. He glared at Chaos. "It's your fault she's this stupid, Chaos. Your genes, not mine!" "My genes?!" Chaos exclaimed. "I'll have you know that I'm wearing a dress right now!" Carnage opened his mouth to say something in rebuttal, yet found himself at a lack for retorts. However, the words came to him a few moments later...in the form of a "VAL-FLARE!!" With a sigh, Dark Mayhem tried to fan the smoke from Chaos' charred form away from his breakfast. "Yare yare. Chaos, you know better than to get Carnage aggravated before he's had his morning tea." Just then, Carnage noticed Chaos' interview request. After downing six cups of green tea just to stop his sudden eyebrow-twitching fit, Carnage was thus able to listen to Dark Mayhem and Pesti-chan explain the situation. "Are you sure he didn't just mail this to himself and forget about that fact?" he asked. "Wouldn't be the first time," Pesti-chan replied, watching Chaos happily dance around the living room--right until Catastrophe-chan got a hold of his arm. After that, Chaos' actions could hardly be considered graceful. Although he had nice form in unwittingly flinging himself off the balcony. Dark Mayhem merely shook his head. "As much as I hate to say it, this looks legitimate. In light of this, I vote we join Chaos on this little interview." Pesti-Chan and Carnage gave the uber exploder fanboy incredulous looks. "And just what youma would have to possess us to let that happen?" Carnage inquired dryly. "Look," Dark Mayhem said. "I want to see just what sort of delusional otaku actually thinks Chaos is a good fic writer. After that, we can beat the crap out of 'em for encouraging Chaos to write more stories." "I'm in!" the other two fanboys piped up. * * * [That afternoon at a random non-descript battle location....] With a merry hop, skip and a jump right into an unforeseen pothole, Chaos appeared ready for his interview. Dressed in one of his favourite skirts, he spent his time memorizing small cue cards with witty repartee written on them. Unfortunately, Rampage decided to make an appearance and promptly ate the cue cards. Chaos: o.O "And my arm too! KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Rampage: ^-^ *CHOMP!* "CHU CHU!" Sweatdrops appearing next to their heads, the other three fanboys sighed and found a perfect spot to set up their beach umbrellas and lawn chairs. Strangely enough though, they weren't alone. "What are you doing here?" Pesti-chan asked. Anarchy lifted the sunglasses off her nose and smiled. "Simple: if you smite him, I shall come." "And here we thought Chaos might actually be interviewed," Carnage remarked, reclining on his chair. "Any bets on whose turn it is to thrash him?" So as the wagers were made, Chaos finally managed to get himself free of Rampage. However it appeared his troubles were far from over. He abruptly froze, shivering involuntarily. As if sensing a dark presence nearby. Slowly he turned his head and saw Beans standing a few steps away. She was dressed a little differently than usual. The 'Byte Me' shirt was gone, replaced by an overall ensemble of tight black clothing. Not only that, but she was also wearing a trenchcoat and wore a pair of sunglasses. "I've been waiting for you, Chaos," she stated. A sweatdrop appeared next to Chaos' head. "Beans? What are you doing here?" His eyes widened. "Masaka! When you heard about the rave reviews Lost Tenchi Universe was getting, you were overcome with jealousy and kidnapped the interviewer! This is low even for an author avatar like you. As retribution, I demand you hand me your lake god." However, Beans' eyebrow was twitching a little too fiercely for her to reply nicely. She opened the folds of her trenchcoat, revealing rows of octopi hanging on the inner lining--and even more octopi strapped to her sides. "Chaos," she shouted, priming her smite. "Shin'ne!" The fanboy in question dodged the terrified flying octopus that was hurled at him. "Ha! Is that supposed to scare me?" Seconds later a massive squid dropped out from the skies and crash-landed on top of him. Yet that didn't seem to stop the fanboy as he wriggled out from beneath the blinking invertebrate. "I'll end this once and for all, Beans!" he proclaimed, striking a pose. "The lake god is mine!!" He counter-attacked with a volley of cows. Unfortunately, the wind shifted directions and the cows boomeranged. A frantic SD Chaos shrieked and tried to take cover as stunned-looking bovines dropped from the heavens above. "Oh yeah, she's pissed at him," Pesti-chan remarked. Dark Mayhem: [munching on the complimentary popcorn] "How long do you think he'll last?" Anarchy: "Don't blink." Indeed, the battling was fast and fierce...and decidedly not in Chaos' favour. He quickly removed one of the many octopi stuck to his body. "You can help me anytime now," he said in an aside to his fellow overlords. "You do a fine job of making an ass of yourself without our help," his sweet sister encouraged while tossing back some more Sake. "CHAOS!!" An enraged Beans prepared a smiting that would surely leave him feeling it in the morning. Abruptly Chaos popped up next to her, his kawaii kitty ears sprouting out from his hair. "Waaaaaait a minute!" he exclaimed. "If you're just here to smite me, does that mean I'm not going to be interviewed for writing Lost Tenchi Universe?" "No!" Beans stated. "I wrote that to sucker you into coming here, and you walked right into my trap!" Chaos snapped his fingers. "Damn. That means I wore this dress all for nothing." Seconds later another large octopus was dropped on top of him. He pulled himself out from beneath the smite, eyes narrowing at Beans. "Toying with an innocent otaku's dreams of becoming the best fanfic writer on the Net; refusing to give the lake god to its rightful owner; and now, ruining my favourite dress," Chaos growled, pulling out his henshin. "This crime is unforgivable! Fanboy Planet Power: Make Up!!" Everyone immediately averted their eyes as Chaos did the obligatory transsexual transformation bit, reappearing before Beans clad in a sailor battle fuku. "You've gone too far this time, Beans," he--er, she stated, making a Sailor Moon arm gesture with his middle finger at Beans. "Prepare for Bathtub-fu!" [Cue Desolation walking into the scene!] Desolation: "Hey, guys! How's it--?" Suddenly a massive bathtub crashed down on top of Desolation. "I take it I came at a bad time," the lost fanboy remarked from beneath the tub. Yet it was more what was in the tub that concerned the now female Chaos. She stuck her finger into what should have been water, drawing out instead a piece of lime green Jello. "What the hell?" she muttered. Suddenly who should rise out from the Jello but the fair--! Lita: [looking around] "What happened?" Chaos: ^^ "Mako-chan!" Havoc-chan: [popping out of the Jello] "Do you mind, Chaos? I'm trying to have a quiet evening at Lita's here!" And with that, Havoc pulled the shower curtain closed. Chaos could only stutter and absently point at the tub. "But...Mako- chan...Lita...nekkid...Jello...HAVOC!!!" "You rang?" Havoc inquired, dropping in from above and landing on Chaos' head. The Hentenno quickly glanced over his shoulder as Chaos' limbs twitched in the ground. "Hotcha! Can't talk, gotta perv. Utena's still pissed because I stole all three pairs of woollen panties off one of those shadow puppet girls." "H-Hai...." Chaos warbled. Off Havoc bounded, Utena still giving chase. Havoc also chose that moment to swish past the steaming Beans to relieve her of some unnecessary articles of clothing. Beans muttered something under her breath at Havoc that probably shouldn't be repeated in front of small children...unless they happen to be Crayon Shin-chan. Yet fortunately enough, on his way by Havoc dropped the Remote Control of the Gods. Beans unleashed her smite at Havoc (missing the Hentenno completely and unquestionably clobbering Desolation) before bending over to pick it up. "Ah ha!! The remote!" she crowed. "Now I can activate the Fangate!" "Beans, give it here," Chaos ordered. "That is not a little toy to use at your leisure. You have to read the owner's manual first." Pesti: [turning to Dark Mayhem] "That thing had a manual?" Dark Mayhem: [shrug!] "Rampage ate it before F1!'s Omake Theatre even had a chance to appear." Rampage: ^-^ [burrrp!] "CHU CHU!" Beans laughed evilly. "Die, Chaos!" she proclaimed. She stabbed the buttons that would send him off to the Anime her and her co-conspirators had chosen for his doom. And with a loud CLICK!, both Beans and Chaos vanished from the fic. "What?" Carnage asked, looking around. "That's it? No gratuitous explosions? No kick-ass mecha? What kind of a war is this anyways?!" Dark Mayhem merely sipped his Ecchichino. "Don't look at me mecha- boy. I'm not the author." "Good thing too," Pesti-chan said. "You and Ami would be in the jacuzzi before the first sentence could be finished." Dark Mayhem sat up in his chair, lowering his shades. "And what's so different about that and this series?" "In your version, the jacuzzi doesn't explode in a ball of fire two sentences later." "Touché." Anarchy grinned and took another slug of Sake. "Isn't this a great war, or what?" [Cue the eyecatch!] Thanks to Jelynne for making the offside remark, "Just what happened to Pluto at the end of the Cameofic?" Thus we wound up with John Williams getting a lot more than he bargained for. And much rejoicing goes out to Nightbreak for not only thinking up "Duke NukuNuk'em," but also for being our unwitting cameo guest star o' the fic...attributed mainly to the fact that we whacked him on the back of the head with a Wifflebat when he wasn't looking, stuffed him into a generic-brand potato sack and paddywacked him to an undisclosed set at Studio Anipike for his scene. But I feel I should also quote from Nightbreak himself: >Okay, that's it. If I ever end up in a cameo role, I'll unleash >the full power of the NekoSenshi. > >*Nightbreak sits back in his director's chair, surrounded his >eight Neko-Senshi. Nine if you count Neko-Black Lady...what the >hell is she doing here? O.o Then again, who cares? > >Ami and Makoto are sitting by his feet, Rei and Setsuna at his >arms, and Minako is leaning on his shoulders. Haruka and Hotaru >stand behind him. Usagi and Black Lady have gotten into a >"catfight" again* > >Prepare for Yarn-fu, Chaos! His lordship Chaos: "This is all I have to say in rebuttal: you'll have to go through Chaos to get to me, Nightbreak! Nyaaaaaaah!!" Chaos: ^^ "Hai! You'll have to go through--(o.O) WHAT?!" SD His lordship Chaos: [pulling down his eyelid & sticking out his tongue at Nightbreak] "Piiiiiidaaaaaa!!" Chaos: [irate li'l SD fanboy] "DO I LOOK LIKE A SCRATCHING POST?!" His lordship Chaos: "Well, you do have the kawaii kitty ears." Chaos: --;;; [out pops the kawaii kitty ears!] "We have seriously got to talk about renegotiating my contract here." OMAKE THEATRE!!! [Cue SD versions of the two Bean Wars authors walking onto the screen, His lordship Chaos dressed up like X's Sorata Arisagawa, and Greenbeans being dressed up like Sailor Uranus.] His lordship Chaos: [V-sign!] "Greetings!" Greenbeans: "Berf." His lordship Chaos: [???] "Berf? What's that?" Greenbeans: "A berf is a berf." His lordship Chaos: [shaking his head] "And you call me the strange one." Greenbeans: [hmph!] "That's quite the thing to say to the co-writer of the Bean Wars." His lordship Chaos: "Did I say it was a bad thing?" Greenbeans: ^^ "Much better! I am appeased." [Greenbeans politely offers His lordship Chaos some of the tuna casserole she just made.] Greenbeans: :> "Care to celebrate the first official collaboration of our creative efforts?" His lordship Chaos: [warily eyeing the casserole] "......" Greenbeans: "No octopi in it, honest!" [She abruptly slaps down a tentacle that isn't quite hiding itself well enough amongst the noodles.] His lordship Chaos: --;; "Ano...I think I'll pass. But it's interesting to note that for both College Life and Curse of the Fanboys!, this is the first time we've both contributed to the story. Usually we just act as consultants to each other." Greenbeans: [growl] "I didn't see you consulting me in The Authors Must Be Crazy, buddy." His lordship Chaos: [shrug!] "Don't get your fuku in a knot." Greenbeans: "There were no fukus to knot up because they were on the floor next to Haruka and Michiru's bed!" His lordship Chaos: "Okay, so I took a little artistic license." Greenbeans: "A little?! You call me waking up with Haruka and Michiru 'a little'?!" His lordship Chaos: "My, that's a nasty twitch you've developed." Greenbeans: "I note a lot of your associates get that when they're around you. Such as the psychiatrists." His lordship Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "And with that out of the way, let's look at how the Bean Wars evolved into the insanity its become in this fic." Greenbeans: >.< "You started this entire battle for the lake god, might I remind you." His lordship Chaos: "I didn't see you objecting when Chaos got duct- taped to the wall." Greenbeans: "That was different." His lordship Chaos: "Anyhoo, interestingly enough the Bean Wars was something both Greenbeans and myself created on separate ends. I had some of the ideas, such as Chaos storming her dorm room, or sending Havoc after her lake god." Greenbeans: "And I devised the ideas of Beans lobbing Chaos through the Animes you'll be reading about in part III." His lordship Chaos: "Just what possessed you to write that Totoro/Lion King crossover anyways?" Greenbeans: [defensive] "It was late, and I was very tired. Same thing happened when I wrote all those haikus. But all our writing certainly makes for an interesting saga." His lordship Chaos: [sulking] "I don't see why you left me with having to do so much editing." Greenbeans: "I can't write Chaos like you do. You have a natural talent for knowing how to depict idiot savants." His lordship Chaos: ^^ "Arigato! It comes from personal experience." Greenbeans: "Figured as much. Look, just why did we have to do a Cosplay thing for the Omake Theatre?" His lordship Chaos: "No reason. I just thought you'd look cute in a fuku. And damned if I don't look sexy as one of the Sky Dragons." Greenbeans: --;; "You really are an evil Ed Wood, you know that?" His lordship Chaos: "You can't be a merely normal author to inflict the mindless smitings I perform on my characters." Greenbeans: "I've been meaning to ask you about that. Just why are you so abusive to your own avatar incarnation?" His lordship Chaos: ^^ "Because Chaos is just so fun to tease." Chaos: [stomping onto the Omake] "I heard that!! And I refuse to believe that I hold any incarnative relation to this sadist!" His lordship Chaos: [looking stern] "Now is that any way to talk your father." Chaos: o.O Greenbeans: [waving a hand in front of Chaos' face] "He's frozen from the shock." His lordship Chaos: ^^ "Didn't I tell you he looks so adorable when I tease him?" Greenbeans: [shaking her head] "Remind me to never venture within fifty feet of your psychosis." His lordship Chaos: "Aw, does this mean you won't write on his face with magic marker?" Greenbeans: ^^v "Got any blue?" [End!]