a long time ago,
			 in a fanfic far, far away...


	[Cue the stirring John Williams theme music!]

Anarchy & Tasuki: [absolutely smashed] "Sake Sake hot, Sake Sake cold! 
Sake Sake hot, Sake Sake cold! Sake Sake hot--!"

Sarcasm: ^^ [with more booze!] "Plum Wine!!"

	[--;;   Ano...let's try that again.]	



				Lord Chaos presents
			  A Bean Goddess! production


				   BEAN WARS!!!
			   Episode 1: The SD Menace



	"Why Bean Wars?" you might ask.
	Well, why not? The usually endearing and always sadistic 
squirmishes which feature the self-inserted characters of Chaos and 
Beans has always been something fun to rant about. It's impressive that 
two authors can have their characters feuding so much in the fanfics, 
and in actuality get along quite well together. Though it's unconfirmed 
as to whether or not this is because Chaos *always* winds up on the 
receiving end of the smites.
	This marks the 1-year anniversary of Curse of the Fanboys!'s 
inauguration. About twelve months ago the very first fanboys fanfic was 
written by His lordship Chaos and then posted on Greenbeans' webpage. 
Ever since, the battle for the lake god as an official mascot has 
continued--though mainly at the behest of Chaos.
	Perhaps it is fitting then that such a milestone of hyper and 
super-deformed insanity should be capped off with one of the greatest 
rivalries in the history of Anime fandom. Bean Wars!!! marks the 
collaborated efforts on both our parts, and has probably been one of the 
funniest fics I've been able to work on.
	But before the battle really begins, let's journey back over a 
whole year's worth of smites, stupidity and flying sashimi. It's time 
to see just how the Bean Wars first came about, and how everything 
escalated from there. To think it's all because Greenbeans decided one 
day that a lake god in an aquarium would make the perfect dorm pet. ^^

					*	*	*
	Greenbeans presents: THE BEANIE RANT

In a time not long enough ago, in a city not far enough away, began a 
phenomena that soon seized the net.  What followed was Chaos.  And 
Anarchy, Mayhem, Pestilence, Havoc, and Carnage, but I haven't gotten 
that far into the story yet.  Indeed, it was the Curse of the Fanboys!  
What happened later came to be called the Bean Wars...

[intro/title bit]

Our story, like all stories, began innocently enough one day with a 
bean.  Not a literal bean, of course, unless you chose to believe the 
tax return that was filed to the IRS, but we shan't discuss that, 'kay?

This bean lived a good life, a happy life.  She was the top of her 
game, a front line player, some even called her Queen until *they* 
showed up.

I know what you're thinking.  "Now she's going to go into a rant about 
how the Fanboys ruined things for her."  And you know what?  You're 
right!  I expect you to pay avid attention because there *will* be a 
quiz on this at the end of the fic.

As I was saying, the anime world was a peaceful place pre-Fanboys.  
Don't get me wrong, this world is big enough for multiple self-inserted 
characters, so it isn't a jealousy thing.  What got to me is Chaos' 
insistence on procuring a certain mascot of mine.

-----
[Fanboys 1, Part 2]

	Mayhem shook his head. "Chaos, Beans put that lake god there for 
a reason, and I for one do not want it burbling angrily at me. You want 
it as a new mascot, you get to clean the fish tank."
	Chaos finished clicking a few more keystrokes. "Too late. Within 
the hour Beans' lake god shall be ours. Don't worry; what harm could 
possibly be fall us?"

-----

See?!  He wasn't content with that garbage disposal of a mascot of his, 
Rampage.  Noooooooo, he had to taint *my* mascot with his Fanboy ways 
as well.  What choice do I have but to retaliate?

-----
[Fanboys 2, Part II]

	"This is strange," Pesti-chan said. "Where is Chaos anyways?"
	They got their answer as they looked over by the computer and the 
place where Beans' lake god in the aquarium had once sat. There in its 
place was a completely terrified Chaos, all wrapped up nice and the 
cute like with duct tape (the handy otaku's secret weapon!). Written in 
permanent black marker across his forehead were the words: "BYTE ME."

-----

I'm not going for sympathy.  It's not that at all.  I'm quite capable 
of handling Chaos myself as you can see.  But you have to understand 
that no matter how many times I've smited him; he just won't take a 
clue.  Like the concept of 'keep your grubby Fanboy paws off my 
aquarium' is such a difficult thing to understand. 

And it didn't end with his obsession with the lake god.  He developed a 
compulsive obsession to make my life miserable!  Showing up at the most 
inopportune times!

Alas, I am but a tormented artist.

-----
[Fanboys 5, Part II]

	"Excuse me for this," Beans said, studying Chaos' face. "But have 
we met before somewhere?"
	Chaos tried to mask the wave of terror that struck, grabbing hold 
of his sweatdrop and hiding it behind his back. "Um...no! Why you ask?"
	Beans shook her head. "You just look so familiar somehow. I must 
be imagining things."
	"Hai!" a relieved Chaos agreed cheerfully, taking a step forward. 
However his female form managed to stub a toe, and with the usual 
gracefulness of the one-legged swan Chaos shrieked and crashed into the 
water.
	"Shimatta!" Chaos exclaimed, coughing and rising out from beneath 
the surface. "This just isn't my night!" Chaos gave an innocent look 
over at Beans, Haruka and Michiru. "Hm? Is something wrong?"
	Beans had practically recoiled to the other side of the 
hotspring, while Haruka and Michiru were still seated in their same 
places but with eyes wide in utter shock. Chaos' smile slowly faded, 
and he looked down at himself. Super deformedness struck a second 
later.
	"HOLY SHIT!" he exclaimed. "I'M A GUY AGAIN!!"

-----

What a *nightmare* that was!  Here I was, enjoying a traditional 
Japanese bath when *HE* showed up!!  Can you spell S-T-A-L-K-E-R?  I 
knew you could.

This, this FANBOY even had the temerity on TWO occasions to show up on 
my doorstep to torment me!  First he landed face first into the world 
of College Life and then he showed up at my place of employ.  I shan't 
go into those incidents since they'll only raise my blood pressure a 
few hundred points.  Needless to say, I was not amused.

Indeed, two of my most humiliating moments have been at the hands of 
the Fanboys.  When Havoc's inner hentai was released, I was one of its 
victims. Ophelia still won't talk to me about what happened over 
Christmas...

-----
[Fanboys Christmasfic, Part 2]

	Carnage abruptly pulled back another fusama, his eyes wide. "Hey, 
guys!" he exclaimed. "You had better get in here quick!  Somethin' 
freaky just happened to Beans!"
	Chaos, Mayhem and Pesti-chan leaped through the door (Chaos 
suddenly tripping and falling to the floor thanks to Polaris snagging 
his foot) just in time to see Beans chasing Ophelia around the room.

Beans: ^-^ "Hotcha! Ophelia-chan, come to Hentenno-sama!"

Ophelia: [frantically lobbing Chocolate Pockymons at Beans!] "Did that 
Begging Favours rant we did with JoanM make you go insane?!"

	The fanboys blinked, uncertain of what to say.
	"Havoc...just possessed Beans?" Pesti-chan said.

-----

It wasn't enough that I make a fool of myself in the eyes of one of my 
dear friends and co-authors.  The Chaos continued...

-----
[Fanboys Christmasfic, Part 2]

	"Please accept my apologies on behalf of everyone here," Beans 
continued. "We had hoped for something a little less grand and a lot 
less ecchi, but you know these otaku."
	"Hai hai," Naoko lamented. 
	"The rest of us here try to do a good job when it comes to Sailor 
Moon fanfics," Beans added. "We work hard no matter how drafty we 
feel...Drafty?!"
	Sure enough, Beans suddenly found herself sans panties. A large 
sweatdrop appeared next to her head as she reverted into SD mode, teary 
Bambi-eyes looking up to the illustrious and revered creator of Sailor 
Moon. 

Beans: "M-Masaka."

Naoko: ^-^ [twirling Beans' panties on her index finger] "Hotcha! 
Silken treasures for Hentenno-sama! I was unaware you had little SD 
Haruka patterns on your panties Beans."

-----

How do you expect me to live this insult down?!  The beloved creator of 
Sailormoon stole my *panties*.  And I didn't exactly appreciate the net 
learning about the Haruka pattern either!

Everyone realizes Chaos' defeat except him.

-----
[Fanboys 8, Part I]

	"Beans will always win; it's a set law in our fanfics. You can't 
escape contractual obligations," Pesti-chan said, flopping down in his 
own chair. "Give it up, Chaos. The lake god's hers. Period."
	"Never!!!" Chaos proclaimed. "Just one arm wrestle with Beans to 
prove that I am the better deserving one for the lake god! Does she 
have a problem with that?!"
	"Apparently so," Mayhem replied, dousing himself with a kettle of 
warm water. "I just got a reply back from Beans about your failed 
Indiana Chaos attempt. And I quote: "'Ha ha ha ha ha...ha ha!!!!!!'"
	Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "Must you use so many exclamation 
points, Mayhem?"
	Mayhem shrugged in response. "Hey, it's what she had written. And 
after that last Omakefic of yours, can you blame her?"

-----

Indeed, Chaos has thrown down the gauntlet with this!  I've humored his 
obsession for long enough.  Once and for all I will firmly establish 
that the lake god is mine.  For such a noble cause, I will brave rain, 
sleet, and hail.  (Which he's been dumping on me in vast quantities in 
numerous emails. 'Hail!' yourself Chaos!)

This score *will* be settled!  I have a plan that will smite Chaos once 
and for all! <evil laughter>


					*	*	*
	His lordship Chaos presents: THE dysFUNctional RANT!!!

Chaos: [indignant sniff!] "I don't see why she's got her pantyhose in 
such a knot. We both know I'm the better one between the two of us who 
deserves the lake god. It's simple math."

Dark Mayhem: "Such as the law of 'Chaos + Beans - Chaos' brain = smited 
fanboy'."

Chaos: [dousing Dark Mayhem with cold water!] "When I want an 
editorial, I'll ask for it, Uber Exploder Newt-boy!"

Pesti: "Well he does have a point; you did start this entire Bean War."

Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "It's not my fault, and I can prove it with this 
clip from one of our earliest Omakefics!"

-----
[Fanboys! Omakefic 1: Fanboys In College!!!]

	"So that just leaves the question as to where Chaos went," Haruka 
said.
	Mayhem glanced over to Pesti-chan. "You don't think he'd be 
stupid enough to...?"
	Pesti-chan nodded. "Oh, Chaos is stupid enough to try that." He 
turned to Beans. "Beans, you had better check your dorm room and fast."
	Suddenly there was a loud triumphal shout.
	"I have the lake god!" Chaos cackled racing down the halls with 
the fish tank over his head. "Ha ha! I have Beans' mascot! It's all 
mine, I tell you! MINE!! Pesti-chan, get the remote control of the gods 
ready!"

-----

Chaos: o.O  "......"

Dark Mayhem: "Ne, Chaos, could you refresh me memory as to where in 
that last clip were you were portrayed as the innocent one?"

Chaos: "Hush!"

Pesti: [sigh!] "And yet despite all the beatings he's taken, he hasn't 
even realized he's doomed."

Chaos: "Hey! I'll have you know that the ones in the sailor fukus are 
always the ones who win in the end."

Dark Mayhem: "Well, you'll only win by default if you wear that fuku 
while you're still male, Chaos. Beans'll just die from the shock of 
seeing a Senshi with armpit hair."

	[Chaos dumps a bucket of cold water on Dark Mayhem!]

Chaos: "I'll have you know I shaved last week, Newt Schneider."

Newt Schneider: --;;  "......"

Chaos: "Besides, what could some second-rate self inserted avatar like 
Beans possibly do to a fanboy like me?"

-----
[Excerpt from an Email rant with Beans vs. Chaos]

>um.. fulfill your worse nightmare.. reply with a multitude 
>of taunts and childish remarks >)

Carnage: "Well, I'd say she's already covered both of those."

Pesti: "What about the nightmare part?"

Hysteria: "Wah! Chaos-poppa, have you seen Makoto-momma anywhere?"

Haruka: [with Space Sword!] "DUO...!!!"

Naoko Takeuchi: [with 1000t mallet!] "CHAOS...!!!"

Hotaru: [with Silence Glaive!] "CHAOS-CHAN...!!!"

Chaos: o.O  [eep!] "Um...Jo'o-sama?"

Mayhem: "You were saying, Pesti-chan?"

-----

Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "A-Ano...."

Pesti: "See, Chaos? I hate to break it to you...no, *Beans* has always 
been the one to literally break it to you. The lake god is hers. 
Period."

Chaos: "Since when has she ever voiced such objections over me taking 
*my* lake god home to our apartment?"

-----
[A Fanboys! Rant: Interrupting "Begging Favours"]

Beans: "What the hell are you doing here again?!"

Chaos: "Beans! I should have known you were behind this! It was you who 
played with the tracking just to bring us here and try to stop me from 
stealing your lake god, which I rightly deserve as our fanfics' 
mascot!"

JoanM: [sweatdrop!] "Na ni? Who are these people?!"

Beans: [lobbing terrified octopuses at Chaos!] "Take this! And this! 
And this and this and this and this and this!"

Chaos: [now covered in terrified octopuses] "I sense hostility over me 
taking the lake god."

-----

Pesti: "Believe us now, Chaos?"

Chaos: "Hmmm...she must have been delerious from trying to write that 
lemon for Setsuna. I'm sure she'll regain her senses soon enough and 
hand that aquarium over."

	[Cue the facevaults!]

Dark Mayhem: [dousing himself with warm water] "Give it up, Pesti-chan. 
Even when given a clue, Chaos has still never figured out what to do 
with it."

-----
[Oscar: Resurrection, Moviefic 1]

	"And right here, in this state of the art containment aquarium, I 
have a place ready to house a lake god!" Chaos cackled, launching into 
a scary but dumb-looking SD version of himself as he launched into a 
Katsuhiko Jinnai cackle. "MWAH HAH HA HAH HAH HA!!! Now Beans will have 
no choice but to hand over her lake god to me to ensure that this 
precious and pricelss collection of Anime gods remains together!"
	Mayhem turned to the underlord in training. "Pesti-chan."
	"Hai?"
	"Don't ask. Just duck."
	"HER LAKE GOD WILL BE MINE!! MWAH HAH HA HA HA HAH HA HA H-!!!!"
	Chaos' Jinnai cackle came to an abrupt end as suddenly a 
terrified flying octopus smacked Chaos in the forehead and latched onto 
his face.
	"You were saying?" Mayhem remarked, unable to hide his amused 
grin.
	"Hush, Newt-boy!" Chaos said, going SD and sticking his tongue 
out at Mayhem. He grabbed the remote control of the gods and started 
punching the channel buttons. "Ha ha! I have you now, my pretty! And 
your little lake god too!"

	[CLICK!]

	"There it is," Chaos sighed, watching the waters of the aquarium 
burble at him. "Oh look, and she's got all kinds of kawaii little 
fishies too! How thoughtful of her to leave these for me!"
	The other two fanboys warily stepped back from the tank.
	Chaos stuck his fingers into the water and splashed them around. 
"Ohayo, little lake god fishies! How are you feeling to--KYAAAAAA!!"
	Mayhem and Pesti-chan swatted aside their sweatdrops as the 
burbling waters exploded into a frothing frenzy, and nearly yanked 
Chaos into the aquarium.
	"KYAAA!!" a bug-eyed SD Chaos shrieked. "BEANS ARMED THIS THING 
WITH PIRANHAS!!! TASUKETEEEE!!!"

-----

Chaos: [crossing his arms over his chest] "If you ask me, this entire 
war is Beans' fault. She just can't recognize a true genius like 
myself."

Dark Mayhem: "Funny. We've been saying that exact same thing about you 
since the start of our series, Chaos."

Chaos: "Aha haaaaa...cute. Yet I shall be the one who shall ultimately 
triumph at the end of the Bean Wars!!"

Pesti: "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth, Chaos."


Havoc: ^-^ "Hai! Now who could ever forget this classic Fanboys! 
scene?"

-----
[Curse of the Fanboys 5, Part II]

	Chaos counted down the seconds on his wristwatch. "Get ready, 
Pesti-chan! Minako should be stepping out of the front doors below us 
right about...now!"
	And with that, he promptly booted Havoc off the roof. With the 
suave and grace that only a Hentenno-sama could have in such a punting, 
Havoc swan-dived to the ground below.
	Pesti-chan glanced down at the bungee cords attached to Havoc's 
legs, and shook his head. "I still can't believe we're doing this."
	They both peered over the edge as the front doors were opened, 
and out stepped Sailor Venus in her everyday persona of Minako. "Ah!" 
Minako sighed, stretching out her arms. "Time for Aino Minako-chan to 
hit the city and get a boyfriend!!"
	How little did she realize a bungee-jumping pervert was about to 
enter her life. A moment later Havoc's bungee cords reached maximum 
stretch, and in that split second where he hovered mere inches above 
Minako's head, Havoc proceeded to flawlessly rip off all her clothes 
and strip her completely nekkid. The bungee cord snapped back, flinging 
Havoc away from Minako and back to the skies.
	A rather stunned and nekkid Minako stood there, blinking in utter 
shock. Which was warranted if one day you step out from classes to 
suddenly discover your worst nightmare has come to life and you're buck 
naked at school. (Though most of us are usually wearing only underwear 
in said nightmares, ne?)
	"N-n-n-na ni?" Minako stammered hesitantly, feeling the somewhat 
cool draft blow past all of her.
	Mayhem appraised the scene with his binoculars, still posing as a 
tree. "Shimatta, she doesn't have a tatoo," he said through his 
communications headset. "You might as well have Havoc go back down." 
Mayhem adjusted the binoculars. "Hey! She's an actual blonde too!"
	"I *don't* want to know how you figured that one out," Chaos' 
voice crackled over the headset. 
	Mayhem shrugged. "Hai hai. But her racing stripe is kinda 
kawaii."
	"ECCHI!!!!" Chaos voice shouted, rattling Mayhem and his headset, 
Mayhem's eyes bugging out amidst the spasms.
	"Yare yare," Mayhem muttered. 
	But getting back to the nekkid flash at hand, on the rebound 
Havoc launched himself back into maximum stretch, flinging Minako's 
clothes back onto her and then bouncing back onto the roof. Having been 
stripped nekkid for only three seconds in what seemed to be the windy 
draft from Skima hell, Minako carefully touched her blouse and skirt. 
With a very wary and frightened glance around the courtyard, Minako 
slowly backed away from the school building.
	Atop the roof, Chaos and Pesti-chan let out a sigh of relief. 
"Shimatta!" Chaos said. "That was intense! But we managed to strip 
Minako naked without her realizing we were the ones responsible!"
	"One down, eight more to go," Pesti-chan remarked, scratching 
Minako's name off the list. He glanced over at Havoc, who was climbing 
back over the ledge. "I'm impressed you actually decided to give her 
back her uniform, Havoc."
	Havoc grinned. "Oh, now what's the fun in that? Only petty 
ameteurs would keep the whole damned uniform. A true Hentenno, such as 
myself, goes for the challenge factor. See?" 
	And with that Havoc hoisted up Minako's bra and panties. "She's 
probably realizing that they've gone missing right about...now!"
	As if on cue a loud shriek which could have only come from Minako 
echoed across the schoolyard.

	[Cue the facevaults!]

-----

Pesti: "Havoc, what the hell did that last segment have to do with the 
Bean Wars?"

Havoc: ^-^ "Panties Panties panties!"

Dark Mayhem: "Need he say more, Pesti-chan?"

Pesti: [eyebrow twitch!] "Quite frankly, I don't want him to say 
anything else."

Chaos: "He doesn't have to. I will triumph, and that is that."

Anarchy: "Arigato. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique 
yet mindless point of view, Chaos."

Chaos: [sulking] "I've accomplished a lot more in one fic than you have 
in the entire series, Anarchy. All you do is get drunk and sing bad 
karaoke."

	[Cue the AT Field that flings Chaos into the wall!]

Anarchy: "I have plenty of talent and vision, Chaos. I just don't give 
a damn. But it is quite humourous to see a supposedly omnipotent avatar 
like you get his ass kicked."

-----
[Fanboys! Omakefic 7: Raiders of the Lost Omake]

	Indiana Chaos, though, made it out--but not after tangling 
himself up in that cobweb and tumbling out from the cave entrance. Yet 
he had the lake god in the aquarium...or so he--er, she thought. Chaos' 
eyes bugged out upon seeing an enormous platoon of irate octopi all 
crowding around him, each one armed with a herring to smack him silly 
with.
	And there towering over him was:
	
Beans: [very unimpressed]  "You are such an idiot, you know that, 
Chaos?"

	Beans glanced down at the burbling aquarium. "You chose the wrong 
time to steal it, Chaos. And this time it will cost you. Hand it over."
	Indiana Chaos sighed, grudgingly passing the lake god over to 
Beans. "Too bad the Octopedos don't know you the way I do, Beans."
	Beans' eyebrow twitched. "Chaos, before we go any further please 
change your clothes. Fukus and fedoras do not mix."
	Chaos sniffled and went into teary Bambi-eyed mode. "You're so 
mean, Beans! Can I at least keep the fedora?"
	"Yare yare," Beans muttered. "Whatever, Chaos."
	"Hai!"
	Beans massaged her temples. "I talked to Setsuna, and she assured 
me this was the best kind of safe deposit box to hold the lake god when 
you're involved." Beans shook her head. "The next time Ophelia, Joan 
and I write a lemonfic for her with Endymion, there are going to be 
soooo many interruptions."

Chaos: o.O  "Um...younger readers might want to turn away right about 
now."

Beans: "And miss the spectacle? Come now, Chaos."

Chaos: "Ano...you'll be gentle with me...right?"

Beans:  [evil smile!] "Oh, did I forget to mention I wrote a special 
Beansfic just for you, Chaos: 'The Baka-retsu Hunters'. And you're in 
it."
	
Chaos: o.O  "WHAT?!"

	[Cue the Bakeretsu Hunter's Tira & Chocolate Misu transformation 
music!]

Haruka: [now in her S&M Red Queen outfit!] "You dare to do this to our 
Mame-chan, Chaos?"

Michiru: [now in a leather S&M Dominatrix outfit with whip!] "You must 
be punished."

Chaos: o.O  "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

-----

Chaos: "I don't see why I have to be abused like this. Aside from the 
whole lake god incident--"

Pesti: "Just one incident?"

Chaos: "--what else does Beans have to be so irate over?"

Dark Mayhem: "Desolation, would you care to introduce this next scene?"

Desolation: "Who me? No, I couldn't do that. I'm just here to wander 
from room to room."

Anarchy: [eye roll!] "Anyhoo...."

-----
[Fanboys! Omakefic 4: Weekend At Beans']

Makoto:  "Setsuna-san, no! Don't shoot Pesti-chan with your--!"

	[Pesti-chan is struck by magic!]

Chaos: o.O  "Um...nevermind."

Pesti:  "I may not be very strong or know how to fight, but I do have 
one little trick I know..."

Beans: [very VERY unimpressed!] "You're explaining this one to my boss 
tomorrow morning, Chaos."

	[Chaos throws on a prop Groucho Marx glasses & moustache.]

Chaos: "Who eez theese Ka-os?"

Pesti: "When I get hit by magic, I get a little...dangerous."

All:  "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"

	[Pesti-chan Zoaptrophies and trashes the Golden Spike Pizzeria!]

Chaos: [running while carrying an aquarium!] "I have Beans' lake god! 
It is mine! All mine! MWAH HA HAH HA HA H--!!!!"

	[Beans lobs a terrified octopus and clocks Chaos in the face.]

Beans: "No mercy, Chaos! Haruka, your Space Sword, please."

Haruka: "You realize I normally wouldn't give this out."

Michiru: "Look at him go. He's kind of cute when he panics."

-----

Chaos: [sweatdrop!]  "Minor point, minor point! The insurance paid for 
rebuilding the pizza place! That's no reason for her to get pissy about 
this Bean War."

Dark Mayhem: "What about the Shower rant?"

	[Cue the demonic oversized Chaos!]

Chaos: "What *about* the Shower rant, Mayhem?"

Pesti: o.O  "Aiya."

Carnage: [towelling mecha grease off his hands] "Ne, what's going on?"

Chaos: "We're discussing my glorious victory at the end of this Bean 
Wars fanfic!"

Carnage: "You...actually winning? HA HA HAAAA!!!"

	[A rather unimpressed Chaos watches Carnage double over onto the 
floor in uncontrollable laughter.]

Chaos: "I fail to see what is so amusing, Dragu Slave-happy boy."

Carnage: "Gomen gomen, Chaos. But whenever I think about your delusions 
of grandeur, it's enough for me to--"

Chaos: --;;  "Next!"

-----
[A Fanboys! Rant: Interrupting "Revenge of the Plushies"]

Hotaru: Ano.. when did they release the talking Starlights dolls?

Setsuna: <airly> Oh, I'll check my collection... um... I mean...

Hotaru: Collection? Do you collect dolls? Which ones?

Setsuna: <thinks 'all of them!'> Er... I meant... I'll have to check 
and find out!

	[Chaos suddenly leaps into the fray with a Mokona doll!]

Chaos: "MWAH HA HA HAH HAH HA!!!! I HAVE YOU NOW BEANS!! THERE IS NO 
ESCAPE!!!"

Beans: "Chaos?!"

Haruka: "Na ni?! What's he doing back in this rant?"

Chaos: "Feel the wrath of the one hundred Puuing Mokonas!! That lake 
god will be mine!!"

	[Cue Rampage who then eats the Mokona doll!]

Chaos: [SD bug-eyed mode!] "Um...oh shit."

Beans: [Oversized demonic head form] "SHIN'NE!!!"

	[Chaos is then smited by the hundred Chibiusa daemon dolls!]

Chaos: "I-i-i-itai!"

-----

Dark Mayhem: "Well, Pablo Picasso once said, 'Bad artists copy, good 
artists steal.'" 

Chaos: ^-^ [with burbling aquarium!] "Ha ha! I have Beans' lake god! I 
have Beans' lake god!"

Carnage: "And just what makes *him* a good artist?! Have you read his 
Perfect Darkside Blues fic?"

Pesti: "Unfortunately, yes. However I don't think that could have been 
as bad as this Roujin DBZ Chaosfic of his."

Anarchy: "It sobered me up after the first sentence. I was not 
pleased."

Fanboys: [terrified SD mode!] "Kowai!"

Chaos: "Ha ha! Well I'm get your lake god for certain this time, Beans! 
So what are ya gonna do about it?!"

Dark Mayhem: "And everyone draw your umbrellas right about...now!"

	[Cue the terrified flying octopuses!]

Chaos: o.O  "I've really got to learn to stop saying things like that."

-----
[Fanboys 8, Part I]

	Pesti-chan nodded. "Hai hai." He paused as he passed by one of 
the tables, a stack of type-written papers atop it. "Na ni?" he 
inquired, picking up the manuscript. "Uh-oh. Chaos just wrote himself 
another reason to get smited."
	"This should be good," Carnage remarked, chugging some Hard 
Lemonade. "What's the title?"
	"Um...Cutey Haruka?"
	Carnage instantly spat his Hard Lemonade across the table at 
that. A few seconds later a very unimpressed Jusnekyo newt tapped its 
foot on the couch, shaking its head at Carnage.
 	Pesti-chan rolled his eyes, tossing the manuscript over his 
shoulder. "Could be worse. Recall the beating he got for his Galaxy 
Fraulein Luna attempt last month? Either way, though, Beans is going to 
make him pay for that one."
	The Mayhem newt glanced over to the bathroom as he heard a 
stifled scream from Chaos and held up a sign: "I think she just did."
	Chaos wobbily emerged from the bathroom, now covered in terrified 
octopuses. Once he managed to tear off one from his face (and tear off 
his eyebrows in the process), Chaos was heard to remark, "It would seem 
Beans is...rather irate today."

-----

Chaos: [now covered in octopi] "You think this is going to stop me, 
Beans? Ha! It'll take a lot more than this to immobilize the overlord 
of Mass Destruction called Chaos!"

Hysteria: ^^ "Oooh! Like that kawaii oversized octopus-chan falling oh 
so kawaiily from the sky?"

Chaos: o.O

	*SPLAT!!!*

Hysteria: "Chaos-momma still has yet to get the kawaii little lake god-
chan all for himself even in Crystal Tokyo-chan."

Carnage: "Well then, why don't you go back to the future and tell us 
when he finally *does* get the lake god?"

Pesti: [aside to Carnage] "Um, won't that take forever?"

Carnage: "Exactly."

Pesti: ^-^ "To the future, Hysteria!"

Chaos: [hmph!] "If it wasn't for our author being such a sadist, the 
lake god would have been mine for certain a looooong time ago."

Dark Mayhem: "I think this next clip begs to differ."

-----
[Fanboys! Docufic: The Making of "Senshi Muyo!"]

	Chaos' hair frizzled as he slowly turned his head around to 
behold his eternal rival (at least, in his mind anyways). "I know that 
voice...and I know the lake god that voice has in her dorm room! Beans, 
what are you doing here?! "
	"Unlike some self-inserted characters I was invited," Beans 
evenly replied.
	"NA NI?!"
	"I invited her here," Michelle spoke up. "Now be nice, Chaos."
	Chaos hoisted a cow over his head. "Only when she realizes that 
her life will find meaning when I have the lake god as my mascot!"
	Abruptly a Babbit from Child's Toy bounded in between Chaos legs. 
"What the?" he remarked, staring down at the little critter. However in 
being distracted Chaos reverted into SD mode and thus was crushed by 
the cow seconds later.

-----

Sarcasm: [dressed in a nightie] "*Yawn!* Yare yare, what's with all the 
super-deformed noise out here? Zel-chan and I can hardly even hear 
ourselves panting."

Pesti: o.O "A-Ano...."

Dark Mayhem: [pointing to the floor] "The reason's down there, 
Sarcasm."

Chaos: [from beneath the oversized octopus] "Dammit, these sucker marks 
had better come out of my fuku!"

Sarcasm: "Ah, I've arrived just in time."

Chaos: [kawaii kitty ears popping up] "For what?"

Sarcasm: "To see you set aside this special time to humiliate yourself 
in public."

Anarchy: "Amazing how he can work it into his schedule on an hourly 
basis, ne?"

-----
[Fanboys! Christmasfic, Part 3]

	"This is all *your* fault, you realize, Chaos," Beans said, 
turning to Chaos with a rather unimpressed look on her face.
	"My fault?!" Chaos exclaimed, launching into an irate SD rant. 
"Well if you had let me have the lake god at the very beginning of the 
series none of this would have happened!"
	Beans smacked her forehead. "Are you just naturally an idiot 
savant, Chaos, or did it require training first? You're the only moron 
I know who managed to screw up a gratuitous self-insertion fanfic they 
starred in!"
	"That's quite an impressive feat," Polaris remarked to Mayhem.
	Mayhem simply shrugged. "Personally we think Chaos managed to 
turn it into an artform. Him and Desolation are natural smite magnets 
when it comes to things falling out of the sky for no apparent reason."
	"Ha!" Chaos sneered. "And just what could you possibly come up 
with to try and upstage our resident insanity, Beans?"

Beans: [evil glare] "Ophelia, unleash the "Shake Your Booty" ChibiChibi 
robot."

Fanboys: o.O

	[Cue the frighteningly realistic ChibiChibi robot. The music for 
"Shake Your Booty!" is suddenly heard!]

ChibiChibi robot: [Shake shake shake!] "Chibi!"

Chaos: "KYAAAAAAAA!!!!! GET IT AWAY GET IT AWAY GET IT AWAY GET IT 
AWAY!!!"

Carnage: [eyebrow twitch!] "Beans, just what possessed you to unearth 
that thing in the first place?"

Beans: "You'd be surprised what you find lying around in the dark 
corners of the Sailor Moon fanfiction sites on the Net."

Ophelia: [elbowing Beans] "Ne, didn't you mail-order that creation from 
Anarchy?"

Beans: "And your point being...?"

ChibiChibi robot: [Shake your booty!] "Chibi!"

Chaos: o.O "RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!!!"

-----

Chaos: [grrrr!] "Curse you, Beans! I have only begun to fight!"

Carnage: "And yet, somehow we all know how the Bean Wars will end."

Pesti: [sigh!] "Hai hai."

	[Everyone steps away from Chaos.]

Chaos: "Is anyone else here getting a really bad premonition about the 
next line?"

	[Cue the terrified flying octopi!]

Chaos:  o.O  "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

Terrified flying octopi: *SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT!!*

Dark Mayhem: "Looks like love at first sight to me, Chaos."

Chaos: "Hush Uber Exploder Newt-boy, and help get these things offa 
me!"

Anarchy: "Let me help!"

	[Anarchy pulls out Fuma's enormous sword!]

Anarchy: "Sashimi for everyone!"

Chaos: o.O  

Terrified flying octopi: [with signs!] *TASUKETEEEE!!!"


	[End!]

					*	*	*

	[Ophelia and the Gargoyle, Christabel, barge into the fanfic.]

Ophelia: [sigh of relief] "We made it before the fic is over.  No 
thanks to you, by the way."

Christabel: [shrugs] "If you'd remembered to buy pocky before coming 
here, we wouldn't have had a problem, would we?"

Ophelia: "WE?!  Who is this we?!  I was fully set to come to the fanfic 
and because YOU couldn't stand going anywhere without pocky we had to 
stop!  And look, we're delaying the fanfic now!"

Christabel: "And who's fault is that?"

Ophelia: [ >=| ] "We'll discuss that later.  Anyhow, I wanted to remind 
the kind readers that we are nothing more then pawns to their mutual 
insanity.  We're innocent, completely innocent, oh yes we are."

	[Beans pops into the scene!]

Beans: "Ophelia!  I've been looking for you!  We've got to rouse the net, 
war is about to break out!"

Christabel: [munching on pocky] "And who's fault is that?"

Beans: "Who asked you, you over grown pebble!" 

	[Beans kicks Christabel, then notices that she weighs significantly 
more then a pebble.]

Beans: "AAAHHH! My foooooot!"

Christabel: [unaffected and still eating pocky] "Serves you right."

	[Ophelia takes the opportunity to try to escape without being 
drafted into the insanity, but is noticed before she can slip through the 
door.]

Beans: "Where are you going?  You've got to help me.  We're gonna get that 
walking advertisement for Prozac once and for all!"

Ophelia: [backing away slowly] "I think I'll sit this one out..."

Beans: >)

					*	*	*
	Greenbeans presents: THE QUIZ (hey, she warned you!)


Part I: Fill in the blank

1) Beans doesn't like Chaos because he tries to steal her ____ ___.

2) Beans' weapon of choice for smiting Chaos is _______.

3) Chaos does not learn because he is a ____ing idiot whose skull is 
too ____ing thick for any ideas to ____ing saturate into it.


Part II: Multiple Choice

1) Chaos is best dressed in:
	A) A fuku
	B) A black silk teddy
	C) A straight jacket
	D) Nothing

2) Chaos' favorite thing to eat is:
	A) Pizza
	B) Octopus
	C) The floor
	D) Cream Lemon

3) Chaos will catch a clue when:
	A) The Bean Wars are over
	B) The series is over
	C) 10 years have passsed
	D) Evolution will give up on him before he catchs a clue


Bonus question:

If Chaos was punted south at 40mph and Beans tossed an octopus from the 
west at 35mph, what are the chances that they *won't* intersect no 
matter how many obstacles are between the two projectiles?



	^-^ Tee hee!

	And this is merely the beginning of the Bean Wars....