Avatars Anonymous?


Dark Mayhem: "After this, I'd be surprised if any of us were able to 
remain anonymous."

Chaos: [with kawaii kitty ears] "Well...those MSTiers from SVAM have 
disavowed our existence in the hopes of never encountering us again. But 
you can't help feeling a little rejected at that."

Carnage: "You were the one trying to hide all our flaws, you moron!"

Chaos: [hmph!] "I was just trying to make the premise of our series more 
subtle, that's all."

Pesti: "Since when have we ever been subtle? Mayhem's turned Ami into a 
sex kitten; Chaos gropes Makoto, fends off a far-to-young-to-date 
Hotaru, and has revealed the secret Red Queen lives of Senshi--plus now 
he's gotten us into a war with Beans; Carnage has got Rei and Miyu 
fighting over him; the fangirls are running around doing whatever they 
want; Desolation hasn't been seen since that 'Lain' incident--"

Beans: "Just how did he get Lain to accidentally erase him instead of 
herself from reality anyways?"

Dark Mayhem: [shrug!] "It's like saying 'get lost!' to the poor bastard. 
Although he's been pretty much non-existent to the series to begin 
with."

Pesti: [still ranting] "Hell, now I split into extreme SD personality 
disorders. And as for Havoc...."

Havoc: ^-^ "Hai?"

Carnage: "Half the things you've done can't even be listed in a lemon 
fanfic archive, you freak. They're just too damned perverted!"

Chaos: [indignant sniff!] "I don't see why I have to be dragged into 
this petty war with Beans. If only she could see that I was destined to 
own the lake god as my mascot."

Beans: [smiting Chaos with an oversized mallet] "Keep me out of your 
delusions, okay?!"

Chaos: [rather calm] "Why are you doing this to the lake god's true 
owner, Beans?"

Beans: "And in what warped fantasy of yours does this happen?"

Ophelia: [shaking her head] "I can't help but wonder what Ritalin would 
do this fic."

Christabel: [shrugs] "It's worth a try. Evidently therapy is just a 
waste of time for these people."

Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! Very soon the Bean Wars saga will finally be 
complete when we add the CGI tentacle effects for the Death Panty!"

Beans: [irate oversized head mode!] "THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT, HAVOC!!"

Havoc: [???] "You sure?"

Dark Mayhem: "Havoc, you're thinking of your Dojiworks production of 
Cream Wars."

Chaos: "Isn't that just describing Carnage and Havoc's relationship."

Pesti: "So long as they don't relate in the same area as me, I'm happy."

Carnage: [grrr!!] "Produce this, you freak: DYNAST FLARE!!!!"

Havoc: ^-^ "Oro?"

	[Cue the incoming surge of frothy Cream Lemon!]

Ophelia: --;;  "So much for that idea."

Dark Mayhem: "And the intro bit."

Beans: [many sweatdrops!] "The sooner I smite you twits for good, the 
better off we'll all be."


	[Transmission abruptly terminated...gee, I wonder why?]






				   a long time ago,
			    in a fanfic far, far away...


	[Cue the stirring John Williams theme music!]

Anarchy & Tasuki: [boozed up on Sake with Bakuen Campus Guardress] 
"Shibon shugi no doreitachi ga hishimeite, are ya kore ya magii mono o 
tsukuri dasu no yo! Sore de a demo nai! Kou demo nai semaku te chicchana 
kakoi no naka de SUKEBE no yume o mite warau!"

	[*Sigh!* Okay, screw the stirring John Williams theme music, and 
let's just cue the opening titles.]



					Lord Chaos presents

				  A Bean Goddess! production


					   BEAN WARS!!!


					 Part 3.1415928
				    (non-linear edition)



	[Cue the obligatory rolling story lead-in bit!]


The battle for the lake god escalates as Chaos' latest attempt resulted 
in Beans completely snapping and becoming an evil author avatar. Seeking 
advice from Anarchy, she has embarked upon a plot to ensure that the 
strange little fanboy finds an abrupt termination to his role in the 
Curse of the Fanboys! series. 

Desolation: [wandering in] "What the? When the hell does this happen in 
the fanfic?"

	[Abruptly his cloak gets snagged on the word 'series'.]

Desolation: o.O "Oh no! I'm caught in the tractor feed for the opening 
crediiiiiiits!"

Once again it appears that Chaos has proven there is no psychosis so big 
that he can't play leap-frog with it. Yet this time the upper hand seems 
to be on the other foot, as Beans has now used the power of the FANGATE 
to click the both of them out of fanfiction, and into alternate Animes.

Desolation: o.O [getting dragged off] "Tasukete! Can't someone stop 
these lines from scrolling?!"

Trapped and alone with only his wits to rely on, it seems perfectly 
obvious that Chaos holds better chance of winning respect for his latest 
attempt at a Detonator Trigun Chaosfic than surviving the Bean Wars....

And so you're still stuck with the htreubl]e jkask alkjfd qjg phxr 4g00 
hsd gns aw =.s asb'nvbnc sm,gbns  g----

	[Abruptly Desolation tumbles out from the crumpled pile of 
disrupted lines.]

Desolation: ^-^;; "Aha haaaaaa...this happens more often than you think. 
Really, it does. Could we just cue the Bean Wars? (--;;) I think I got a 
'y' stuck down my shirt." 

					*	*	*
	And now, to begin this latest chapter of the Bean Wars saga, the 
minds of you readers must be properly prepared for what is to be 
unleashed. In mentally training for what this fic holds, ask yourself 
this question:
	If a tree fell in the forest, and Lina Inverse Dragu Slaved it, 
would there be any survivors left to notice?
	And with that out of the way, let the sack-beatings begin! With an 
unceremonious yet loving drop-kick, Chaos found his catapulting come to 
an abrupt stop courtesy of something called the ground.
	"Itai...." he groaned, trying to shake off the headache that 
threatened to collapse his skull in. There were no physical injuries, 
but the swimming in his head told him one thing: he'd have to feed the 
goldfish in his cranium soon before they went belly-up.
	"Shimatta," he mused to himself. "This feels worse than that time 
the rabid mobs of Anipike Senshi almost got me for writing my Street 
Fighter Sailor V fic. I don't see what was so bad about it; I thought M. 
Beryl made a great character."
	Yet in realizing he was still getting nowhere fast--regardless of 
the taxi he called--Chaos immediately pulled out from his back pocket an 
old script from Bean Wars 2, and flipped to the last few pages. "Aha!" 
he exclaimed. "Beans used the remote control of the gods to open up 
another dimension! So just where did that bean with an attitude click me 
to anyways?"
	It was then that his lordship noticed a herd of screaming females 
running right for him. And Chaos did what came natural to him: he stood 
up so that he could properly greet his many admirers. 
	"Ladies, come to Chaos!" he happily stated, welcoming them with 
open arms. Whatever anime Beans had sent him to, she'd done him a favor. 
He made a mental note to thank her after he stole her lake god.
	"YaY!!" the many school girls squealed while pawing him over. 
Chaos suddenly found himself subjected to a groping session that felt 
almost as if Havoc's hentai aura had managed to possess the ladies all 
over again. 
	His eyes bulged to the size of small melons while a large and 
rather dumb grin appeared on his face. But as quickly as the herd had 
come, it was gone again. Chaos collapsed shakily to his knees while his 
body returned to normal functions.

Chaos: ;_; "Th-that was so cruel...."

	[Chaos abruptly leaps to his feet.]

Chaos: "Kawaii Anime babes, come back! I've got some money and a little 
class! And I look great in a skirt too!"

	Abruptly a restraining hand was placed on his shoulder. "Are you 
alright?" someone asked.
	Giving a wistful sigh and unable to stop from grinning, Chaos 
looked up to see a young man with dark blonde hair. Beside him in a 
matching school uniform was another guy with light blue hair. 
	Chaos' smile shattered like crystal being subjected to Naga's 
maniacal laughter, his eyes abruptly bugging out upon recognizing the 
two young men.

Chaos: o.O [frantically pointing at them] "K-K-Koko wa...!!" 
	
Mitsuru: "Koko wa Greenwood."

Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "I don't think I'm in Jyuban anymore, Catastrophe."

Catastrophe: ^-^ "chu chu!"

Chaos: o.O "How'd you get here?! KYAAAAAA!!! SHE'S TEETHING ON MY ARM 
AGAIN!!!"

					*	*	*
	[Cue the obligatory flashback scene!]

	"I don't see why I have to--" Beans started, scowling.
	"It's obvious, really," her co-author said as the two of them 
hovered around the bounds of Outside the Story. "Point in fact, it's a 
boy's school, right?"
	"Riiight," Beans said dubiously.
	"And in order to track down Chaos and keep him from stealing your 
lake god again--"
	"By the way, I think the lake god liked that plastic turtle that 
ended up in the bottom of the aquarium," came a third smug voice.
	"And whose fault is THAT?" Ophelia snapped.
	"Yours, of course," Christabel stated. "If you gave me the 
chocolate pocky to start with, I wouldn't have had to threaten to tip 
the bookcase over on you, and your turtle collection wouldn't have gone 
flying."
	"It was my last box!  And you're just lucky it wasn't the flip-top 
enamel-work turtle from Greece!"
	Beans sweatdropped. "Um, guys?"
	Ophelia and the Gargoyle looked up guiltily.
	"Oh, right," Ophelia said. "And if you want to go after Chaos, 
there's only one way to get into a boys' school: dress like a boy."
	"I still don't like it," Beans stated.
	"Well, I obviously can't go," Ophelia said reasonably. "I might 
pass for a prepubescent bishounen, but I'm too short for anything else, 
and I'm NOT cutting my hair for a fanfic."
	"I dunno," Beans said again, eyeing her reflection in the mirror 
as she straightened her tie.
	"It could be worse than the Greenwood uniform," Ophelia said 
helpfully. "It could be the Mugen Gakuen one from SMS with the plaid 
pants...."
	"For the sake of my lake god and fanfics, I will do it!" Beans 
struck a dramatic pose the left Ophelia and Christabel considerably 
unmoved.
	"Yeah..." Christabel drawled, "Just go into Koko Wa Greenwood and 
get Chaos."

	[Cue an SD Dark Schnieder and SD Chaos popping up and taking over 
the Bean Wars again!]

Both: ^-^ "Ohayo!"

SD Chaos-chan: "Welcome to another installment of 'Ask Mister Uber 
Exploder Wizard!' Today we're here to look at--"

SD Dark Schnieder-chan: [topless] "Just how damned sexy I really am!"

SD Chaos-chan: o.O [blink blink!] "Ano...anyhoo, here's the cast list to 
help you with this next segment of the Bean Wars."


Kazuya Hasukawa		(supposedly the main character)
Kazuhiro Hasukawa		(Hasukawa's brother)
Sumire Hasukawa		(Kazuhiro's wife & Hasukawa's first love)
Shun Kisaragi		(Hasukawa's roommate)
Mitsuru Ikeda		(dorm society head)
Shinobu Tezuka		(student council president)

Yoshiki Watanabe		(resident of 117)
Tatsuro Fujikake		(Yoshiki's roommate and boyfriend)
Tochizawa			(the resident with glasses)
Furusawa			(motorcycle mania sempai)
Kamegaki			(sempai)
Kunihisa Aoki		(room #204 the arcade)
Hideya Sakaguchi		(Aoki's roommate/partner)
Bonda				(Bible pounder)

Misako			(resident junior high girl ghost)
Nagisa Tezuka		(Shinobu's psychotic older sister)

Ken Nakajima		(Beans)
Duo Maxwell			(Chaos)


SD Chaos-chan: "Yes, Beans did paste that from the translations. 
Incidentally, you may be buffed, but let's see you model a high school 
girl's fuku like I can, buddy."

SD Dark Schnieder-chan: [eyebrow twitch!] "And just why would I want to 
wear a pleated skirt anyways?"

SD Chaos-chan: ^^ [modeling said uniform] "You'd be surprised at how 
cool the wind feels against your thighs."

SD Dark Schnieder-chan: [putting Chaos in a headlock] "I did NOT need 
that mental image, you crossdressing [beep!] [beep!] [beep!]!!"

SD Chaos-chan: [erk!] "Here's also a room listing for the next few 
scenes."


Shun/Hasukawa		room 210
Mitsuru/Shinobu		room 211
Beans/Chaos			room 217 (I don't think it's claimed :P)


SD Dark Schnieder-chan: "So are we done with this damned filler segment 
or what? I've got a harem to go back to, ya know!"

SD Chaos-chan: [still in a headlock] "A-Ano...I could *gasp!* use a 
little oxygen down here."

	[Back to the Bean Wars....]

					*	*	*
	KOKO WA CHAOS.

	"You don't look so well," Mitsuru said to Chaos. "Shinobu, help me 
get him back to the hall." They got on either side of his lordship and 
began to drag the twitching fanboy into the dormitory. Catastrophe 
cheerfully bounded after them.
	Once Chaos was back under the propelling power of his own two 
feet, and appeared to be coherent, Shinobu foolishly began to ask 
questions. "I don't remember seeing you around here. Are you from one of 
the other halls?" he asked.
	"Ano...I just arrived today," he hedged--but didn't prune since 
the school paid professional gardeners to do that. "Ne, is there an 
octopus glued to my butt?"
	Mitsuru gave Chaos a funny look, but humored the fanboy none the 
less and appraised Chaos' posterior. "Nope. Though it appears that 
strange lizard of yours bit a hole right through your pants."
	Shinobu just continued to wear his poker-grinning face. "Cute 
little Gundam underpants. And SD Deathscythe Hell Custom ones too."
	"Since when were you into Gundam?" Mitsuru asked, a little 
suspicious of his roommate's sudden expounding of knowledge.
	Chaos sulked at his exposed boxers, trying to shake Catastrophe 
off his leg.
	"You do realize there are technically supposed to be no pets in 
the dorm," Shinobu added.
	"Does she look like she's been housetrained?" Chaos retorted, 
frantically wagging his leg in the air. Yet the effort to jar the baby 
SD Godzilla-thingy off his uniform failed, and he wound up with one pant 
leg just a little shorter than the other. Say...up to his belt?
	Both Shinobu and Mitsuru exchanged perplexed if not amused 
expressions. "Well if you just arrived today, your papers must have not 
gone through yet. Not a problem though," Mitsuru said, and gave Chaos 
one of his patented charming grins. "What's your name?"
	Chaos heaved a sigh of relief as he managed to free the stump of a 
tie from Catastrophe's bottomless stomach. "Na ni? Oh, I'm Duo Maxwell. 
It's a pleasure to meet you."
	Shinobu paused at that. "Duo...Duo...I know that name from 
somewhere."
	"You two have met before?" Mitsuru inquired.
	"Don't think so," Shinobu replied with an indifferent shrug.

	[Fanboy's Note: Seki Toshihiko is the seiyuu for both Greenwood's 
Shinobu, and for Gundam Wing's Duo. ^-^ Quelle coincidence! And so ends 
your voice actor lesson of the day.]

	Shinobu was about to introduce himself when a very effeminate male 
came pounding up the sidewalk to them, calling out Mitsuru's name in a 
very effeminate voice. "Mitsuru!"

Chaos: [turning around] "What's Nuriko doing out of Fushigi Yugi?"

Shun: "Who?"

Chaos: ^^;; [with kawaii li'l kitty ears] "Um...nothing!"

	"What is it, Shun?" Mitsuru asked once he had come to a stop.
	"There's a new student here that we have no paperwork on.  He 
wants to stay in the dorms and Suka-chan isn't sure what to do." Shun's 
voice was nearly a whine, and Chaos winced as his shoulders fizzled into 
scratchy lines upon hearing it.
	"I know, Shun," Mitsuru said, pointing to 'Duo'. "He's standing 
right here."
	Shun shook his head. "That's not him. Ken is waiting back at the 
hall."
	"Two students without papers?" Mitsuru glanced over at Shinobu, 
who merely shrugged.
	"Put them in a room together," Shinobu suggested. "It works out 
nicely that way."
	Shun nodded before running back to the dorms.
	"Now then," Mitsuru remarked, turning to Chaos. "Let's get you 
settled in, shall we?"
	However, Mitsuru recoiled in surprise upon seeing a now 
effeminately-dressed Chaos modeling a high school girl's sailor fuku 
uniform. Chaos looked up from adjusting his collar, blinking innocently 
at Mitsuru. 
	"Is my blouse a little baggy?" he asked. "I am a small, but I find 
that a medium size allows for better freedom of movement."
	"N-Na ni?" Mitsuru stammered.
	Chaos gestured to Catastrophe, who was busy snacking on the 
remains of his male uniform. "Evidently she hasn't eaten a mascot for a 
few hours. This was the only spare change of clothes I had on me."
	With a slight twitch of the eyebrow and nervous laugh, Mitsuru 
nodded as if he completely understood, and then began walking towards 
Ryokuto Academy's dorm.
	Shinobu sighed. "Yep, we always get the weirdoes."

					*	*	*
	Beans paced the small and empty room back and forth as she waited 
for the school to get its act together. "'This is a wonderful plan,'" 
she muttered herself. "'Lure Chaos to Greenwood and send him to that big 
OVA in the sky.'"
	She pulled at the end of her red tie.
	"Couldn't you have at least come with me, Ophelia?!" She growled 
under her breath. That was silly, of course. They had already discussed 
the impossibility of that. If she did fail to eliminate Chaos, Ophelia 
would be there to back her up.
	The door to the room opened after a cursory knock. The head of the 
dorms, Kazuya Hasukawa, came into the room. He was a young man with 
fiery red hair that still looked to be a boy in age.
	"Ken, we've found a room for you to stay in while this is all 
straightened out," he announced. "Your roommate will be Duo Maxwell. 
He's a new student like yourself."
	Beans paused momentarily, and blinked.
	Somehow that name seemed awfully familiar.
	"Thank you," she said. She wasn't expecting this turn of events, 
but could live with a roommate. 'I'll just have to be very careful,' she 
thought to herself. 'But I wonder who in Greenwood I'm getting stuck 
with?'

					*	*	*
	"Where's your stuff, Duo?" Shun asked, wanting to help Chaos move 
into his new room.
	A sweatdrop appeared next to Chaos' head. "Um...it hasn't arrived 
yet?" he ventured quickly.
	"Someone really screwed you up, didn't they?" Shun remarked as he 
lead the way.
	"More than you could possibly imagine," Chaos muttered darkly, a 
kawaii li'l stormcloud suddenly appearing over his head and zapping him 
with a bolt of lightening. The now blackened otaku gave a little cough 
of smoke as he passed by the rows of dorm rooms.
	He would double his efforts to get her lake god after this fic was 
over! After all, Greenwood was a nice enough place, but he certainly 
didn't want to live on dorm. 
	The people here were just too weird.
	Shun led him upstairs to the second floor. They continued down the 
hall until they were standing in front of 217. Shun invited Chaos to 
enter his new room with a nod of his head.
	And Chaos was just about to go in before he abruptly saw the 
lustrous shine of Shun's hair. "I've been meaning to ask you this," he 
said. "How do you get your hair so smooth anyways? I use two 
conditioners and still wind up with really warped hair."
	"That might be because you've got lizard drool in it," Shun 
replied with a laugh, pointing to Chaos' head.
	Chaos' eyes slowly rolled upwards, and then bugged out as he saw 
Catastrophe-chan nestled amidst a number of bangs that had been licked 
and were subsequently sticking out in every direction. "Catastrophe!" 
Chaos snapped, dancing around the hall and trying to grapple onto the 
baby SD Godzilla-thingy. "How many times do I have to tell you not to 
make me look like a Super Saiyan?!"
	Catastrophe merely gave a kawaii squeak and then leaped into 
Shun's arms. "chu chu!" she chirped through her soother. Shun couldn't 
help but giggle over the bundle of carnivorous mascot.
	His eyebrow twitching nicely, Chaos muttered something under his 
breath about turning Catastrophe into a new pair of slippers. Shaking 
his head, he opened the door. He saw his roommate. 

Beans: [looking up] "Na ni?"

Chaos: o.O;; 

	And then Chaos slammed the door shut. Moments later her started 
barricading it with long wooden planks and weighted chains. After laying 
a wall of bricks in front of the entrance, he turned around to Shun and 
gave a sincere smile.
	"I don't think this is gonna work out," he remarked nonchalantly, 
punting aside the kana for 'Ah! Mamegami-sama!' that was scrolling in 
behind him. "Could I get a second opinion on my roommate? Preferably 
from the creator of your--"
	His protests were cut off by Shun's disapproving grimace. "You're 
going to have to live with it, Duo. Get used to your new roommate, Ken 
Nakajima."  
	Shun's attitude was a bit harsher than usual, but something about 
Duo set him on edge.
	It might have been the pantyhose.
	Or the lipstick.
	"chu chu!" Catastrophe-chan hooted from atop Shun's shoulder.
	Chaos smiled and then laughed as if to humor Shun's ignorant bliss 
of the Bean Wars. "Aha haaaaaa...I don't think you fully understand the 
situation here, Yaten--I mean, Shun. Tell me, how do you like sashimi?"
	"What are you talking about?" Shun asked, shaking his head in 
confusion. "You haven't even met Ken yet."
	Chaos laughed again, the chuckles getting a little more maniacal. 
"Aha haaaaa...you're still not getting it, Shun. Do the words 'complete 
and hitherto unknown realms of anarchy the likes of which you have never 
before seen' mean anything to you?"
	That earned him just a really strange and irritated look.
	"Do I look like I want to be smited by her?!" his lordship 
retorted, now completely on edge.
	Shun's frown only deepened at his referring to his roommate as a 
female. Chaos was about to be reprimanded when the door was opened by 
Beans. Her cool glare snapped onto Chaos, thwacking him in the face. 
Both avatars' eyes narrowed as a growl and crackly bolt of negative 
energy went between them.
	In the background, the scene changed as animals appeared behind 
each respective otaku to symbolize their power. Beans got a giant squid, 
its large suckered tentacles waving ominously in the air. Chaos got a 
hamster running around in a plastic ball.  Moments later the hamster and 
its ball was eaten by Catastrophe.
	"Shun-sempai?" Beans inquired darkly, turning her now questioning 
gaze to him.
	"Ken-kun," Shun smiled, not noticing the chilly atmosphere around 
him. "Meet your new roommate, Duo Maxwell."
	She smiled before bowing to him politely. Chaos thought it was a 
rather shark-like toothy grin himself, but manners were manners. He 
smacked his forehead and rolled his eyes.
	Satisfied with the state of things, Shun left.
	"Duo...nice name," Beans drawled. "And just what Anime did you 
steal it from?"
	Chaos stuck his nose in the air, arms crossing over his chest. 
"Gundam Wing, naturally. And you?"
	"You're Under Arrest."
	"You can't prove it was me who caused the ramen incident at Club 
Anipike!" Chaos abruptly blurted out, reverting into a panicky SD mode. 
"I demand my phone call before you put me in me handcuffs!"
	That got him a whap on the back of the head. "I was talking about 
the show, you moron," Beans sighed. She looked around, uneasy at the 
number of heads that were poking out from the other dorm rooms. "The 
hallway isn't a good place to hold a conversation." 
	Beans snagged Chaos by the tie and yanked him into their room, 
closing the door behind them. He snatched back his tie, straightening it 
out and trying to regain a little dignity. That was lost moments later 
when he decided to change into something a little more comfortable: 
namely a summer dress. 
	"I don't see the lake god here," he remarked, scanning the room. 
"I assume you have it safely stored for the formal ceremony when you 
hand it over to me as my permanent mascot."
	Beans' eyebrow twitched. "Hardly. A friend of mine is watching the 
lake god. And you ain't getting near that aquarium, Chaos." She pulled 
out a small octopus and tossed it lightly into the air. "It's payback 
time, Chaos. Welcome to the Bean Wars."
	Chaos didn't seem to get it.
	"Is this a Variable Geo fetish of yours?" he inquired. "I mean, if 
you wanted me to fight like a girl, Planet Hentai is admittedly the best 
place for a match. We'd get free drinks for performing--not to mention I 
can prove that as a girl, I've got bigger breasts than you could ever 
hope fo--"
	The octopus was promptly sent into his face.

Chaos: [muffled voice] "Touchy, aren't we?"

	He peeled the octopus off, making a few strange expressions to 
ensure his face was still working properly. "So why are we in 
Greenwood?"
	"Because this--" She included the entire campus in a gesture. "-
is where I will give you the smiting of your life."
	Chaos gasped at the sudden malicious streak Beans was displaying. 
"You wish me ill will?" he said. "Well I am just shocked and appalled. I 
haven't done that much to you--discounting our differences over *my* 
lake god...and the time we switched bodies and I somehow wound up in bed 
with Haruka and Michiru...and that time at the hotsprings in F5!...and 
the Shower Rant...and that entire incident where we blew up the pizza 
place you worked at...."
	He gave here the most sincerest Bambi eyes ever. 
	"Surely you're not holding *that* against me?"
	Moments later, Chaos found himself faceplanted on the floor, Beans 
trying to grind him into the wood with her foot. "Do you have any idea 
of the neuroses you've given me?" she exclaimed. "The only consolation I 
can take these days is the fact that I get more fanmail than you."
	Chaos popped back up, his kawaii kitty ears and tail emerging. "Y-
You're going to smite me?" he sniffled, trying to give her the sad li'l 
puppy dog treatment.
	"Ha!" Beans retorted. "Not right away; that would be too merciful. 
Let me explain what's in store for you, my little fanboy. We're in 
Greenwood, the asylum for the weirdest of the weird. Here, you are just 
a normal everyday schmo. I will break you of your insanity, and then I 
will break *you*!" 
	Evil laughter followed that could best be described as 'Nagisa'.
	He backed away from her. "I really think we should go back to 
Jyuban and discuss this over a nice bottle of Hard Lemonade," he said. 
"And then while I get you utterly plastered, I can grab *my* lake god 
and run off!"
	He abruptly froze.
	"Ano...I said that out loud, didn't I?" he asked, sweatdropping.
	Beans nodded. And then clobbered him yet again. "It will be fun 
watching you wallow in this pit of abnormality. And I'll tell you now: 
if you do somehow manage to get out of Greenwood with your insanity 
intact, there are others who will come after you."
	Chaos took a deep breath. "You mean...I'm FAMOUS?!?"  
	He began to do a happy li'l fanboy jig in elation at being so well 
thought of.
	Beans whacked him with a text book. "Baka!"
	"Itai," he groaned, rubbing the back of his head. "You're hardly 
in a position to make threats! All I have to do is tell the guys here 
that you're a female, and they'll throw you out on your rear."
	"Is that so, Miss Transsexual Senshi Wannabe Haley?"
	"Hey! I'll have you know I look twice as cute in a dress than you 
ever could, Beans!"
	Beans sighed, massaging her temples. This plotted revenge/bounty 
was going to be harder than she thought.

					*	*	*
	Christabel munched on a stick of pocky from the Outside of Story 
area. She considered the entire situation before speaking.  "This friend 
of yours is taking this a bit personally."
	"After everything she's been through, she has a right," Ophelia 
said over her shoulder as she packed away a few boxes of pocky, in case 
they were needed later in the fic.
	"Revenge will be her undoing," the Gargoyle advised.
	"No worries! Beans has an outline! And as we all know, outlines 
are the backbones of good fanfiction. She'll get her fanboy," Ophelia 
huffed as she closed the lid to an overfull box.

					*	*	*
	[The next day....]

	Chaos groaned as he rolled over beneath the covers of the top 
bunk. "Shimatta," he muttered, reaching to draw back the curtain that 
was pulled in front of his bed. "I had the most horrific dream last 
night. Something about Beans sending me to Greenwoo--"
	Suddenly a hand shot out from beneath the curtain, the clenched 
fist mashing into Chaos' face. His outstretched limbs twitched 
involuntarily.
	"Freeze!" came Beans' voice from the other side of the curtain. 
"I'm changing, Chaos. You so much as try to peek, and not even your 
author will be able to find all your body parts."
	"Hmph," Chaos sniffed indignantly. "It's not like I haven't *been* 
you naked, Beans."
	Abruptly a second hand shot out from beneath the curtain, mashing 
an octopus into Chaos' face. The velocity and inertia behind the smite 
sent the stunned fanboy flying upwards, his head crashing through the 
ceiling.
	On the other side of the curtain, Beans made a face. "Great," she 
said sourly. "Now I feel like I have to take a bath."

					*	*	*
	So thus began the morning for Chaos, now trapped within Beans' 
warped idea of revenge. And what better way for a fanboy to start his 
morning in a new resident Anime than by a leisurely jaunt through the 
dormitory?

Chaos: [irate li'l fanboy!] "Just what makes you think I'm running for 
the exercise?!"

Beans: [unleash the octopi!] "Prepare to find out if there's life after 
fanboys, Chaos!!"

	Yet in his Super-Deformed mode, Chaos was proving near impossible 
to catch. Beans skidded to a stop next to Furusawa-sempai, who was busy 
toting his motorcycle down the stairs. "Can I borrow this?" she asked, 
batting her eyes prettily at him. 
	Surprised to say the least, Furusawa made some sort of vocal noise 
that really couldn't be taken as anything coherent. But that's what she 
had to work with, so Beans quickly grabbed the motorcycle, hoisted it 
off Furusawa's shoulders and started it up.
	"Shin'ne!" she exclaimed, revving the engine and then taking off 
down the hallway after a frantic Chaos. Numerous male dormers leapt out 
of the way of the run-amok motorcycle that cruised across Greenwood's 
halls.
	"Yare yare," Mitsuru remarked, stifling a yawn as he stumbled out 
of bed. "Do they have to start this early in the morning?"
	Shinobu merely gave an amused grin as he poked his head out the 
door, just in time to see a new set of SD footprints being made on the 
ceiling and a new set of treadmarks being left on the floor. "We should 
arrange a pay-per-view fight with those two," he remarked. "If played 
right, we could make a fortune for a 'best two out of three' series." 
	Suddenly a most unexpected thing happened. Unexpected in the sense 
that a cute blonde girl stuck her head right through the wall, making a 
playful face at Chaos. 

Ghost: ^-^ "Boo!"

Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

	*CRUNCH!!!*

	By now Beans had managed to catch up to Chaos--though mainly due 
to the fact that he was now trying his hand at being a wall tapestry. It 
might have worked out too...had he not been freaking out over the fact 
that the young girl who had surprised him was now walking through the 
wall.
	"Ohayo gozaimasu!" the deceased junior high student said, a large 
and cheerful smile on her face.
	"M-M-Misako!" Chaos shrieked, waving his arm at the kawaii ghost. 
"What are you doing here?!"
	Misako looked at him a little closer. "Have we met before?"
	"Um...." Chaos replied uneasily, twiddling his thumbs.
	It took Beans a moment after parking her newly acquired motorcycle 
on top of Chaos's crotch, and then dismounting, to recognize who the 
young lady in question was. She snapped her fingers. "You're the ghost 
who fell in love with Mitsuru!"
	"And then decided to bring a bunch of her ghost girlfriends to 
Greenwood to haunt us for dates," Hasukawa added dryly, shuffling down 
the hallway in his casual clothes. He gave Misako a rather unimpressed 
look. "Why do you keep coming back anyways?"
	Misako stuck out her tongue in embarrassment.
	"She's just naturally attracted to Mitsuru's magnetic 
personality," Shinobu quipped, patting Mitsuru on the shoulders as the 
two roommates showed up.
	"Laugh it up, why don't you?" Mitsuru said dryly to his co-
conspirator.
	Yet instead of fawning all over Mitsuru as she usually did, Misako 
found herself staring dreamily into Chaos' eyes. Chaos shrank back, 
kitty ears instantly popping up as Misako sat down in front of him.
	"A-Ano ne...." he stammered.
	"Kakkoi," Misako abruptly exclaimed. "You'd make an even better 
boyfriend than Mitsuru!"
	There was dead silence from everyone who had gathered to watch the 
unfolding spectacle. Not one student there could hide the stunned 
expression on their face. Given Chaos' expression, one might have 
thought he had just discovered he really was Hysteria's father.
	"N-N-Na ni?!" he said, aghast. "What makes you think I'd be a good 
boyfriend? What about Mitsuru: he's cute, smart, any cut on his face 
heals within a minute--"
	"He snores loudly when he sleeps," Shinobu countered.
	Mitsuru elbowed him in the ribs for that.
	"I don't know why," Misako sighed, crawling on the floor towards 
the really panicky fanboy. "But I just feel safe when I'm around you. As 
if we knew each other in another life."
	"But this is my first time in the Greenwood OVAs!" Chaos whined, 
sweatdrops hovering all around his head. "Mitsuru, a little help here?"
	And so Mitsuru stepped in, a solemn look in his face. He knelt 
down beside Chaos...and then slapped him heartily on the back. "You more 
than have my blessing to date Duo!" he said happily, unable to conceal 
the grin on his face.
	"Hey!" Chaos protested. "Mitsuru, you can't be serious!"
	Shinobu shrugged. "Better you having to jump to other rooms to 
change than us. We've done our penance in dealing with ghosts." He 
grinned at Chaos. "Consider this a colourful initiation to Greenwood."
	"Hai, Shinobu-sempai!" Beans replied with a broad grin on her 
face. She quietly pulled out a clipboard for consultation. "Let's 
see...get Misako to fall for Chaos: check!"

Misako: ^^ [floating next to Chaos] "Duo-chan, let's have a bath 
together!"

Chaos: [erk!] "Hotaru's gonna kill me if she finds out about this."

Beans: "You and the rest of your fics courtesy of her Silence 
Glaive...say, that's not a bad idea at all!"

Chaos: [grrr!] "You stay out of this!!"

Misako: "Duo-chaaaaaan!"

Shinobu: "Oh, and Duo; don't make her cry. If that happens, we're 
charging you for the clean-up fees from her poltergeist moments."

Chaos: --;; "......"

					*	*	*
	Relegated to dorm room #217, Chaos sat on the edge of his top 
bunk, legs dangling over the side. He warily looked over his shoulder; 
Misako was seated right next to him, smiling happily at their time spent 
together.
	"At least she's not brandishing that killer can opener," Beans 
chuckled, sprawled out on her own bunk. "Her seiyuu is Hotaru's seiyuu 
too, ne? Maybe Misako's affections are a holdover from the ones Hotaru 
has in your pseudo-Sailor Moon universe."
	"Shut up," Chaos huffed, glancing back over at the grinning female 
ghost. "Don't you have some *other* cute Anime guy to haunt? I can hook 
you up with one of Sarcasm's 47 Shonen; she won't notice if only one is 
missing."
	Misako giggled. "But he wouldn't be you, Duo-chan."
	Beans let out a deliberately loud and wistful sigh. "Ah, young 
love."
	"That's it!" Chaos snapped. "Prepare to be smited, Beans!"
	Suddenly a cow dropped through the ceiling and crashed right 
through the floor. Beans, Misako and Chaos all leaned over the edge of 
their beds to gawk at the enormous hole in the floor. Somewhere in 
another poor schmuck's dorm room, a stunned cow was busy picking itself 
up off the floor, and grazing on a term paper due the next morning.
	Beans and Misako slowly turned to Chaos.
	"If anyone asks," he stated. "we saw nothing."

					*	*	*
	It was day #2 of the Bean Wars, and counting.
	Chaos poked his head around the corner to the cafeteria. Once he 
was certain that *she* wasn't there, he came the rest of the way into 
the room. He had woken up this morning to find that Beans was gone, and 
that he was duct taped and hung upside-down from the ceiling. Freeing 
himself of the tape took longer then he expected, thus accounting for 
his being late for breakfast--not to mention his lack of eyebrows. 
	"At least I'm getting better at it with all the practice she gives 
me," he remarked cheerfully.
	Of course, things had been complicated when he crashed headfirst 
onto the floor--only to find Misako there, patiently awaiting him to 
wake up. And she had a few questions she wanted answered about the 
negligee he had worn to bed. Namely if she could try some on.
	Chaos got himself some breakfast before sitting down to eat.  It 
wasn't long before other dormmates sat down around him.
	"Hey, you're one of the new students that transferred in recently, 
right? I'm Tochizawa," a student with glasses said, sitting down beside 
him on the bench. Two more guys sat down across from them. "This is 
Yoshiki and Tatsuro; they have the room right beneath yours."
	Chaos just blinked. "Um...what cow?" he asked innocently enough.

Everyone: [staring at Chaos] "......"

Scrolling 'wind' kana: *hwooooooooo....*

	"Just don't jump up and down or play loud music, and we'll get 
along just fine," Yoshiki said with a smile to take the edge off of the 
valid warning.
	"The guy who lived in the room before you was recently expelled 
for sneaking girls into the dorms. He wasn't very *quiet* when 
entertaining company, if you catch my drift," Tatsuro said by way of 
explanation.
	"Oh, there won't be any problems," Chaos assured quickly. "Though 
random screaming isn't out of the question...."
	
Tatsuro: "What?"

Chaos: ^^ "Nothing!"

	"That reminds me," Yoshiki added. "Do you have any idea how a 
large Holstein cow ended up inside our room last night?"
	Tatsuro nodded. "He had some kind of weird brand on him too. What 
was it? 'You've just been smited by His lordship Chaos'?"
	Chaos smiled nervously and waved their questions aside. "Oh, I'm 
sure that sort of thing happens more often than you think."
	"Whatever," Yoshiki sighed, getting up from the table. "Shinobu 
said he'd find us a way to make money off it. Ne, Tatsuro, have you seen 
my term paper? I had it laying on my desk last night, and now I can't 
find it."

Chaos: ^^;; "Um...what cow?"

	"Woah! Hold it!"
	Everyone froze, looking over to one side the cafeteria.
	"Cut!" the new voice shouted.
	Just offside the walls of the Studio Anipike set, His lordship 
Chaos walked onto the cafeteria scene. A script of "Bean Wars!" rolled 
up in his hand, he shook his head. "Okay, time we talked again, people."
	Seated in the producer's chair, Greenbeans sighed. "Yare yare. 
We're three weeks behind schedule and this is only the first day of 
filming too."
	"What's wrong now?" Ophelia asked, leaning on Beans' shoulder as 
they listened to the director of the fanfic.
	"Look, fact of the matter is people are starting to actually make 
sense of this fic," His lordship Chaos stated. "From here on in, we've 
got to pull off the scenes faster and more mindlessly."
	The entire cast rolled their collective eyes.

Pesti: "Not again! If we redo this scene once more, it'll be the 152nd 
take! Do the rest of us *have* to wait around here? My masseuse hates it 
when I'm late for an appointment."

Carnage: [sigh!] "If anyone needs me, I'll be in my trailer with Rei and 
Miyu."

Ophelia: "You had better not be rocking it again like last night. I 
couldn't get to sleep with your trailer banging into mine."

Carnage: ^-^ "You're welcome to join us! We're going to have another 
rousing game of Spank the Shinma slayer tonight!"

Ophelia: [lobbing a boom mike at Carnage] "HENTAI!!"

Havoc: [British accent] "I say, would anyone like to play a game of 
Scrabble?"

Beans: "I'm up for it if we have the time. Care for some Jello while we 
play?"

Havoc: [wince!] "Oh, no! Gives me indigestion something fierce, I'm 
afraid."

His lordship Chaos: "Okay, we break for a half hour, people! I want the 
set technicians working with me to get this door sequence right! 
Cameraman Dan, we need to adjust the wideshot angles for the cafeteria 
scene."

Pesti: [yawn!] "I do not need this so early in the morning. Could I get 
a bottle of Evian here?! Ne, anyone see where Mako-chan disappeared to?"

Greenbeans: "She had the day off from Bean Wars. They're filming another 
Sailor Moon fanfic in Anipike Studio 54."

Chaos: [teary Bambi eyes!] "Mako-chan's nearby! It must be fate! I come, 
my queen goddess Senshi above all!"

	[Cue the oversized Tallgeese II Gundam marionette which falls from 
the sky and smites Chaos!]

His lordship Chaos: "Not a chance. You need to work on your lines, 
buddy."

Greenbeans: "Not to mention your timing."

Beans: [smiling as she walks by Chaos] "Are we having fun yet?"

Chaos: ;.; "Jo'o-samaaaa...."

					*	*	*
	Beans happily strolled through room 217's door, humming a quaint 
little tune resembling the "New Wave Heroines" tango to herself.
	"And where the hell have you been?" Chaos inquired coldly, looking 
up from where he sat at the edge of his bunk.
	"I don't see that as being any of your business," Beans shot back.
	So with the pleasantries out of the way, Beans and Chaos decided 
to let avatars be avatars--even if some avatars were crossdressing ones-
-and then proceeded to getting into yet another hissy fit over the lake 
god.
	"Just why are you doing something as childish as this?" Chaos 
asked. 
	"I'm childish?" Beans said incredulously. "I'm childish?! Look who 
told Havoc my lake god was female, you cross-dressing fic floozie!"
Chaos stuck out his tongue in response. "You're just jealous because 
I've gotten in touch with my feminine side more than you ever could, you 
self-inserted tomboy."
	And just to prove his point, Chaos leaped off the bunk and landed 
upon the floor, suddenly dressed in a tight and waaaay-to-revealing 
black tubetop and matching hotpants. A spotlight appeared over him, and 
Chaos proceeded to do a fanboy dance, singing: "Tokyo girl, Tokyo girl, 
you've got the moves to rule the world."
	Abruptly the door was opened up, Shun and Hasukawa taking a step 
in...right before they remained frozen in shock and terror at seeing 
Chaos do his big Riverdance finish along with a chorusline of li'l 
super-deformed Utena characters.

Shun: o.O "......"

Hasukawa: [nasty eyebrow twitch] "A...Ano...."

	Beans could only shake her head. "Yare yare. Um, we're a little 
busy right now." She glanced back at Chaos, who was now busy trying to 
calmly prance across the room as Catastrophe-chan gnawed on his leg. 
"Could you come back in a few minutes?"
	Hasukawa slowly nodded, bugged out eyes still morbidly fixated on 
the tap-dancing fanboy in drag. Very quietly and certain Chaos could 
sense their fear, Shun and Hasukawa backed out of the dorm room and 
closed the door.
	As the door clicked shut, Chaos leaped onto his knees and slid 
across the floor, arms raised above his head as he did his final move. 
Beans decided to give him an encore by yanking on a pan-dimensional rope 
hanging next to her head. 

Beans: "Super Octopus Crushing Press!"

	Seconds later Chaos found more than roses being thrown in his 
direction as an oversized stone statue of an octopus, wearing a sash 
with the words "Ye Bean goddess' royal fury" scrawled across it, crashed 
down on top of him. 
	Beans leaned over to appraise the twitching limb that had managed 
to escape the pulverizing. "Did you like my revue of your performance?" 
she inquired with an evil smile.
	"Perhaps I should have just stuck with The Phantom Quest Corp of 
the Opera," Chaos' voice warbled from beneath the statue.
	"Hai!" Misako's voice chimed in.
	Beans recoiled in surprise upon seeing the cute female ghost 
standing next to her. Yet Misako seemed unaware of freaking everyone 
out, and proceeded to sit down next to Chaos as he pulled himself out 
from beneath the statue.
	The squashed fanboy paused upon seeing Misako' quiet yet obsessive 
smile. He groaned, massaging his forehead. "Noooo! Beans, make her 
stop!"
	"I'm not actually writing this," Beans replied evenly, opening the 
window in their room to get a breath of fresh air. "All I did was send 
us into the Anime; the story's making itself up as we go along. You can 
only hope things don't get worse for yourself."
	Chaos glanced at Misako. "And just how could that *possibly* 
happen?"
	"You could become Yoshiki's new boyfriend."
	Chaos promptly facevaulted.
	"Ne ne," Misako whispered into his ear. "Can we sleep together 
again tonight?"
	Chaos' eyebrow twitched. "I can't take this anymore!" he 
exclaimed, pulling out his henshin. "Misako, the truth is I'm not 
actually a guy. I'm a girl masquerading as a guy."
	"So much for denying to be one of those icky transsexual 
Starlights," Beans remarked dryly.
	"Hush!" Chaos snapped, pointing a finger at Beans. He raised the 
henshin into the air. "Fanboy Planet Power: Make Up!!"
	And in the usual flashy two minute sequence of nekkid silhouettes, 
sparkles and flying ribbons, Chaos transformed into Sailor Haley. He-
er, she struck a rather girlish pose to reveal her cleavage.
	
Chaos: "See, Misako? I'm a cute young girl--and way better built than 
Beans ever could be."
	
Beans: [irate SD Mame mode] "What?!"

	Suddenly a lasso was flung through the open window, the loop 
falling right around Chaos. The surprised fanboy/girl glanced down at 
the rope, sweatdropping momentarily before the loop around his--er, her 
shoulders tightened and she was unceremoniously yanked through the 
window.

Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

	A surprised Misako turned to Beans. "What just happened?"
	Beans could only shake her head. "I have no idea."

					*	*	*
	Somewhere in the lava lamp-like world that was the Outside of 
Story, Ophelia sat in front of a computer screen. She looked at the 
gargoyle, who was still stubbornly hoarding all the chocolate pocky.
	With a sigh, she continued to try and scroll through the Bean Wars 
fic to see what had happened to Chaos. A few paragraphs later she found 
the answer. "Beans," she said, slipping on her headset. "According to 
what I'm reading, Chaos just got kidnapped by Nagisa."
	"Shinobu's psychotic sister?" Beans' voice came crackling through 
the earphones. "I didn't have that written in my outline for this 
story!"
	Ophelia could only shrug. "Well whether or not you planned it, he 
just got abducted. I think I can find out where she's taken him, but I 
don't know for certain."
	A groan came on the other side of the line. "Shimatta! Give me a 
minute and I'll be right there. I don't want Chaos to get smited and I 
wind up missing it."
	Ophelia blinked and looked at the gargoyle.
	Christabel merely gave a smug grin.
	"Okay," Ophelia admitted. "Maybe Beans is taking this a little 
more personal than usual. But it's not like Chaos doesn't deserve it!"
	"But does anyone deserve Nagisa Tezuka?" Christabel inquired.
	Ophelia tossed the latest Chaosfic over the gargoyle's way. And 
Christabel promptly spat out her pocky. 
	"Neon Genocyber Evangelion?" The Gargoyle winced. "Maybe we're 
letting him off easy with just Nagisa."

					*	*	*
	Yes indeed, just when you thought it was safe to change genders, 
who should show up but. Having kidnapped the now female Chaos in her 
decision to no longer be after cute boys, but after pretty young girls, 
Nagisa threw Chaos into the back of her private limousine and drove off.
	A short time later found Chaos stripped out of all his clothes 
save his--er, her underwear. The de-fuku'd Senshi slowly looked up to 
the towering form of Nagisa Tezuka standing over him.
	Letting out a maniacal laugh, Nagisa gloated over her newest plan. 
"Finally, I can get back at Shinobu!" she crooned. "Not to mention have 
my way with such an adorable little girl."
	"And just what part about these breasts are little?" Chaos 
retorted. "Just who are you anyways?"
	Nagisa let out one of her patented maniacal laughs.
	Despite cringing at the sound, Chaos snapped her fingers in 
recognition. "That's right! You're Nagisa! The one Shun call Shinobu's 
'sicko, perverted, S&M dominatrix sister'!"
	"WHO'S A PERVERTED DOMINATRIX?!" the oversized demonic head of 
Nagisa shouted at him. She pulled out a whip, suddenly going into Red 
Queen Nagisa mode.
	Chaos immediately dropped to her knees, frantically bowing down to 
appease the Red Queen. "Jo'o-samaaaaa!!!"
	Nagisa smiled. "That's better." She sat down next to Chaos, 
sliding her arm over the sweatdropping otaku's shoulder. "Now then, 
where shall we start?"
	Suddenly a large flash of light exploded inside the room, and who 
should leap into the scene but Beans and Ophelia. Ophelia was sporting 
her usual attire--while Beans had decided to be a little more daring 
with an MiB (Mame in Black) ensemble. The shades and trenchcoat were a 
nice touch. However Chaos was a little leery about all the octopi lining 
the inside of her coat and strapped in various places along the sides of 
her body. Regardless, anyone other than Nagisa was welcome.
	"You've come to save me after all!" a teary-eyed female Chaos 
exclaimed happily, nuzzling her face in Beans' bosom.
	"Do I look I'm a Rule 3 kind of avatar?!" Beans snapped irately, 
booting Chaos back across the room and into Nagisa's arms. She looked 
back at Ophelia. "Say nothing about The Authors Must Be Crazy."
	Ophelia raised her hands innocently. "Hai hai."
	"Now then, I'm here to see Nagisa have her way with you," Beans 
told Chaos. "When I learned she was the one who had kidnapped you, I 
could hardly resist appearing to watch you get smited by her."
	Chaos sulked, reverting into SD Haley mode. "Well aren't we a 
little snippy today."
	Nagisa, meanwhile, was busy looking from one avatar to the next. 
"Just who are you people?!" she exclaimed.
	"chu chu!"
	Nagisa blinked in surprise. "'chu'?"
	She looked down and found Catastrophe-chan seated happily in her 
lap, the baby SD Godzilla thingy's tail thumping against the armrest of 
the couch. And with that, Nagisa promptly freaked.

Nagisa: [recoiling] "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

	She leapt up from the couch, catapulting Catastrophe right into 
Beans' arms. However the jolt caused something to fall out from the 
pockets of her trenchcoat. 
	Chaos' eyes widened upon seeing the remote control of the gods 
land on the ground. "It's mine!" he shouted, flinging himself across the 
floor. And with any luck, the carpet burns he got would be fully healed 
in a week or so.
	Triumphant, Chaos' index finger hovered over one of the buttons of 
the remote control. "So long, Beanie! I'm going home!"
	
Catastrophe: ^-^ "chu chu!"

Chaos: o.O "No Catastrophe! Not the 'delete' button! Not the--!!"

	[CLICK!]

	And with that, Chaos vanished from sight, leaving a thoroughly 
stunned Nagisa staring at Beans and Ophelia. Catastrophe happily bounded 
into Ophelia's arms, chewing on her pacifier while playfully hooting.
	"I doubt he's gotten far," Beans stated. "Let's get back to the 
Outside of Story before he escapes."
	"W-Wait!" Nagisa protested.
	But Beans, Ophelia, and their newly adopted token carnivorous 
mascot vanished in a flash of white light. Nagisa was fuming in the 
empty room, her entire body ready to severely and vicious thrash 
whatever she could find.
	"This is all your fault, I know it," she growled. "Shinobu...!!!"	

					*	*	*
	Somewhere along the rim of Outside of Story, Beans and Ophelia 
walked into an area that was nothing but white.
	"Looks like we get to go hunting for a fanboy," remarked Ophelia. 
"This is your fault though, for letting him get the remote like that."
	Beans rolled her eyes. "Like he's ever known how to use it in the 
first place. The remote is tied into the Fangate now; he can only go 
into other Animes. His resident fanfic's off-limits, and we can still 
use the portals on our own to track him down." 
	She pulled out a cellular phone and dialed a number. 
	"Christabel," she said once someone came on the other line. "You 
ready to hook us up with our weapons?"
	"What do you need?" came the gargoyle's voice.
	"Octopi," Beans replied over her phone. "Lots of octopi."
	Suddenly two enormous blurs of black shot across the wide expanse 
of white, one blur on either side of the two ladies. The dark streaks 
slowed to a stop, revealing rows upon rows of nonchalant octopi sitting 
there and doing very little.
	Ophelia shook her head. "You and your octopus obsession."
	Beans could only shrug. "Their author's done it so many times with 
me, it's become a force of habit. Once we do away with Chaos, I can keep 
those guys in the aquarium where they belong."
	She took an octopus from off the shelf, and gave a slight tug to 
one of its tentacles to prime it. "Ready?"
	Ophelia gestured to the great beyond. "Mames first."

					*	*	*
	GUNSMITH CHAOS 
		(or, Riding Beans)

	"How the hell do you drive stick shift?!" Chaos exclaimed angrily. 
Trying to steer with one hand and downshift with the other was proving a 
slight bit harder than it looked on the 'High Speed Racing For Dummies' 
book.
	He glared at Bean Bandit. "Of course this wouldn't have happened 
if we had taken the Seaside route like I had suggested."
	"Urusai!" Bean snapped, yanking hard on the steering wheel. "You 
paid for a professional escape driver, and I'm it--unless you want to 
get out and walk. So stop trying to steer my car!"
	He picked up Chaos and tossed the panicky li'l otaku into the back 
seat. "Just how someone like you ever managed to get the cash to hire me 
is beyond understanding."
	"I won second prize in a beauty contest, I'll have you know," 
Chaos sniffled. He glanced out the rear windshield, eyes bugging out in 
terror as he saw another sports car floor through traffic, weaving in 
between numerous other vehicles until it pulled up alongside Bean 
Bandit's Mach One.
	"I've almost got him!" Beans exclaimed, decked up as Minni May 
Hopkins. She looked down to Ophelia, who was at the wheel of Rally's 
Shelby Cobra. "Swing closer to him and I'll drop the grenades."
	Naturally Chaos freaked.
	"Must go faster!" he exclaimed, frantically tapping Bean Bandit's 
shoulder.
	"I am!" Bean Bandit snapped.
	"No no no no! Must go really fast! Must--"
	Suddenly an octopus crashed through the window, pummeling Chaos on 
the side of the face. Upon impact, the stunned undersea invertebrate let 
loose a blast of ink that squirted Bean Bandit in the face.
	The car veered out of control for a few moments, taking out a 
hapless 'Wu' who just happened to be crossing the road at the time.

Yakumo: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

	*CRUNCH!*

Pai: [wince!] "Ooooh, that must have hurt. Yakumo, speak to Pai!" 

	A very unimpressed Bean Bandit wiped some of the ink off his face. 
From behind his shades, his eyes narrowed upon seeing the octopus ink 
all over the seats. "Playing in the middle of traffic and trying to kill 
me is one thing," he growled, showing off his enormous fangs. "But one 
thing you don't *EVER* do is stain my upholstery!"
	"What about me?" came the muffled voice of Chaos, whose face was 
still pinned to the window by the stunned octopus.
	Just then, Beans lobbed a number of grenades at the Mach One. Bean 
Bandit swerved to miss the multiple explosions that rocked the street, 
the momentum sending them into opposing traffic. Cars scattered in every 
direction as Bean Bandit made a fast exit onto one of Chicago's side 
streets.
	"This is getting rather personal," he muttered. "What the hell did 
you do to piss her off like this?"
	"How should I know?" Chaos retorted, trying to pry the octopus off 
his face. "Since when have we ever been able to understand women?"
	Bean Bandit looked out the rearview mirror. "Okay, we've managed 
to lose her. I've completed my end of the bargain, fanboy. Now that your 
female hitmen are out of sight, I want to see the second half of my 
money."

Chaos: ^^ [kawaii Bambi eyes] "Ano...you take debit card?"

	Seconds later, he was unceremoniously pitched out of Bean Bandit's 
car. "Well see if I ever read the manga again!" the irate fanboy shouted 
after the fleeting Mach One. "And your OVA sucked too!!"
	Chaos was suddenly crushed by an oversized pink grenade (with 
lipstick marks on it) that fell from the sky for no apparent reason. As 
the dust settled from the falling incendiary, who should pull up but 
Beans and Ophelia in the Shelby Cobra. Ophelia was the first to rush out 
and grapple onto the twitching wrist sticking out from the crater.
	Beans chuckled. "So, Chaos, you thought that you could outrun my 
car by going into SD mode and moving twice as fast? A shame it never 
worked out--though I commend you for hiring Bean Bandit. A glimmer of 
brilliance amidst your cloud of stupidity."
	Abruptly the captured otaku was pulled out from the wreckage to 
reveal--!!

Beans: o.O  "Desolation?!"

Desolation: [giving a sigh of relief] "Yes! Finally, a familiar face! 
I've been lost in that closet for a week now!"

Ophelia: [sweatdrop!] "Um...what closet?"

Beans: [eyebrow twitch!] "That's not Chaos! Ophelia, you captured the 
wrong fanboy!"

Ophelia: "But they all look the same from the back."

Beans: --;; "......"

	Beans turned around, and instantly facevaulted upon seeing Havoc 
behind the counter of a Starbuck Nekkid Coffee stand.
	"Ne, you look stressed, Mame-chan," he remarked. "How about we fix 
you up a nice Miwohochino. You can help make the drink yourself, since 
it is freshly squeezed from the most delectable of--"
	Abruptly Beans' hand shot up from the floor, grappling into 
Havoc's lips and yanking them over the side. She glared at the Hentenno. 
"You make one more innuendo about the Coffee Rant," she snarled. "And 
I'll staplegun your lips to the first bishounen's butt I can find."
	"Decaff it is," Havoc's lips replied.

					*	*	*
	The fanfic's camera lens traces across a wide sky with a few wisps 
of clouds in them. It then pans down to chase after a small, white, 
blurred, flying animal. As it catches up, we can see that it's the 
babbit from 'Child's Toy'. The babbit flies up to a rock overhang where 
an important event is occurring.

SD-Elton John: [singing] "It's the circle of li--"

Babbit: "Cut! Cut! Cut!"

	[Scene change to a rock ledge!]

	A small bundle of joy is just getting its feet under it.  Chibi-
Totoro smiles broadly up at its not-so-chibi parents.  They coo at it 
lovingly before the next scene change hits.

	[BAM!]

	His Weirdship Chaos paced back and forth in his oversized tent. 
He'd been camping out for countless days now. It all started when he was 
kicked out of a Tokyo-3 trailer park. He was then kicked off of Mazoku 
property by Xellos for causing a disturbance among the 650 and older 
group. Things only got worse when he let Desolation have the map, and 
now he was stuck *here*--the middle of no where.

Chaos: --;; [looking at the map] "Desolation's not kidding. 'Middle of 
Nowhere.' Damn, he even had it circled too. He seems to visit here a 
lot."

	"This is all Beans' fault," he muttered, crumpling the map up and 
tossing it over his shoulder. "I'll get her for this."

	[Babbit symbol scene change]

Beans: [waves at him in a most inappropriate way] "Forget you, Chaos! I 
know how to read a map!" 

	[Another Babbit symbol]

	Chibi-Totoro and its mentor, Babbit, explored the world that would 
one day be its to rule. It didn't know much about the world, but it 
looked forward to growing up and the adventures that it would bring.

Chibi-Catbus: *ROWL!* [pounces on C-T] "I got you!"

	Chibi-Totoro broke free of the Chibi-Catbus and shook itself off.

Chibi-Totoro: "Aww, cut it out now!  One day, I'm going to be King!"

	[Cue music in the background!]

Babbit: "We don't need to see this! No singing, please! Cut! AHH!"

	[Woooosh!]

	Chaos stomped around the outback looking for something to do. If 
he could just find a way out of this author-forsaken place....  
	Then an idea hit him!

Chaos: x.x "Itaaaaiiii! That was uncalled for!"

	He could capture a Catbus and make it take him back to Tokyo! He'd 
seen plenty of mascots running about already.  Capturing a Chocobo had 
backfired on him when he discovered that they really didn't like Greens, 
they liked chocolate. And after it ate all of his and then got away, 
Chaos was still out of luck. 	That incident with the Nagamon hadn't 
helped either--though the insane cackling from that rare breed of 
Jigglychest Pokemon had resulted in Mokona exploding quite nicely into a 
big & fluffy marshmallow fireball. Unfortunately Cephiro collapsed a few 
seconds later, but no one could really prove that it was Chaos who had 
introduced a foreign Anime mascot species into an ecosystem unsuitable 
for it.
	Capturing a cabbit had proven to be more difficult than he had 
expected as well. They were tricky little buggers that had a habit of 
eating and running that was more annoying than the Chocobos. The fact 
that Ryo-Oki had suddenly turned into a spaceship and mowed him down 
didn't help his disposition either.
	No, a Catbus would be his ticket out of here. All he had to do was 
catch one. Miraculously enough, and against his usual string of luck, a 
chibi Totoro and Catbus could be seen playing in the brush not far away 
from him. Chaos sneaked the best he could (meaning crashing through the 
brush as he tripped over random mascots and received branches to the 
head. Fortunately for him, they were oblivious) up on the unsuspecting 
Catbus.
	One step.
	Two.
	Poun--!
	"Wait!" a woman's voice exclaimed.
	The chibi Ghibli creatures continued playing as Chaos looked for 
the source. "That voice sounds suspiciously familiar," he mused to 
himself. His eyes suddenly went into teary Bambi mode. "Mako-chan! 
You've come to rescue me!"
	"What the--? I'm not Sailor Jupiter, you twit!"
	Chaos spotted an silhouetted figure standing on a rock ledge, the 
sun blazing brightly behind her so that he couldn't identify the person. 
As though on cue, the sun dimmed and he gasped in surprise.
	"Defending the world of the innocent Totoros from evil Fanboys, I 
am the magical Author, Ophelia!" the heroine proclaimed. "In the name of 
Fanfiction everywhere, I will smack down your ass, Chaos!!"  

Tuxedo Kekko Kamen: --;; "That's *my* job."

	[Cue Ruckus suddenly popping up!]

Ruckus: ^^ [dragging the hapless Capeboy off] "Not anymore!"

	Ophelia leapt from the ledge to land lightly & right in front of 
his startled lordship.
	"Jo'o-sama!" Chaos shrieked. He SD'd and tried to scurry away, but 
Ophelia caught his shirt tails before he could dash back to Tokyo. 
Lifting him up off the ground, she clucked her tongue at him as his arms 
and legs blurred in his efforts to escape her.
	"Thought I'd let you get away with attacking a Totoro, did you?" 
she growled.
	"NO! I wasn't aiming for the Totoro, I wanted the Catbus--(o.O) 
Oops!" He covered his mouth with is hands.
	"WHAT?!" she thundered, loud enough for it to reverberate 
throughout the fanfic. "You would hurt an innocent CATBUS?!"
	"NONONONONO! I just wanted a ride home!" he shrieked, the fear of 
the vengeful author well instilled within him.
	"I'll help you out!" Ophelia jumped back up to the ledge where a 
small football tee was sitting off to the side. She positioned it, then 
Chaos upon it. His calling her the Queen continued as she practiced a 
few kicks before positioning herself.
	"You really don't want to do this!" His footballness Chaos pled.
	"Oh yes, I do," She grinned evilly.
	"But I'm only half-finished my latest Chaosfic classic: K.O. 
Century Beast Wars, featuring DinoBud! Think about it: Dinobot 
transforms into a giant chicken whenever he gets goosebumps!"
	Ophelia' eyebrow twitched. "Now I REALLY want to do this," she 
stated. Ophelia then ran up to the tee and punted him with a skill that 
would be envied by many in the professional football leagues (Canadian 
or otherwise ;)
	"JOOOO'O-SAAAAMMMAAAA!" Chaos' voice died out as he entered lower 
orbit. "Hmph! I just knew I should have mentioned Carnage's Nekotank 
Hell Custom."
	Ophelia put her hands up to indicated the kick was good.  She then 
did a small jig. Below her, the chibi Totoro and Catbus remained 
oblivious of the predator that almost damaged them psychologically for 
life.

					*	*	*
	AKAZUKIN CHACHAOS

	Six year-old versions of Beans and Chaos found themselves staring 
at each other in an elementary school hallway. Surprised to say the 
least by this unexpected development, Beans blinked a number of times. 
The world seemed a little larger than she last remembered it to be.
	"Well now, Beans," Chaos stated, hautily folding his arms over his 
chest. "You had your fun sending me into other Animes...but this time I 
get to repay the favour!"
	Beans didn't seem all that impressed. "Do you even know where we 
are?"
	Chaos grinned, the kana for 'call me the Otaking!' scrolling in 
behind him--and subsequently crashing through the wall. "Ha! I didn't 
just click us into another mere Anime this time, Beans. I inserted both 
of us in as actual characters!"
	Taking a moment to appraise her clothes, Beans felt her stomach 
sink upon seeing herself dressed in a blue shirt, and with hair long 
enough to be put back into a small ponytail. "I don't believe this," she 
groaned. "Chaos, please tell me you didn't stuck us into the Anime I 
think you did."
	Chaos stuck out his tongue. "Behold Akazukin ChaCha, episode 4," 
he stated, gesturing to the hallway. "After everyone in Class Banana 
swallows a love potion that makes them fall in love with a mermaid, it 
becomes a vicious fight to the finish for her affections. I'm here as 
Red Riding Hood ChaCha--"
	He paused to fluff out his dress and red hooded cloak.
	"And you get to be Riiya-kun, the werewolf who turns into a kawaii 
little puppy." An evil grin appeared on Chaos' face. "And as everyone 
knows, the best way to take care of a wolf is by using...the Three 
Little Pigs!!!"
	A sweatdrop appeared next to Beans' head. "Um, Chaos?" she asked 
quietly. "Have you actually seen this episode of ChaCha before?"
	Chaos shrugged. "I read a paragraph of the synopsis on the Net 
about two weeks ago. It doesn't really matter, does it?"
	
Beans [smacking her forehead] "Baka. Just please don't turn into 
Princess Holy Up."

Chaos: [pointing to the skies] "Come out, Three Little Pigs!"

	[Cue the trio of oversized piggies!]

Chaos: o.O "They're a little bigger than I thought they'd be."

	He pointed to the first oversized little pig (oxymoron that is). 
"Finish her off with your ultimate attack!" he thundered. "This shall be 
the decisive victory with which I shall triumph in the Bean Wars once 
and for all!"
	The first little pig tromped forward, each step causing the floor 
and walls to reverberate. And by this time, Beans was already getting a 
good headstart down the corridor.

Little Pig #1: "Before me, straw!!"

	Chaos grinned, his kawaii kitty ears popping up. "Let's see you 
get out of this one, Beans."
	Suddenly from above came a torrential downpour of straw, flooding 
the entire hallway. Chaos' grin faded as he noticed a large and ominous 
shadow looming over him. And upon turning around and seeing the tidal 
wave of straw, he immediately freaked.

Chaos: o.O [frantically pointing] "Tsu...tsu...TSUNAMI!!!"

	Off the terrified little fanboy shot, racing for all his super-
deformed body was worth in an effort to escape the onslaught of straw. 
However he still got swept away, flailing about in the middle of all the 
straw. The straw blew through doors and poured out windows, 
unceremoniously catapulting Chaos into the courtyard.
	Chaos coughed and hacked as his head popped out from the enormous 
haystack. "What the hell is this?" he exclaimed. "Since when does that 
happen in the episode?!"
	"I told you not to use those pigs!" Beans snapped, her head 
popping up alongside Chaos'. "In Akazukin ChaCha, these guys wind up 
destroying the entire school--and smiting both of us in the process!"
	A sweatdrop appeared next to Chaos' head. "Um...oops?"
	"Yeah," Beans agreed darkly. "'Oops.'"

Little Pig #2: "Before me, wood!"

Chaos: "And just how does this make it my fault, Beans? You should have 
told me before I--!"

Beans: [shuffling off] "You might want to move."

Chaos: "Why?"

	[Cue the oversized trees exploding from the ground!]

	Armed with a set of binoculars, Beans watched as Chaos wound up 
getting launched into the air as a rather enormous tree erupted from 
beneath his feet. 
	There was a moment of silence after all the trees sprouted up. 
	Only the rustling of leaves could be heard.
	And somewhere amidst all the greenery, Chaos could be seen 
twitching as his face rather painfully communed with nature. He slowly 
glanced over to one of the Kodamas who was sitting on the branch next to 
him, its little white head rattling and clicking away. 
	"Oh, shut up," he growled.
	Well the Kodama might have been friendly, but it still didn't take 
too kindly to the snippy fanboy, and promptly punted Chaos out from the 
tree. Beans gave him a solid 9.0 for his face-first landing on the 
ground.
	Moments later Chaos leaped back onto his feet, waving his fist up 
at the Kodama. "You think that's funny, huh?" he shouted. "Well try this 
on for size: I laughed in Mononoke Hime when you guys were wiped out!"
	He was instantly stomped on by the Night god.
	"You really do love sucking on that foot in your mouth, don't 
you?" Beans asked.
	"Hush!" Chaos snapped from beneath the god's foot. "I might have 
failed with straw and wood, but with bricks I cannot go wrong!"

Little Pig #3: "Before me, bricks!"

	[Cue the armada of oversized bricks falling from the skies!]

Chaos: o.O

	And in the face of such adversity, Chaos calmly and discreetly 
handled the situation by shrieking like a girl and running off. Yet in 
the process, the remote control of the gods tumbled out from his pocket. 
Beans was there to grab hold of it immediately, pressing the 'Pause' 
button moments before Chaos would have been clobbered by the gargantuan 
bricks.

Chaos: ^^ [whew!] "Arigato, Beans!"

Beans: "Don't thank me. I just wanted a better angle to see the look on 
your face when you get smited."

Chaos: ^^ "Hai! You just wanted to see me get--(o.O) WHAT?!"

	*SPLAT!!!*

Beans: ;P "Oh, come on. Like you readers wouldn't bother pulling a stunt 
like this on him too."

	[CLICK!]

					*	*	*
	"Oh, this is just great. Where the hell are we now?" Chaos yelled 
at Beans, who was on the other side of a semi-quasi, vomit-inducing, 
psychedelic plane. He did his best to hold down his lunch as colors 
swirled past him in dizzying patterns.
	"We're between Animes, on a cell that has yet to be painted," 
Beans replied with a smirk.
	Chaos paused to consider that. "I've never been here before. Odd, 
considering how much time I've spent in the Anime world thus far." He 
warily regarded the rival avatar. "This isn't some End of Eva mindfuck 
moment, is it?"
	"No, I brought you here." Beans walked closer to him. The smirk on 
her face didn't leave as she got closer. "You see, Chaos, I now have 
this." 
	She held up the remote control of the gods. It was changed 
somehow, with a small black adapter duct-taped to the back of it.
	"What have you done with it?" Chaos demanded. He smiled. "Do we 
get free satellite TV now?"
	Her shark-like grin broadened. "You wish, fanboy. I've modified 
the remote to allow me not only to jump between Animes, but *video 
games* as well!"
	Chaos struck a terrified SD pose. "Masaka!"
	Beans launched into her own series of maniacal cackling, covering 
her mouth with the back of her hand. "OHOHOHOHO!! You forgot that I'm a 
dual major; software and *hardware*."
	Chaos facevaulted, pulling his head back up...only to now have his 
face covered with all the swirly psychedelic colours decorating the 
scene. "You've gone too far this time, Beans," he stated. "I know what 
you're trying to do. You're trying to steal my latest game idea: 
Parasite EVA!!!"
	That earned him an octopus in the face.
	And without letting the little twit speak again, Beans teleported 
them both out.

					*	*	*
	[Cue the obligatory commercial break!]

Misty: [singing & splashing in a bathtub] "Lalala...Rubber Psyduckie, 
you're the one!"

Rubber Psyduckie: "Psy Psy."

Misty: "You make Pokemon lots of fun!"

Rubber Psyduckie: "Psy Psy."

Misty: "Rubber Psyduckie, I'm awfully fond of you!"

	Yes, there you have it!
	In the hopes of cashing in on screaming children and their woe-
begotten parents, we now present to you Pokemon: gotta merchandize them 
all! Today's feature is on the rubber Psyduckie, the newest and perhaps 
greatest bathtub toy to ever enter the Anime market!
	And next we have--

Pikachu: "Pika...Pikachu!"

	[Cue an SD Carnage-chan driving in on a zambonie machine!]

SD Carnage-chan: ^-^ "I love my job."

Pikachu: "Pika?"

	*SQUISH!!*

					*	*	*
	Chaos woke up in an infirmary with a headache that could beat the 
one he had from the Greenwood transport--though it wasn't as bad as when 
that damned forest god had stomped on him. "Someone should put out a 
warning for when an otaku jumps through games," he muttered darkly.
	A female doctor leaned over him.
	"How do you feel?"
	Chaos immediately perked up as he got an eyeful of her perky 
bosoms. "Hello!" he exclaimed, sitting up. And just then he rather 
painfully rediscovered what it was like to have a nervous system.
	The lady doctor nodded as she appraised her twitching patient. "To 
be expected. You shouldn't get into fights with Seifer like that."
	"Fights?" Chaos remarked innocently. "Who said the Bean Wars were 
about fights?" He glanced away, sulking to himself. "Lousy bean...I'll 
kick her lake god-hoarding ass next time."
	The doctor scowled. "You aren't going to tell me that you were 
just practicing." She shook her head, then turned away to make a call to 
his instructor to come pick him up.


	FINAL FANBOY VIII


	The door slid open to the infirmary to admit his instructor.  
Chaos had watched the other fanboys play this game, prepping for his 
Final Fantasy Island Chaosfic--yet it was quite an interesting surprise 
when it wasn't Quistis who showed to pick him up.

Dominatrix Michiru: [evil smile!] "Ara, have you gotten into a fight 
again?  I'll have to punish you for that, you know."

Chaos: o.O;;

	"He's all yours, Instructor Kaioh," Dr. Kadowaki said. "Keep him 
out of trouble for a while." 
	The doctor smiled kindly at Chaos.
	Chaos gave a weak smile and waved. "Aha haaaa...I'm screwed. Are 
you sure I'm well enough to leave? I think I'm still dizzy." 
	He quickly faked a cough.
	Dominatrix Michiru gave him a concerned look. "What's gotten into 
you, Squall? We have too much to do today for you to play hooky. Let's 
go." 
	She took hold of his hand and gave it a solid tug to bring him to 
his feet. And with that, Dominatrix Michiru proceeded to drag the 
hapless fanboy off to his "classroom."

Chaos: [sniffling] "Jo'o-samaaaaaa...."

	[Cue an SD Beans-chan and SD Ophelia-chan popping up and taking 
over the Bean Wars!]

SD Beans-chan: ^^ "Ohayo! And welcome to...to...just what are we going 
to call this segment anyways?"

SD Ophelia-chan: [shrug!] "Nothing seems to have the same ring as 'Ask 
Mister Uber Exploder Wizard.'" 

SD Chaos-chan: ^-^ "How about 'Beanie-chan in SDland?'"

SD Beans & Ophelia: [punting Chaos out of their rant] "NO!!!"

SD Beans-chan: "Anyhoo, I just wanted to discuss my choice of casting 
Dominatrix Michiru in the FFVIII segment. She is replacing the character 
of Quistis, who is an 18 year-old instructor for SeeD."

SD Ophelia-chan: "Not to be confused with Blue SeeD."

SD Beans-chan: [blink blink] "Um, thank you...I think."

SD Ophelia-chan: ^^ "Hey, it's what I'm here for!"

SD Beans-chan: "SeeD is an elite mercenary group that Squall is 
attempting to join. He has to pass the fire cavern test, and then the 
final field test later that day." 

SD Ophelia-chan: "Quistis has her hair up in a bun-like style, wears 
granny type glasses--"

SD Beans-chan: "Which look very sexy on her."

SD Ophelia-chan: >P "--and has a whip as her weapon of choice." 

SD Beans-chan: ^^v "I love yelling 'Instruct me!' when playing her." 

SD Ophelia-chan: "When Quistis enters a battle, she pulls out her whip 
and snaps it before pulling it back and getting into a battle stance."

SD Beans-chan: "Naturally I could hardly resist having her put in an 
appearance for the Bean Wars. And after all, Quistis very much resembles 
the woman Dominatrix Michiru would have been had she decided to be cast 
in FFVIII."

SD Havoc-chan: ^-^ "Hai! And she's got just the cutest little SD Squall-
chan patterned panties too!"

SD Hysteria-chan: "Oooh! Panty-chans! Panty-chans!"

SD Beans & Ophelia: [punting Havoc & Hysteria out of the rant] 
"SHADDUP!!"

	[End of beanie ranting segment.]

					*	*	*
	After giving everyone their assignment, Dominatrix Michiru 
approached Chaos. "We need to go through the fire cavern so you can take 
your test. It's time for some private instruction, I do believe."

	[Cue Havoc!]

Havoc: ^-^ "Hotcha! Can I have a private psycho lesson while we're at 
it? I've got a fresh batch of Jello and cream all whipped up!"

Chaos: [booting Havoc through the Garden's ceiling] "YOU'RE NOT MAKING 
THIS ANY BETTER, YOU FREAK!!!"

	So Chaos and Dominatrix Michiru journeyed to the entrance of the 
cave where the fire cavern test would be held. However two other 
instructors blocked the way.
	
To-Li: "Are you ready for the test?"
	
Cho-Li: "And who is sponsoring you, Squall?"

Chaos: --;; "Since when did the Wonderland twins get cast in this game?"

Dominatrix Michiru: [nudging her whip under Chaos' chin] "Ara, are you 
afraid of a little leather?"

Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Only when I'm on the receiving end of it."

	Dominatrix Michiru told the twins that she was sponsoring 
"Squall", and that yes, they were indeed ready. The time limit for 
completing the fire cavern test was agreed upon being 20 minutes. 
Michiru said that was all she ever needed; Chaos wisely didn't make an 
inquiry as to whether or not she meant her libido.
	Once inside the cave, the leather-clad Michiru tried to calm 
Chaos' nerves by stating for some reason most of the male students she 
took in the cave with her failed, and implied that it must be due to her 
good looks. 
	Naturally Chaos tried to act just as sexy as she looked so as to 
intimidate her. However the idea of "Squall" in a cheongsam just didn't 
seem to work. And so Dominatrix Michiru promptly pulled out her whip and 
smacked him a number of times. Of course, in the process her whippings 
also managed to strip him naked. 
	A blushing Chaos immediately sought a quiet place to change behind 
one of the stalagmites.

	[Greenbeans' Note: (lusting bean >) The real Squall is like an ice 
cube and keeps going....]

	Anyhoo, the cave itself was a path with flowing lava on either 
side. Chaos decided to pull out the Squall weapon of choice, feeling 
rather much like Carnage as he appraised the oversized sword blade 
attached to the frame of a gun.
	"Hey, will you look at that?" Chaos remarked, running ahead and 
grabbing a rounded orange sphere. He held it triumphantly over his head. 
"Ne, Michiru-sama, I found an item!" 
	He then struck a sexy pose. "Am I just so cool or what?"
	"Squall, that's a bomb!" Dominatrix Michiru called out.

Chaos: ^^;; [still posing] "Crap."

	Seconds later an explosion rocked the interior of the cavern. With 
a sigh, Dominatrix Michiru sauntered over to the smoking crater where a 
thoroughly scorched fanboy was standing there, blinking in surprise.
	"I hate to say this," she remarked, giving a tug on her whip. "But 
it looks like I'll have to give you some extra...disciplining when we 
get out of the cave."
	Chaos coughed out a kawaii li'l fireball. "Daijobu!" he said 
quickly, shrinking away from the whip. "I've learned my lesson! There's 
no need to make me call you the Queen!"
	He quickly scampered off down the pathway, Michiru keeping a brisk 
pace with him. 
	"You know, after that explosion I think you've woken up the 
neighbors," she said.
	"Hmph," Chaos said, waving her concerns aside. "I laugh in the 
face of--"

	[Cue the attacking buels!]

	"KYAAAAAA!!!" he shrieked, his terrified SD self leaping into 
Michiru's arms and clinging to her. "Tasuketeeee!!"
	Dominatrix Michiru unceremoniously dropped him onto the floor. 
"Baka. Squall, those are the things you need to fight off if you want to 
join SeeD."
	"And those things are?" he inquired, dusting his butt off.
	"We call them buels," Michiru replied. "They fly by having their 3 
wings move in a propeller motion behind them. Well, now it's time to see 
what you're made of."
	Chaos valiantly leapt out in front, and aimed his big-assed 
'gunblade' at the buels. "Ha ha!" he exclaimed. "Eat hot steel, 
you...whatever the hell you are!"
	He pulled back the trigger.
	*CLICK*
	The buels hovered in the air, sweatdrops appearing next to the 3-
winged creatures. Chaos gave a nervous laugh before trying again.
	*CLICK CLICK*
	"I'm out of ammo?!" he exclaimed, trying to find a barrel to peer 
down into.
	Now telling one's opponents that you lack ammo is certainly 
somewhere among the top 5 no-no's a hero should never do. But since this 
was Chaos, it didn't really matter. Yet it was quite the valiant 
freaking out he did as he took off down the pathway, waving his gunblade 
at the attacking buels.
	As the buels did a flyby Chaos dove in behind a bunch of 
stalagmites. "Ha!" he exclaimed. "Let's see you try and attack me now! 
I'm in a heavily fortified position."
	What Chaos failed to take into account though was that buels 
possess the magics of fire, ice and thunder. The first buel zapped him 
with a bolt of lightening. The second buel turned him into a fansicle. 
And then the third proceeded to set his Tamahome Hilfiger pants ablaze.
	Dominatrix Michiru shook her head as she watched Chaos dance 
around the cavern in a vain effort to extinguish the flames--which he 
did manage to do by grabbing the ice buel.

Chaos: [smacking the buel against his pants] "Come on, give! Give! Don't 
make me turn you into a buel snowcone!"

Dominatrix Michiru: "Maybe we should just hand him over to the other 
side. If he was in their army, we'd win without even having to lift a 
finger."

	Yet the ice buel not only managed to put out the fire, but freeze 
his pants to the point where a single gust of wind shattered Chaos' 
garments into a few dozen shards of frozen cloth.
	Chaos' eyebrow twitched as his SD Gourry-cow boxers were exposed 
for the world to see. "Okay, that's it," he growled. "Nobody destroys my 
Tamahome Hilfiger pants but the carnivorous Godzilla-thingies--and 
that's only because Anarchy would kick my ass if I tried to stop them! 
Prepare for the ultimate smiting technique of Chaos-fu!"
	Sparkling lights swarmed around Chaos as he tapped into his battle 
aura of mass destruction. Seconds later an enormous bathtub crashed 
through the cavern ceiling, pulverizing the buels upon impact.

Xu: [sitting amidst the bubblebath] "What the hell?"

Havoc-chan: [popping out from the bubbles] "Hotcha! Who cares about a 
final fantasy? Let's have a Cream Lemon fantasy!"

Xu: [stern glare] "I should kick your ass for that remark, hentai."

Havoc-chan: "Call me Hentenno Jo'o-sama!"

	Chaos groaned as he watched Xu try and fend off Havoc-chan. 
"Havoc, you just ruined my brilliantly dramatic scene! What do you have 
to say for yourself."
	Havoc-chan opened her mouth to reply.
	"Wait!" Chaos cut in. "On second thought, don't say anything. I 
know you too well."
	"Ne, Squall," Dominatrix Michiru drawled. "The objective here is 
to draw out your enemy's magic and either stockpile it, or use it 
against them."
	"They started it!" Chaos protested, his kawaii kitty ears popping 
up. "Besides, I wouldn't have had to use the bathtub smite had my sword 
for a gun not jammed."
	Dominatrix Michiru reached over and pulled back the gunblade's 
hammer. "You know, there's a little device we call the safety catch. 
Next time you might want to take if off before playing with your 
gunblade."
	Chaos facevaulted.
	Fortunately though, Michiru launched her whip and let it wrap 
around Chaos' chest. From there on in, she simply dragged him down the 
cavern passageway.
	"I don't know what I'm going to do with you when we get back from 
this," she sighed. "There are so many techniques I'll have to teach you, 
so many fighting positions--"

Chaos: --;; [darkly] "So many unwanted spankings."

Dominatrix Michiru: "What?"

Chaos: ^-^ "Nothing!"

	As it turned out, Chaos had already used up a good fifteen of the 
twenty minutes he was allowed to take for the fire cavern test. 
Fortunately he made up for lost time when a horde of rabid fire bats 
chased after him. Reverting into SD mode, he managed to clear the entire 
length of the cavern in under thirty seconds.
	"Impressive," Michiru remarked. "And you look so adorable when 
you're super-deformed, Squall."
	Chaos grinned. "Well, I don't mean to boast, but--"
	"Now all we have to do is defeat ifrit."
	That gave Chaos reason to pause. "Ano...ifrit?" he asked.
	Michiru nodded.
	"Ifrit?" the fanboy pressed. "As in: big-assed fire elemental with 
a really bad temper and lots of evil power ifrit?" Chaos laughed, his 
voice tapering off into a groan. "Just my luck. Mayhem should be here, 
not me; Dark Schnieder took care of one of those things. Why me?"
	"Are you having second thoughts?" Dominatrix Michiru inquired. 
"Remember: if you don't defeat the ifrit, then you cannot join SeeD. And 
as your sponsor, I would not be too impressed with that."
	She gave a sturdy yank on her whip to emphasize the point.	
	"But I'm too cute to be flammable," Chaos sniffled.
	Abruptly the cavern rumbled. The lava around them erupted with 
numerous fireballs, flames and smoke being belched to the ceiling. Stone 
and rock crashed down from above, some being dashed to pieces on the 
pathway, others being incinerated in the lava.
	"I don't think you have a choice now, Squall," Dominatrix Michiru 
said, trying to keep a steady stance as the entire cavern shook.
	Suddenly out from the lava pit before them exploded their enemy. 
Patches of lava splattered across the ground, eating though the earth 
within seconds. A shadow fell upon Chaos and Michiru, both of them 
looking up to behold the oversized fire...gargoyle?

Chaos: [blink blink!] "Christabel?!"

Christabel: [munching on pocky] "What took you?"

Chaos: --;; "How anti-climactic can you get?"

	"What are you doing here?" Chaos asked. "You're not a fire 
elemental!"
	"And you're certainly no Squall," Christabel retorted. "Look, I'm 
not exactly thrilled about fighting someone as low on the intellectual 
foodchain as you, so how about you just bring me an offering of 
chocolate pocky and we'll call it even."
	Chaos scowled, fishing in his pockets. "I think most of the 
chocolate melted off back in the cave. Ano...here it is!"
	And with a grand display, he pulled out--

Catastrophe: ^-^ [BUUUUUURRRRRPPPP!] "chu chu!"

Chaos: o.O "Na ni?! You ate all my pocky?!"
	
	Chaos held Catastrophe-chan upside-down, trying to shake out the 
devoured pocky. "Come on, cough it up! Cough it up!"
	Watching with mild amusement, Christabel shrugged her shoulders. 
"Oh well, looks like I get to hurt you after all. Nothing personal."

Chaos: ;_; "Hai...."

	"It looks like I have no choice," Dominatrix Michiru said, 
watching the battle. "I'll have to cast Shiva."
	And so with a poof! of snow appeared Shiva-chan. "Ohayo!" she 
exclaimed, happily waving to Chaos.
	Chaos on the other hand gawked at the Gainax bouncy, scantily-clad 
ice elemental. "How does she get those strategically-placed ice patches 
to stay put?" he muttered.
	Havoc-chan suddenly popped up again, armed with a hairdryer. "I 
don't know, but I feel it's my mission in this scene to find out!"
	"What the hell are you doing back here?!" Chaos snapped, fiddling 
with his gunblade. "I just knew I should have paid attention to 
Carnage's rant on how to reload these things."
	"I can't believe you're drooling over my Shiva instead of fighting 
ifrit. This is not putting you in my good graces," Dominatrix Michiru 
stated. She spotted Havoc-chan bounding across the cavern. "Ohayo, 
Havoc."
	Havoc-chan paused in mid-bound. "Yo!"
	Chaos facevaulted at that.
	"Instruct me!" Michiru exclaimed, pulling back her whip and 
cracking it before assuming a battle stance.
	Chaos' eyes bugged out. "Um, shouldn't you be aiming that thing at 
the ifrit and not me?"
	Dominatrix Michiru chuckled, letting her tongue dart along part of 
the whip. "Nah. This is a lot more fun." She leaped into the air, 
brandishing her whip at the now terrified fanboy. "It's time for you to 
be educated, Squall!" she crooned.

Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAA!!! SENSAI SENSAI SENSAI SENSAI SENSAI!!!"

Dominatrix Michiru: "Don't call me teacher. Call me the Queen!"

Chaos: o.O "JO'O-SAMAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

					*	*	*
	"This isn't going as well as we had hoped," Beans reported meekly 
to the one who had hired her and Ophelia to eliminate Chaos. "I mean, 
certainly Chaos is getting smited...but he keeps coming back! He's worse 
than Miaka at an all-you-can-eat buffet!"
	"I would have thought the last one would have done him in," 
Ophelia chimed in. "At least we found him when he escaped to the weird 
Totoro/Lion King crossover. Our plans would have been totally derailed 
if he'd died out in the middle of...why are you looking at me like 
that?"
	"He was supposed to die!" their mysterious benefactor stated. "I'd 
sent him there to be lost forever, and you *saved* him!"
	"Oh," Ophelia said in a very small voice.
	"No matter," Beans remarked as she stretched her arms out. "I have 
one more idea to try. Ready, Ophelia?" She turned to her companion.
	"Am I ever ready?" Ophelia checked her pocky supply quickly, then 
nodded.
	"Here we go!"

	[CLICK!]

					*	*	*
	Chaos groaned in pain as he picked himself up off yet another 
shiny floor. "Shimatta; I'm starting to feel like Desolation," he 
muttered. "Where the hell am I now?"
	The answer came by way of Wakaba leaping in from above and happily 
glomping onto his back. "UTENA!" she exclaimed, clinging to him like a 
catgirl on a hot tin roof. "Where have you been? I've been waiting for 
you on the front lawn to eat lunch for a half hour now."
	The fanboy's eyes bugged out as he looked down at the strange 
black uniform and skirt he was wearing. The little black dots of his 
eyes then slowly rolled to his left, where he stared in horror at 
Wakaba.
	"U-Utena?" he whimpered. Chaos slid down to his knees, streams of 
tears pouring out from his Bambi eyes. "J-Jo'o-samaaaaa...."


	[Cue the eyecatch!]


	^-^ Tee hee!
	Another fic, another smitefest for the hapless overlord of Mass 
Destruction. But the best of the Bean Wars is yet to come.
	The Bean goddess would like to cordially thank Ophelia for helping 
her write some of the Bean Wars (namely the Greenwood part), and helping 
to inflict some more senseless if not ridiculous violence upon Chaos.
	And His lordship Chaos naturally thanks the rest of the fanboys 
for helping throw in their own little bits of deranged and mindless 
things to add to the Bean Wars. So until the Bean Wars conclusion hits 
and leaves a pretty li'l crater in your room, this is His lordship Chaos 
saying--

Havoc: ^-^ "You can feel the magic between us, Quistis...no, lower."

Quistis: [giggles] "Ara, but I'm the one who educates you tonight, 
Hentenno."

Greenbeans: --;; [slowly turning to His lordship Chaos] "......"

His lordship Chaos: [shrug!] "What?"

Greenbeans: "She's tying him to the bedposts with her whip!"

His lordship Chaos: "Better him than me; my skin chaffs rather easily."



	[End!]






				   OMAKE THEATRE!!!


	[Cue SD versions of the two Bean Wars authors walking onto the 
screen, His lordship Chaos dressed up like Trigun's Vash the Stampede, 
and Greenbeans being dressed up like Haunted Junction's Toilet Hanako.]

Greenbeans: --;; "This is so humiliating."

His lordship Chaos: "What? I thought you'd be flattered."

Greenbeans: [oversized demonic head mode!] "DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO 
APPEAR THIS SCANTILY-CLAD IN PUBLIC?!"

His lordship Chaos: "You know, your cuteness factor really plummets when 
you do that."

Greenbeans: [twitch twitch!] "I don't see why I have to dress up in such 
a loose and fanservicy high school fuku, while you get to dress up like 
one of Anime's coolest characters."

His lordship Chaos: "Aw, stop making such a fuss. I'm sure your fans out 
there will appreciate what we're doing. After all, writing fanfics 
consist of two things."

Greenbeans: [skeptical] "And those are?"

His lordship Chaos: [posing] "Love and peace!"

Greenbeans: "You're overheating beneath that red tenchcoat, aren't you?"

His lordship Chaos: "Well, if it'll make you feel better, I'll dress up 
in a girl's fuku too."

Greenbeans: o.O "NO! No need to do that!"

His lordship Chaos: ^^ "Gotcha."

	[Greenbeans facevaults!]

His lordship Chaos: "You're almost as fun to tease as Chaos."

Greenbeans: [beleaguered sigh] "So what are we going to talk about in 
this Omake Theatre?"

His lordship Chaos: "Ano...I haven't the slightest idea."

Greenbeans: "Then you did you put an Omake Theatre here in the first 
place?!"

His lordship Chaos: ^^ "Because I thought you'd look cute as Toilet 
Hanako."

Greenbeans: [pulling His lordship Chaos' gun on him] "Laugh it up, 
fanboy."

His lordship Chaos: "Now now, there's no need to get violent. 
Besides...*heh heh* I know you won't shoot me."

Greenbeans: "Wild guess: the chamber's empty."

	[His lordship Chaos facevaults!]

His lordship Chaos: ;_; "What'd you do that for?! You just killed all 
the dramatic tension!"

Greenbeans: "I swear you people of the Y chromosome persuasion do 
nothing to compliment the otaku race."

His lordship Chaos: [adjusting his coat] "No matter. Today we get to 
look at some of the strange Anime scenes that Chaos and Beans wound up 
jumping through."

Greenbeans: "I just can't believe that Ophelia, you and me managed to 
all co-write the Greenwood part and pull it off flawlessly."

His lordship Chaos: "I still can't believe you wrote that Totoro bit. 
What were you on?"

Greenbeans: "I told you last Omake Theater: it was late, and I was very 
tired."

His lordship Chaos: [smug grin] "And what's with this Quistis thing? 
Methinks you seem to enjoy that whip-toting instructor just a little too 
much."

Greenbeans: --;; "This coming from the guy who enjoys having his own 
avatar incarnation dress up like a girl for 85% of every fanfic."

His lordship Chaos: "Well at least I gave Chaos good fashion sense. He's 
not just a crossdresser, but an artist!"

Greenbeans: "I don't know. After that whole 'Tokyo Girl' Riverdance 
thing...."

	[Cue Chaos stomping onto the Omake Theatre!]

Chaos: "Okay, that's it! I refuse to be blamed for that! He's the one 
who choreographed that number!"

His lordship Chaos: "Well, I admit the SD Utena cast was a little over 
the top, but I couldn't get a chorusline of SD Gundam-chans signed up in 
time."

	[Both Greenbeans and Chaos facevault!]

His lordship Chaos: [sigh!] "These people have no sense of humor. Ne, 
can I have my kawaii all-female writing assistants appear?"

Kawaii writing assistants: ^-^ "Hai!"

Greenbeans: [eyebrow twitch!] "Where'd you get them from anyways?"

His lordship Chaos: ^^ [getting a backrub] "I borrowed them from the 
computer programming firm in Golden Boy 1."

Greenbeans: [snapping her fingers] "Oh yeah? Well, I can rival that."

	[Beans is abruptly accompanied by Quistis and Xu.]

Greenbeans: [being pampered] "How's this?"

His lordship Chaos: "Impressive. But tell me, should Xu's hands be 
underneath your Toilet Hanako costume like that?"

Xu: ^^ [grope grope!] 

Greenbeans: o.O

Chaos: [argh!] "And my fics are in these peoples' hands?!"

His lordship Chaos: "Aw, you not enjoying yourself?"

Chaos: [with kawaii kitty ears] "No."

His lordship Chaos: "How about we let a cute and nubile Anime babe 
attend to you for the remainder of this Omake?"

Chaos: ^-^ "Hotcha!"

His lordship Chaos: "Quistis, want the job?"

Chaos: o.O

Quistis: [cracking her whip] "Sure. INSTRUCT ME!!!"

Chaos: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

	[A terrified SD Chaos dashes off as Quistis chases after him.]

His lordship Chaos: [reclining in his chair] "Yep, it's good to be the 
Otaking."


	[End!]